


I 







SAM WEIiliTER, 

OR, THE / 

P X C AC W II © K J A IIS. 
A DRAMA, 

/AT THREE ACTS. 

' AS PERFORMED ; 

AT THE NEW STRAND THEATRE, 

WITH UNEXAMPLED SUCCESS. 

By W. T, MONCRIEFF, Esq. 

MEMBER OF THE DRAMATIC AUTHORS SOCIETY, 

AND AUTHOR OF "THE ARMOURER OF PARIS!" " THE JEWESS!" 

" THE WINTERBOTTOMS !" &C. &C. &€» 



■•• Asi e$ verdad, replico Don Quixote, porque no fuera acertado que 
los atavios de la Comedia fueran finos, sino fingidos y aparentes, como 
_lo.es la mesma Comedia, con la qual quiero, Sancho, que estesbien, teni£n- 
dola en tu gracia, y por el mismo consiguiente a los que Ids representan 
y a los que las componen, porque todosson instrumentos de hacer un gran 
bien a la Republica, poniendonos, un espejo a Cada, paso delante, donde 
se ven al vivo las acciones de la vida humana, y ninguna comparacion 
hay que mas al vivo nos represente loque somos y lo que habemos de ser, 
como la Comedia y los Comediantes." — Don Quix. parte 2, cap. xii. 



Eonfrott : 

PUBLISHED FOR THE AUTHOR, 

AND SOLD BY ALL RESPECTABLE BOOKSELLERS. 

1837. 
(PRICE ONE SHILLING ONLY.) 






ft7 w_i 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



MEN. 
Mr. Pickwick, (Founder of tie Pickwick Club,) Mr. A. Younge, 

Mr. Melville, 
Mr. E. Burton, 
Mr. Roberts, 
Mr. G. Cooke, 
Mr. Chicheley, 
Mr. Nicholson, 
Mr. J. Lee, 



Augustus Snodgrass, Esq. M. P. C. 
Tracy Tupman, Esq. (ditto) - 
Nathaniel Winkle, Esq. (ditto) - 
Mr. Wardle, (A fine old English Gentleman,) 
GL Nupkins, Esq. (Mayor ofi Ipswhich,) 
Mr. Leo Hunter, - - - - 

Alfred Jingle, Esq. ( A walking gentleman,) 
Mr. Samuel Weller, (Faithful attendant of Mr. 

Pickwick,) - - Mr. W. J. Hammond, 
Mr. Weller, sen. (A long Stage Coachman,) Mr. H. Hall, 
Job Trotter, (A dubious character,) Mr. Attwood, 

Master Joseph Dumpling, ( The Fat Boy,) Mr. A. Richardson, 

Honorable Simon Slumkey ; JHoratio Fizkin, Esq. ; Rackstraw ; 
Dogsflesh ; Capteen ; Alleycampain ; Drunken Liberal ; Ballad 
Singer ; Match Seller ; Turnkey ; Grummer ; and nnmerous other 
characters, by Messrs. Dearlove, Burton, Searle, Chapman, 
&c. &c. 



Miss~Rachel Wardle, 
Miss Isabella Wardle, 
Miss Emily Wardle, 
Mrs. Bar dell, 
Mrs. Leo Hunter, 
Miss Tabby, 
Marv Summers, 



WOMEN. 

(Sister of Mr* Wardle,) Mrs. Johnson, 
(Daughter of War die,) Mrs. Hammond, 

Miss Daly, 
Mrs. Melville 
Miss E. Hamilton 
- Mrs. H. Hall, 
Miss Petifer, 



(ditto,) 
(A Widow,) 



Miss Lucretia Kitchener, 



Miss Brookes, 



Mrs. Barclay, Boarders, Visitors, Servants, &c> &c. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 



If is almost needless to observe, that this Drama is 
founded on the very original, graphic, and clever " Pos- 
thumous Papers of the Pickwick Club," written by Mr. 
Dickens, better known through his familiar cognomen 
*« Boz." It will be quite supererogatory to point out the 
numerous instances in which I have been obliged, for the 
purposes of the Stage, to depart from my original, as 
the Papers are in every body's hands, and the deviations 
speak for themselves ; it may be sufficient to say, that I 
have, in no instance, I trust, departed from the spirit of 
my prototype, how ever greatly I may have been compelled 
to vary from their form and bearing; and that I have en- 
deavoured to make the quantity of original matter, I was 
necessitated to write* amalgamate, not unworthily, I trust, 
With the materials borrowed from Mr. Dickens. It 
would have been a much more easy and genial task for 
me, to have written an entirely original work ; especially, 
labouring as I have been, for some time past, under the 
calamity of, I hope only temporary, blindness ; but I was 
rather piqued than otherwise to the work. The Papers 
had been pronounced to be wholly undramatic ; — two very 
talented gentlemen, to use a newspaper term, had both 
attempted the task, and failed — the one, from sticking too 
closely to bis original — the other, through departing too 
widely from it. It struck me, they were to be made dra- 
matic. I knew well their author had never contemplated 



I V A D VE R TI'SEME'NT. 

the production of them in a dramatic shape, of he \voutrJ 
have formed a regular plot, and given a continuity to his 
work* which alone is wanting*, to rank it with the finest 
comic fictions of any age or country. T^he success of my 
undertaking has justified my judgment. Some apology is 
due to Mr. Dickens, for the liberty taken with him, in 
finishing his work before its time ; but the great increase 
of popularity, which it must have received, from my putting 
it on the stage, will, I think, more than excuse a step, to 
which I was urged, rather by circumstances than desire* 
Some injudicious friends of Mr. Dickens, among his 
Brethren of the Press, (preserve me from such friends, 
say I, — of course, I do not allude to the manly, fair-deal- 
ing, daily Press, to which I am under the greatest obliga- 
tions), — have chosen to display much soreness at the com- 
plete manner in which I have triumphed over all the diffi- 
culties I had to encounter in my undertaking. Every 
wretched mongrel, can, I am aware, dramatise the Pick- 
wick Papers, now that I have shown them how, by closely 
copying all I have done ; as is the case with a low minor 
Theatre, in the purlieus of London— once respectable ; but 
even the original author will admit, that he had never con- 
templated his matter could have been so conlpressed, and 
his incidents put in so connected a form, as they assume 
in ^SamWeller!" — a character, by the bye, which 
I should think was only an after-conception of its creator, 
and formed no part of his original projection. Mr. Dickens 
lias, by far, too much genius, to nourish any of the petty 
feelings evinced by his Fostering friends ! whose articles, 
being those of the " High intellectual" Suuday-school of 
criticism, are greatly too genteel and abstruse, for every 



ADVERTISEMENT. V 

day reading*, but must be kept for Lord's day exa- 
mination only ! Why these gentry should object to my 
having- dramatised Mr. Dickens, I cannot conceive. Sir 
Walter Scott — a name, I numbly submit, of sufficient 
merit, to be mentioned in the same page with the writer of the 
" Pickwick Club/' always looked upon Mr. PoeocK'&and 
Mr. Terry's stage versions of those iminortalfictions, "Rob 
Roy ,f anil " Ivanhoe," rather as a compliment than other- 
wise ; and I had undoubted precedent, for what I did, in 
the instance of the first dramatic writer of all time — 
Shakspearei who has scarcely a play , that is not founded 
on some previous drama, history, chronicle, popular tale, 
or story. What then means the twaddle of these '« high 
intellectuals/' in so pathetically condoling* with Mr. 
Dickens, on the penalties he pays for his popularity, in 
beingputonthe stag-e? Let these ''high intellectuals'' speak 
to Mr. Dickens's publishers, and they will learn, it has 
rendered them, by increasing* their sale, the most fortunate 
of Chapmen and dealers ! It is wasting time, to show the 
absurdity of these addled-pated persons, for their, \ blow hot 
and blow cold,' articles, aie as incomprehensible to them- 
selves, as they are to everybody else. In one of them, I 
am, first of all, abused for having sacrilegiously meddled 
with any of Mr. Dickens's matter; and then abused for 
not having meddled with it enough. The reader is 
told that everybody is pleased with my piece ; and is 
then informed, that nobody should be pleased with it. Two 
or three low scenes between Sam and his father, taken 
from the original work, are lauded as " written in a fine 
spirit of humanity ;'' while some rather polite dialogues, 
that I have introduced, between the ladies, are bkck- 



VI A DVERTISEM ENT, 

guarded, by this " high intellectual" as vulgar trash. — 
Mr. Pickwick is described as i( a rare creature of the ele- 
ments," far above my comprehension or that of any one else, 
and I am reproached for not having delineated some delicate 
touches, which, in the same sentence, are asserted to be 
far too ethereal and deeply hidden for general perception ; 
and the " high intellectual" winds up, by asserting, that 
the drama would be a very good drama, if I had not hap- 
pened to have wrought it. That Mr. Dickens is one of the 
" great master spirits of the age," there * needed no Ghost to 
come from the grave t to tell us this,' and that for rendering 
him successful on the boards, — I am a very sad fellow ! — in 
short, that Mr. Dickens should have done it all, — and not I. 
Now, this is all very well, and I would readily have spared 
ray matter, and served Mr. Dickens up without any 
of my own sauce ; but that, bad I done so, Mr. Ham- 
mond, as had been proved before, would never have been 
called on, a second time, to repeat the Entertainment ! — 
These Longinuses, call their metaphysical mudinesses, 
the 'criticism of Kant ;' — Sterne wou'd have called them 
as he did Garrick's detractors — the CJ cant of criti- 
cism.' 1 With a few directions, and thirty shillings per 
week, I would undertake to furnish the Sabbath Journals, 
with critics of the <' high intellectual'' Sunday-school of 
criticism, fifty at a time, as often as required. Any, 
man who can write two consecutive sentences, has but to 
follow these directions, and he is one of the C( high intellec- 
tual" at once, — viz : all writers of his own clique, he must 
invariably style, on the 'claw me, claw you principle,' * mas- 
ter spirits of the age' * scions of departed glory,' &c. &c # 
Everything that is commonplace and absurd, must, in 



ADVERTISEMENT. Yll 

them, be pronounced to be written in "a fine sense of spiritual 
individuality," and with u a keen relish of all the nicer im- 
pulses of our nature," while all writers that are not of their 
own lick-spittle coterie, must be, as Sam Weller would 
say, — wice-worser! — all must be done by broad assertion. 
Proof must be studiously avoided, as it is much easier and 
safer, to say a thing* is either good or bad, than to attempt to 
shew it : — but enough of such absurdities ! the public will 
soon beg-in to feel with me their gorge rise, at any article in 
which such phrases, as "finespint of individuality," "keen 
relish of all the more refined impulses of our nature" — *' ex- 
quisite sense of humanity," &c. &c. appear ; — they will 
exclaim, — oh ! this is one of the f 4 high intellectual" Sun- 
day-school of criticism articles, and reserve it till they wish 
to be read off to sleep. 

Let me come to a more grateful task, and return my most 
sincere acknowledgements, to those to whose exertions 
and abilities, I am so mainly indebted for my success:— 
By his impersonation of Sam Weller, Mr. Hammond 
has placed himself at the very head of his profession, — it 
is one of the most perfect performances the British Stage 
can now boast of — it is nature presented to us, through the 
most refined art — the gross caricature and loose liberties^ 
now indulged in by most of our first comic actors, are no 
where visible in him — he gives his author, or, as the u high 
intellectual" would have it — his authors — with the utmost 
chasteness and truth; and in getting-np the drama, proved 
himself, and I think I am some sort of authority on this 
subject, as excellent a stage-manager as he is a good 
actor: — in both departments, he may have his equal, but 
certainly, not his superior. Mr, Hall> Mr. ATTWOap, 



VIII ADVERTISEMENT. 

Mr. Lee, Mr. A, Young, Mr. Richardson, Mrs. Ham- 
mond, and Miss Daly, — but why be invidious? in short, 
every one who have any thing to do, in which the least talent 
can be displayed, acquit themselves with a zeal and 
success, that are perfectly beyond all praise, and which 
demand and receive my very best thanks. I will defy the 
^whole histrionic talent of England,to personate the principal 
portion of the Dramatis Personse of Sam Weller, with 
gTeater ability than is displayed by them at the Strand 
Theatre ; and earnestly hope it will lead Mr. Dickens 
speedily to concoct another delightful < ; Pickwick Club/' 
--and that he will dramatise it himself, that the " high 
intellectual's" satisfaction may have no possible alloy. 

England, now that she has such writers as Mr.Dicken, 
William Clarke, (the author of «' The Cigar and Three 
Courses, ")# Theodore Hook, Thomas Hood, Samuel 
Lover, &c. &c. &c. — kindred spirits ! all — may truly be 
called '< Merry England'' as of Old Time; and long! 
long ! maj r she continue so. 

[Some of the Parodies in this Drama are omitted on the 
Stage, on account of the length of the representation.] 

93, Waterloo Road, Aug, 21, 1837. 



* Why does not this cjentleman, instead of wasting his time in compilations, 
employ himself on a " Pickwick ?" — He has every requisite! Who can for- 
get his exquisite Irish and North Country Stories, — his Gusto for " Auld 
Lang Syne," — his Reminiscenses of Old Italian and Spanish Lore, — and 
keen perception of the " Many Coloured Life" of the day \ 



SAM WELLER! 



ACT I. 

SCENE I. 



Entrance to Coach Yard of the White Hart 
Inn- — Bar and Coffee Room, on one side — 
Staircase, leading to range of Bed Rooms, on 
the other. Sam Weller, m an old white hat, 
red striped icaistcoat, with sleeves, yellow 
velveteen smalls, coloured stockings, and 
highlowsj discovered cleaning boots. 

Sam, (singing.) 

Vith von boot here,, and t'other boot there, 
Every kipple vill make a pair ! 

Enter Sally Chambermaid. 

Cham. Why, Sam— Sam, I say ; No. 22 
wants his boots. 

Sam. Ax No. 22 vether he'll have 'em now, 
or vait till he gets 'em % 

Cham. Come — come — don't be a fool, Sam — 
the gentleman wants 'em directly. 

Sam. Veil — you are a nice young ooman, for 
a musical party, you are. Look at these here 
boots — eleven pair of boots and von shoe, as 
b'longs to No. 6, vith the vooden leg — the 11 
boots to be call'd at half-past eight, and the 

B 



2 SAM WELLER. 

shoe at nine. Who's No. 22, that he's to put all 
the others out? No— no, reg'lar rotation — as 
Jack Ketch said, vhen he tied up the male- 
factors, 

Cham. Ah ! I shall never make my money of 
you — you are the most lazy, idle, imperent thing 
as never was — but never mind — I've told you 
the gentleman wants his boots, and you'd better 
do 'em — and that's all about it. 

[Exit Chambermaid. 

Sam. Veil, ve sha'n't be bankrupts this here 
term, at all ewents ; though ve mayn't quite 
make our fortius. — No matter for that — ve can 
manage to eat our biled mutton vithout capers, 
and sha'n't care much for horse-radish vhile ve 
can get roast beef. Ve've got a reg'lar inn full. 
Let me see vhat customers ve have — there is a 
pair of Bluchers in 13, — two pair of halves in the 
commercial — there is these here painted tops in 
the snuggery, inside the bar — five more tops 
and a pair of Vellington's, wery much vorn, 
that looks as if they belongs to King Dick, in 
the coffee-room — von vooden leg, as I said 
afore, in No. 6 — and a pair of hessians — ditto 
lady's shoes, in private sitting room, No. 5 — I 
think there's a love affair between these here 
hessians and the female kids — if so, and the 
hessians is any thing of a gen'lman, he is vorth 
a shilling a day, let alone the errands — I must 
go and see arter 'em. [Exit Sam. 

Enter Pickwick, with Jack Rackstraw, a 

Cabman. 

Rack. Now r , sir ! here you are — all the vay 
from Gosvell-street. 



S A M W ELLE R . 6 

Pick. You've come very quick, cabman ! 

Rack. Yes, sir ! wery quick — alvays does ! 

Pick How old is that horse of yours ! \ 

Rack. Forty-two, sir ! come next Boncaster! 

Pick. Bless me ! forty-two !— I must note 
that down — and how long do you keep him out 
at a time ? 

Rack. Vot's he taking down my number for? 
is he von of the Cruelty to Animals' chaps I 
vonder? (aside) Vy ve keeps him out two or 
three veeks at a time, tie lives at Penton- 
wille, vhen he's at home — but ve seldom takes 
him home, on account of his veakness. 

Pick. Astonishing ! — 

Rack. He alvays falls down vhen he's took 
out of the cab — but vhen he's ia it, ve bears 
him up wery tight, and takes him in wery short, 
so as he can't wery veil fall down — and then 
ve've got a pair of precious large vheels on, so 
vhen he does move, they run arter him, and he 
must go on, he can't help it. 

Pick. Wonderful ! the tenacity of life in ani- 
mals. Here'Il be information for the club ! — 
Here's your money, friend ! — {offering money 
to Rackstraw.) 

Rack. Vont's me to take more than my fare. 
I know'd he vas a hinformer. There's Tommy 
Dogsflesh, the hackney, on the stand — and Bill 
Mudlark, the vaterman on the crossing — so I'm 
blow'd if I don't have a touch at him, if I get 
six months for it. (aside.) 

Pick. Here's your money, my good man ! 

Rack. You be damned, and your money too ! 
—I'll have a turn-up vith you, for it— and give 



4 SAM WELLE R. 

give you a pint to boot — old ogles. — (squares 
up to him.} 

Enter Winkle, Tupman, and Snodgrass, 

Snod. Eh! what alarm ?— what dire con fu^ 
sion ? — 

Rack. Ulloa, who are you? — palls! Here 
Tommy Dogsflesh— Bill Mudlark! (calling off.) 
Now, then, for all four of you — von down and 
t'other come on— or all at vonce if you likes it 
better.— 
Enter Tommy Dogsflesh and Bill Mudlark. 

Dog. Here's a lark— vot's the row — go to 
.v-erk, Jack — tip it him 942— give him von in his 
bread-basket.— 

Snod. Are you mad, man f*-l 

Win. Or drunk ? — 

Tup. Or both?— 

Rack. Neither, my coveys. — (sparring) — 
Vot did you take my number for, and put down 
all as I said, on purpose to aggrawate me to 
commit an assault— but I'll take the shine out 
of you. There's von for your nob. — (sparring 
at Pickwick, fyc.) 

Snod. Police ! — Police ! — (calling off.) 

Dog. (knocking his hat over his eyes.) I 
think you said Pelisse — does your mother know 
you're out? 

Mud. Go it, Tommy — never say die — sarve 
'em out — put 'em under the pump — I hates all 
hinformers — hurrah ! (a general scuffle i) 

Enter Jingle, from Coffee Room, and Sam 
from opposite side. 

Jin. Ulloa, ulloa !— what's the fun here"? 



SAM WELLER, 5 

Rack. Only giving a hinfoiHner Ins gruel — 
that's all.— 

Pick, I am no informer! — I deny the impu- 
tation ! — 

Jin. Ant ye — ant ye — I may profit by this — 
(aside.) I see it all — take yourself off, patent 
safety — it is entirely a mistake — very respecta- 
ble gentleman — so none of your nonsense. — 
Don't be down, sir — these little accidents will 
happen in the best reg'lated families — pull him 
up for it — five pounds and costs — or three 
months tread-mill — put that in your pipe and 
smoke it — like the flavour, eh ! — damned rascals ! 

Sam. Aye, aye! — cut your lucky — be off, 
young eightpenny. — 

Rack. Veil, I've knocked a double rat-tat on 
their mugs, to let 'em know who vas coming — 
that's von satisfaction— so now 111 be going, this 
vay, Tommy — ve'll take a drain at the Blue 
Posts. [Exit Rackstraw, followed by 

Dogsflesh and Mudlark. 

Jin. Eccentric rogues — but we've got rid of 
them — run Boots, tell the waiter to get glasses 
round — brandy and water-— hot and strong,-— 
sweet and plenty— raw beef steak for the gen- 
tleman's damaged eye — nothing like raw beef 
steak, sir — cold pump handle, very good — not 
always convenient — damn'd awkward— stand- 
ing two hours in the street, with eye against 
pump handle — very— eh ! 

Sam: I'll order 'em directly, sir! — glasses 
round — then in course they'll order von for me 
— queer chap, that — like nothing on earth but a 
suspicious character— as the papers say ! [Exit 
Sam, 



6 SAM W E L L E R. 

Pick. You've rendered us a great service, sir 
— we must know each other better — my name 
is Pickwick, these are Messrs. Snodgrass, Tup- 
man, and Winkle, my friends, members of the 
Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club, of 
which I have the honour to be founder and presi- 
dent. — We have just formed ourselves into an 
association in pursuit of knowledge — with liberty 
to pay our own expenses — and having a friend 
living in the neighbourhood of Rochester— our 
first excursion will be directed in that quarter. 

Jin. Something may come of this, (aside.) 
Rochester — how odd — going there myself — 
accompany you — lots of information! 

Pick. Most happy, sir — this will, indeed, be a 
most valuable acquisition! 

Jin. Say no more — settled tiling — all set ofF 
together— smart fellow 9 that cabman — handled 
his fives cleverly — but if Pd been your friend, 
in the green jemmy , here- — I'd have punch 'd 
his head in a pig's whisper — hackney too — 'gad 
would— no gammon — damn me. 

Enter Sam. 

Sam. Now, sir, brandy and vater's all ready, 
I've had my glass ; and I can assure you it's 
wery good — I speaks from experience. 

Jin. This way then— now for it — all right in 
no time. Exit Jingle folloived by 

Pickwick, Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle, 
into coffee-room. 

Sam. Rum blades, them ere— but ve sees all 
sorts here— vorst of being a boots is, it puts a 
stop to Iiaiiibitioii— you can't rise no higher, and 
the human mind naturally aspires: as the pick- 



S A M W E L L E R. 7 

pocket said to the gallows : — I'm summat like 
a fly in a treacle-can — I should uncommonly 
like to change my sitivation, although the folks 
does call me a shining character — I emulates 
the great Wauxhall balloon — I'm for rising in 
the vorld — a boot is sich a sort of amphibbious 
profession, it hasn't any reg'lar standing in the 
list of trades. Veil, I must look for'anls, as 
the telescopes do — that ere chap in the shabby 
Vellingtons, is got into a good thing vith these 
here new comers — he look'd like vanting to 
join a company, and so he's joined them — ah, 
he's up to snuff, and a pinch or two over, he is ! 
— Oh ! here comes the gem man as had the 
turn up vith that illegitimate jarvey — he's vhat 
I should call, statistically speaking, comfortable. 

Enter Pickwick from coffee-room. 

Pick. A very comprehensive character, our 
new friend — he must be an honorary associate 
in our peregrinations — but there's one thing 
we've totally forgotten, that is, an assistant 
companion — in my knowledge of human nature, 
it struck me, that the boots, here, is a very in- 
telligent fellow ; besides which, these boots are 
very eligible for travelling, so with the sanction 
of my three companions — Oh ! here he is — a 
word with you my good fellow. 

Sam. Sir, to you — I'll just take off my lilly 
shallow, ant a wery good 'un to look at, but it's 
an astonishing 'un to vear — and afore the brim 
vent, it vas a wery handsome tile — however, it's 
lighter vithout it, that's von thing — and every 
hole lets in some air, that's another— Wentilla- 
tion gossamer. I calls it ! — 



8 SAM WKLLER. 

Pick. It does indeed look light — but now to 
my business with you ! — 

Sam. Eh! that's the pint, sir! — out vith it — 
as the father said to the child, vhen it swallowed 
the fardcn ! — 

Pick. I want to know, in the first place, 
whether you've any reason to be discontented 
with your present situation ? — 

Sam. Afore I answer that ere question, sir, I 
should like to know vhether you're a-going to 
perwideme vith a better? — 

Pick. I've half made up my mind to engage 
you myself J — 

Sam. Have you, though ? — 
Pick. I have ! — 
Sam. Vages ? — 
Pick. Twelve pounds a year ! — 
Sam. Clothes'? 
Pick. Two suits — 
Sam. Vork % 

Pick. To attend upon me, and my three 
companions, in the coffee-room, there. — 

Sam. Take the bill down ! I'm let to a single 
gentleman — and the terms is agreed upon. 
Pick. You accept the situation 1 
Sam. Certainly, if the clothes fit me half as 
veil, they'll do. 

Pick. You can get a character, of course, 
Sam. Ax the landlady about that. 
Pick. Can you engage at once ? 
Sam. I'll get into the clothes immediately, if 
they're here. 

Pick. You shall call at my tailor's in Picca- 
dilly, who will fit you directly — I am inclined 
to be satisfied with the inquiries I haye 



SAM WELLE R. 9 

already made about you — Oh ! here come our 
friends. — 

Enter Snodgrass, Tupmhn, Winkle, and Jin- 
gle, from Coffee-room. 

Pick. Brother Pickwickians, I have the plea- 
sure to inform you that I've engaged — 

Sam. Samuel Veller, at your sarvice— 

Pick. To accompany us in our peregrinations 
— so now then, Mr.— 

Jin. Jingle, Alfred Jingle Esq , a gentleman 
of small property — very— (aside) and good 
character — I may say character, for I sustained 
the first line of business in the 'Kent Circuit; 
{aside) therefore we can start at once — mail 
coach — eh ! ya, hip, that's the way, {sings.) 

" Now then, Mr. Samuel Weller, 
Let's haste to the White Horse Cellar — 
Get a snack before we go." 

Sam. Vith all my heart, sir — I've only jist 
to take leave of the maids — mustn't go vithout 
leave, you know, sir — any luggage? (to Jingle.) 

Jin. Who, I? — only brown paper parcel, here, 
that's all — other luggage gone by water — large 
trunks — packing cases,, nail'd up, big as houses 
— 4ieavy — heavy — -damned heavy — very ! 

Sam. Hadn't I better call a truck to take this 
for you, mister ? 

Jin. Funny-— very funny ! — low comedy— 
never mind, will joke — come, genls, we must go. 
— You'll pay for the brandy and water. — You 
must mind when you pass through the gateway 
at Charing Cross*— take care of your heads — 
terrible place — dangerous work — very ! — t'other 
day — five children — mother — tali lady eating 

c 



10 SAM WELLE R. 

sandwiches — forgot the arch — crash— -knock — 
children look'd round — mother's head gone — 
sandwich in her hand— no mouth to put it in — 
head of a family off — shocking — shocking! — very ! 
Pick. We'll take care — now then, brother 
Pickwickians — now then to commence our memo- 
rable peregrinations. 

Chorus, Qmnes. 

Am—"ViveleRoi:> 

Pickwicks on, o'er hill and dale; 

We'll from all, knowledge draw ! 
Far and near,, spread the tale — 

Boys hurrah ! boys hurrah ! 

Hearts thai fame, like ours, inspires, 

Critic frowns ne'er shall awe, 
Till our Club's last name expires — 

Boys hurrah ! boys hurrah ! 

\Eoceunt Omnes* 



SCENE II. 

Apartment in Mr. Warble's Mansion, Manor 
Farm y Dingley DelL 

Enter Isabella, Emily, and Aunt Rachel. 

Trio, O nines. 

Air— <( Nice Young Maidens." 

Fond and faithful, pure and fair, 1 

Nice young maidens ! 
Why should we pine in despair, 
Born for loving, as we are ; 
Make us, God of Love, thy care, ' 

Nice young maidens ! 



SAM WELLER. 11 

Why are we doom'd apes to lead, 

Nice young maidens ! 
Men were better, far, indeed. 

For young maidens ! 
Bachelors' — not to be named,— 
We to mend, should be asham'd ; 
Can we by any one be blam'd, 

Nice young maidens ! 

Isa. Ah ? nice young maidens, indeed; but 
Avhat's the use of our being such nice young 
maidens, if no nice young men ever come here 
to see how very nice we are. 

Em. Right, Isabella, dear ! — Heigho ! papa 
grows almost every thing at Dingley Dell — his 
own hogs— his own vegetables — his own mutton 
—his own poultry — what a pity it is, he can't 
grow a few young men as well. 

Rack. It is indeed, Emily, love ! 

Isa. Ah, poor aunt Rachel, I feel for you, 
with all my heart ! if it's annoying to us, who 
have not waited so very long for lovers— we have 
neither of us arrived at years of discretion, 
yet, what must it be for you, that have waited the 
time you have — it's terrible to think of. 

Rack. Time, indeed — but certainly time does 
seem long, when one's waiting — not, but it's 
partly my own fault, such chances as 1 have had ; 
such offers as have been made to me ; there was 
my dear Lothario, at Stoke Pogis, bitterly do \ 
repent my cruelty to him — heigho S 

Isa. Let me see, that was in the year one, I 
believe, aunt, wasn't it 'I 

Rack. Pert chit! no miss, it was not two 
years ago— it was when you was in your pin-: 
afore at school, eating bread and butter,— 

Isa, And a little sugar— poor aunt 



12 SAM WELLEB, 

Enter Wardle, with letter* 

War, Good news, girls ! — good news ! — here 
Joe — Joe, I s&y— (calling)— -damn that boy, \\$s 
asleep again. 

Enter Fat Boy, drowsily. 

F. Boy. Yes, sir — yaw, aw. {snores and 
closes his eyes.) 

War. Confound you— you must be awake 
now — we must all be awake. 

Isa. Eh ! Why? what's the matter, papa ? 

Em. Oh, pray tell us, pa, I'm all anxiety 
to know. 

War. Matter, girl! this is the matter: — A 
letter from my old friend, Pickwick ! — "he's in the 
neighbourhood, with three young fellows — three 
members of his celebrated club. 

Rach. Young men ! — oh my susceptible heart ! 

Isa, Three young club-bites, glorious ! papa — i- 
you know I make war, in common with my sex, 
against all clubs, as anti-matrimonial and useless! 
—hearts and diamonds for me— but where ar^ 
they, papa ? 

Em. Aye, where are they 1 — a thousand 
romantic visions flit across my mind. 

War' They are coming here ; Pickwick has 
promised me a visit. 

Rach. But when? brother. 

Isa. and Em. Ah, when"? — when, papa? 

War. There's the rub — they have come to in- 
spect all that is worth seeing in the neighbour- 
hood — no doubt we shall find them at the Review! 

Isa. No doubt — no doubt— don't ? let us wait 
for them, papa, but set out in search of them ; 



SAM WELLER. 13 

nothing like securing beaus to our bosoms when 
we can. 

Rack. So 1 say — thank heaven ! we shall, at 
last, have somebody else to visit us, besides the 
old clergyman and the justice of the peace. 

War. A very good idea, girls — we'll go and 
bring them here forthwith, I long to see my old 
friend, Pickwick, once again ; we shall have 
something to cheer us up now. Joe — Joe — 
damn that boy, he's asleep again. 

F. Boy. (waking) Yes, sir — yaw — aw. 

War. Order the barouche, directly ; we can go 
to the Review and the Rook-shooting, both under 
one — kill two birds with one stone, as the doc- 
tors say — there — there — away with you, he's fit 
for nothing, but to play the Somnambulist — he'll 
make a capital Sleep-walker. 

F. Bog. Yes, sir — yaw — aw. (snores, stum- 
bles, knocks his head against edge of scene, 
and exits. 

War. There's no time to waste, so on with 
your bonnets, and let's start directly, — this way 
r— this way. 

Isa. Em. and Aunt Bach. Delightful — 
charming — exquisitively agitatating ! 

f Exeunt Omnes. 



14 SAM WELLE R . 



SCENE III. 

Itinerant Suttling Booths and Romantic Land- 
scape, near the JLines, Chatham. Canteen, 
Allycampajgn, Piemen, Countrymen, 8$c. 
discovered. 

Chorus, Omnes. 

Am- f< Follow the Drnm" 

Though 'tis not now the month of May, 
When bees from flower to floweret hum, 
The soldiers through the town march gay,, 
And the people flock to the sound of the drum ; 
Yes,, men and women, girls and boys, 
All jump up as they hear the noise, 
And from their houses, out they come, 
To see the soldiers, and hear the drum. 

Though 'tis not now, &c. 

Distant noise of artillery heard without. 

Can. There they go it — there they go it — 
they're hard at it — now then, Allycampaign, 
have you got the ginger pop, and the brandy 
balls ready, for these military, after they've 
gone through their manoeuvres ; for they'll be 
coming here to bivouac, you know. 

Ally. Aye — aye— they'll have their vhack, I 
know that, well enough, master. 

Can. And have you got the chine, that we 
made, ready for the light horse and cavalry, to 
cut into ; and the double stout, for the artillery. 
(artillery heard without.} There they go 
again, they'll be as hungry as sharp-shooters. 
soon. 



SAM WELLfeR, 15 

Ally. Every thing is ready, so they may 
come and perform their manoeuvres as soon as 
they like ; the sham fight must be nearly over 
by this time. I can't see, for my part, what's 
the use of a sham fight, it all ends in smoke — if 
they kill'd one another in real arnest, there 
would be something worth looking at — summat 
to amuse the ladies ! this make-belief is only 
wasting powder and shot. 

Can, Talking of shot, mind you look sharp 
after the shot — but eh ! here's the gentry 
a-coming, I must go in and get the sandwiches 
and bottled porter ready — ah, there is nothing 
like a review, and we has one quarterly here, 
though they never gives any quarter. — Come 
boys. \Eocit Canteen, Allycampaxgn, 8fc. 
into booth. 

Enter Wardle, Aunt Rachel, Emily, 
Isabella, and Fat Boy. 

War. No signs of my friend, Pickwick, and 
I have look'd all among the heavy dragroons. 

Isa. And not a stranger to be seen among 
the light infantry — how provoking J 

Em. I hope we havn't miss'd them, heigho ! 

War. Joe — Joe — I say — damn that boy, he's 
asleep again — fell asleep while they were firing 
off the cannon — why, Joe — I say— - 

F. Boy. Yes, sir, I am up — yaw, aw. 

War. Up ! confound you — look out, and see 
if you can discover any strangers. 

F. Boy. I will, sir ! — ( Yawns, shuts his eyes, 
and snores.} 

War. Was there ever such a fellow*— Is that 



IS S A M WE L L ER, 

the way you look out? Shutting your eyes, 
sirrah ! 

F. Boy. Yes, sir ! (snores.) I'm going. 
(jjawns.) 

War. Ah ! to the land of Nod ! There never 
was such a rascal ! 

Isa. It ceutainly has been a grand sight ! 
this Review — and does honour to the troops. 

Song, Isabella. 

Air — <s Oh they march" d through the Town." 

They marched o'er the plain, with their banners so gay, 
And then march'd back again, while their bands they did play; 
The troops were the finest that e'er I did see, 
And the officers, all smiPd most sweetly on me ! 

Though they fired not with ball, yet they hit me outright, 
Though I knew that the fight, was but, still, a sham fight ; 
But of all sights — I'd at a review soonest be, 
For the officers all smil'd most sweetly on me ! 

Enter Pickwick, Snodgrass, Tupman. Win- 
kle, and Sam. 

War. Eh ! what do I see % here they are ! — 
Welcome, my dear friend, Pickwick — welcome 
gentlemen — happy to see you all — haven't for- 
got you since I met you, last winter, at the 
club. Allow me to introduce you to my family 
— my daughters — my girls ! — my sister, too, 
Miss Rachel Wardle. She's a Miss, though 
she's not amiss ! 

Rack. Lor ! brother. — 

War~ True — true ! — nobody can deny it- 
very glad to see you all. You must go with us to 
Manor Farm — I sha'n't lose sight of you now I've 
once got you — we must have a jollification of it, 
— Pickwick, my boy ! I'll put the ladies under 
the charge of your friends — I've a world of 



SAM YVKLLER. 17 

things to say to you, that will take up all your 
attention. Weil just walk as far as Muggleton, 
to meet a party that I've promised to join in 
Rook-shooting. — 

Pick. Rook-shooting ! my dear friend, War- 
die, that will be the very thing — my young 
friend, Winkle, here, is an excellent Rook- 
shooter — a most capital shot ! 

Win. No ! no ! 

Pick. You know you are — it's only his 
modesty. 

War. Well, we'll try him — Joe shall drive (he 
women home to prepare tea for us — while we 
bag a score or two. Joe— Joe ! Damn that boy 
— he's gone to sleep again ! 

Pick* Very extraordinary boy, that !— does 
he alwaps sleep in this way ? 

War. Sleep ! — he's never awake I Goes on 
errands fast asleep — dreams as he eats his din- 
ner — and snores as he waits at table ! 

Pick. How very odd ! — 

War. Ah J odd indeed !— I'm proud of that 
boy — wouldn't part with him on any account- 
he is a natural curiosity. Have the goodness, 
somebody, to pinch him in the leg — nothing else 
wakes him. 

Sam. Do it directly, sir ! — not a morsel of 
trouble, (pinches Fat Boy.) 

F. Boy. Oh ! Lord !— ' 

Sam. Don't mention it — quite velcome— -I can 
assure you. 

War. Look after the Barouche, Joe — come 
Pickwick — pair your friends and the girls. 

Pick. With pleasure— allow me — MissRachel 
Wardle ;— Mr. Tracy Tupman {introduces them, 

P 



18 SAM WELLER. 

Rack. Oh! the dear man ! Heigho ! (aside.') 
Oh I sir! (as he takes her hancl^ amatorily.) 

Tup. Enchanting creature ! (they retire tip 
the stage toying.^ 

Isa. Dear me, how sweet aunt Rachel is on 
rthe little old gentleman, (aside.) 

Pick. Miss Isabella Wardle— Mr. Nathaniel 
Winkle ! — {(introducing them.} 

Isa. (asideS) A very natty Beau— a sportsman 
4po. — Well, Lrnust have some sport with him "I 

Win. Happy to be. introduced to so beauti- 
jful 3. preserve! {they retire* making a set at 
each other.) 

Em. Now comes my turn— I'm all in § 
-twitter — {^asidc.) 

Pdck. Miss Emily Wordle— Mr. Augustus 
Snodgrass-^a very celebrated poet, Miss Emily, 
X can ass ii re you. (introducing them*) 

Snod. JEtherial vision of some brighter sphere ! 
— -I joy in this fair greeting. 

Em. (aside.) How Byron-ish and romantic 
he looks— there is poetry in his very shirt collar. 
(they retire, enthusiastically .) 

Pick. Sam and ray fat friend— you hare been 
introduced to each other. 

Sam. Yes— I gripp'd his calf— so ve are on 
intimate terms— as the gnat said to the cow's taih 

F Boy. (snores?) 

War. Well, now then, yon all know one 
another— so that's as it should be. (Loud ex- 
plosion heard without— all the ladies scream, 
and throw, themselvesintoihe gentlemen s arms.) 

Snod. (/o Em.) I'll with my life preserve you ! 

Win. 1 certainly smell powder! — 

Tup. What, in heaven's name, was that ? 



SAM WELL Eft. 19 

Pick. Don't be alarmed — they've only been 
springing the mine in the battery !— now the 
review is all over. — 

Isa. and Em. (recovering from their confu- 
sion, and laughing at their alarm,) How very 
ridiculous — ha ! —ha \ 

Rach. I beg your pardon, Mr. Tupman, but 
my nerves are so weak, — Bless me ! how for- 
ward those girls are— there's dear Emily flirting 
with the coarse-hair-looking gentleman, already. 
(to Tupman.) What spirits young people have. 
Do you think my nieces pretty ? (to Tupman.) 

Tup. I should ? if their aunt wasn't here ! — 

Rach. Oh ! you naughty man !— but, really,, if 
their complexions were a little better, don't you 
think they would be nice looking girls — by 
candle-light ? 

Tup. (embarrased.) Yes, I— I think they 
would ! — 

Rach. Oh ! you quiz ! I know what you are 
going to say. — You are going to say — that Isa- 
bella stoops— I know you are — well, she does 
stoop! — and that Emily's a little too bold — well, 
she is bold™ but my dear brother dont see 
it — it w 7 ould break his heart, if he did ! — 
Heigho ! I hope the guns won't fire again — for 
I'm so timid — I always require some one to sup- 
port me, on the slightest alarm ! (languishingly) 

Tup. I will support you, enchanting creature ! 

Em. (aside to Isabella.) I'm sure aunt is 
talking about us — -she looks so maliciously. — - 

Isa. Does she? — I'll soon spoil her. Aunt! 
—hem — aunt ! 

Rach. Yes, my dear love ! — 

Isa. I'm so afraid you'll catch cold ? aunt— 



20 SAM WELIER. 

have a silk handkerchief to tie round your dear 
old head — consider your age ! — 

Rack. The spiteful puss! — before this gentle- 
man, too — I could bite my tongue off with vex- 
ation, (aside) 

War. Come, let us be off — the Rooks will be 
waiting for us — besides we shall get a peep at 
the grand Cricket Match that's playing on the 
common, behind the Blue Lion — all Muggleton 
against the Dingley Dell-ers. 

Win. Bravo ! I doat on a cricket match ! 

Isa. And I'm no bad hand at a ball ! — nor 
foot either, Mr. Winkle. 

War. Well, then, you're very appropriate 
partners. — Eh ! girl !— Come,* I think that's a 
notch.— Ha! ha! so let's away. Joe! — damn 
that boy — he's asleep again. You'll follow with 
■ — what's the name of your man, Pickwick ? — 

Pick. Weller— Samuel Weller !— 

War. You'll follow with Mr. Weller.— 
Pinch him, when you want' to wake him. Mr. 
Weller! 

Sam. I'll take care, sir!— 

War. Well now then! 

Snod. Allow me fairest of created beings! 
(offering his arm, poetically.) 

Em. Quite Milton-ish and sublilne, I declare 
— (aside.) Oh ! Augustus ! Heigho ! 

Retch, (taking Tupmans arm, affectedly.) 
Heigho ! 

Isa. The little god has certainly started some 
game to-day — (aside.) — heigho! (taking Win- 
kle's arm sportively.) \Eoceunt Wardle, 
and Pickwick, Aunt Rachel and Tupman, 
Emily and Snodgrass, Isabella and Winkle. 



SAM WELL ER. 21 

Sam. Veil, this is a queer start — this is — 
now young tventy stun! are you avake ? 

F. Boy. Yes. (snores.} 

Sam. You are as nice a specimen of a prize 
boy, as ever I seed. 

F. Boy. Thank'ye. (snores.) 

Sam. You aint got nothin on your mind as 
makes you fret yourself, has you ? 

F. Boy. Not as I knows on — yaw — aw ! 

Sam. I should mother ha 5 thought, to look 
at you, that you vas labourin under an unre- 
qvited attachment to some young ooman. 

F. Boy. Not as I knows on — yaw — aw ! 

Sam. Glad to hear it — do you ever drink 
any thing"? 

F. Boy. I likes eating better — not, but what 
I'm fond of a drop of something, when it's good. 

Sam. Veil, veil try vhat the next tap is 
made on, as the cooper said to the bung ! and 
arter that, ve'll see vhat ve can do to frighten 
the Rooks, and astonish the Crows, a bit ! 

Song, Sam.* 

'Air — " Jim Crorv" 

Rooks and daws must look out, vhen ] j 

Rook-shooting, Cockneys go, 
For those who shoot at pigeons 
Wery often kills a crow ! 
\ Hop about, and skip about, 
., And jump jist so, 

Keep for Rooks, a sharp look out — ] 
Nor kill the Crow ! 

Of all the birds that make a noise, 

There's no one like the Crow, 
He's mock'd by all the little boys, 

Still as he does, they do! 

* This Song is Published with the Music, and a Likenes of Mr. Ham- 
mond, by Limbird & Co, 143, Strand. 



22 SAM WELLE R, 

Vheel about, and turn about , 

And jump jist so, 
Laughing at their silly rout, ! 

He jumps Jim Crow ! 

Though he knows nothin of the laws, *! 

My blessings on the Crow, 
He never speaks vithout some cause. 

All counsel can't say so ! 

Vheel about, and turn about, &e. 

The Daw's a Rogue, most pliant,' 

As veil, the Rooks they know ; 
The Pigeon is the Client, 

Vile the Lawyer is the Crow ! 

Vheel about, turn about, &c. 

The Crows they glean the cornfields now ; 

Fly, valk, and ride, they do. 
There's JackeyCrow, and old Jim Crow, j 

And Astley's famed Du-Crow ! 
Vheel about, and turn about, &c. \ 

Those who to blame me wenture, 

Let them to the play-house go, 
They'll find the Doves they censure, 

Vhile they always spares the Crow ! # 

Veel about, turn about, &c. 

5 Tis true I can't sing younger, 

But 'tis time that I should go, 
For my friends, if I stay longer, 

Vith me may pick a Crow ! 

ki Vheel about, turn about, &c. 



SCENE IV. 

Room in the Blue Lion Inn, Muggleton. 

Enter Jingle, in Flannel Jacket, and Straw 
Hat, followed by Job Trotter. 

Jin. Yes — introduced myself — you know my 

* '■ Dat veniam Corvis, vexat censura Coiumbas ! v — Juvenal. 



SAM WELL Ell. 23 

#vay — joined all Muggleton — spoil'd Dingley 
Dell — second innings — thirty notches — floor' d 
best batsman— capital long bowler — very! 

Trot. Yes, you can draw the long bow well 
enough ! but what's your purpose in copiing here? 

Jin. Tell ye directly — twinkling of an eye- 
Party of Pickwickians— rare fellows — short 
memories— long purses — met 'em in London- — 
joined compapy — rode to Rochester — stood 
Sam— Crown Inn— grand ball — fond of dancing 
— Winkle drunk — borrowed his coat — Tupman 
paid ticket— sweet on'old widow — Doctor Slam- 
mer, Army Surgeon — pills like bullets — got jea- 
lous — challenge, poor Winkle, next morning — 
P. C. coat — -knew nothing of the matter — went 
put instead of me — Pitt Fort — nearly shot — 
mistake discovered— found me out— laugh-huff 
—acquaintance interrupted — unlucky — very ! 

Trot. Well, but I can't see your drift now. 

Jin. Buzzard — muff — stupid — Too good to 
part with— pluck 'em a little more— fall in with 
'em here — go where they go — meet rich heiress 
—get married— take circuit — engage you!— 
* 4 Dismal Jimmy," low comedy — make your 
fortune— capital spec ! — very ! — 

Trot. I begin to perceive novv 5 you'll want 
me, as usual 3 to be your confederate. Play 
Archer, to your Aimwell 1 

Jin. Mulberry livery — stock dress — pious; 
face — hvmn book — ' collection, number four' — ■ 
begets confidence — all right— -done thing — well 
swim yet, — damme ! 

Trot. You are the very prince of gaggers ! if 
you only acted as well on the stage, as off, you'd 
make an honest fortune, but as it is— 



24 SAM WELLER. 

Jin. No moralizing, all twaddle, Job Trot- 
ter — beg pardon, Dismal Jimmy! — low comedian 
Hookem Snivey — Babe of grace — Ebenezer 
meeting — My friend— great rascal — very ! — 

Trot. Thank ye — ulloa' here's company 
coming. 

Jin. Eh ! my pigeons — musn't be seen toge- 
ther — Exit hastily— take tizzey — {gives money) 
pipe and pint— find you in the tap — wait till 
call'd for — 

Trot. Aye — aye!— I know my cue,— wait for 
the word — there's the Shepherd there — so we 
can both get pious ! — \Eocit Job Trotter. 

Enter Pickwick, Snodgrass, Winkle, War- 
dle and Sam Weller. 

Pick. Mr. Winkle, as my disciple and asso- 
ciate, I must say, that any man who pretends to 
a knowledge of that, which he don't understand, 
to the danger and detriment pf human life, is 
wrong — decidedly wrong ! 

Sam. Only a slight mistake in the genl'man, 
sir ! though it vas wery unfortinate, certainly, 
he only shot at the Crow and wing'd a Pigeon ! 

Pick. Wing'd a Pigeon! Sam? nonsense, he 
had nearly kill'd my dear friend, Tupman — 
forty-five sparrow shots in the fleshy part of 
his arm — lucky they warn't swan-shot I while 
the cursed Rook or the Crow, whichever you call 
it, got off scot free — cawing— cawing — cawing ! 
as if he was laughing at us for our pains. 

Sam. Yes, he didn't go vithout caws^ sir, 
certainly ; but I gave Mr. Vinkle to the care 
of young Daniel Lambert, to take him to the 
Ladies; so he'll soon be rill right agin. 



S A M W K L IER, &5 

War. Aye— aye ! — therefore let's think no 
more about it — the sueccss of the Cricket 
Match ! makes full amends, for our failure in the 
Rook shooting! though I certainly did expect 
your friend to have turned out a better shot. 

Jin. {coming forward J Now for it — (aside.) 
Ah ! capital game — Cricket, sir — smart sport- 
fine exercise — very ! — 

War. Eh ! who's this ? 

Pick, (recognizing him J What a my friend, 
Mr. Jingle ! 

Jin. Ah, Pickwick! how are you? — glad to 
see you — Capital'fun— lots of beer — hogsheads ! 
— rounds of beef — bullocks ! — mustard — cart 
loads ! — glorious day — make yourself at home 
—glad to see you — very ! 

Pick, Allow me to introduce you to Mr. 
Wardle, a friend of mine. 

Jin. Friend of yours ! My dear sir, how are 
you? friend of my friend — give me your hand, 
sir ! shall be delighted to visit you ! must dine 
together — and — 

Pick. But how came you here, Mr. Jingle? 

Jin. Came? — stopping at Crown, here, Mug- 
gleton — met a party — flannel jackets — white 
trousers — anchovy sandwiches — devill'd kidneys 
— splendid fellows — glorious ! — capital game^ 
certainly — well play'd — well play'd— admirable 
strokes— very — 

War. You've play'd it sir % 

Jin. I think I have, — thousands of times! not 
here — West Indies — -exciting sport — warm work 
— red hot—scorching ! — -play'd a match once— 
friend, the Colonel,— -Sir Thomas Blazo! — single 
wicket — who should get most runs s — Won the 

tip 



2G SAM WELLER, 

toss— first innings—seven o'clock, A.M. — six 
Natives to look out — went in- — kept in — heat in- 
tense — Natives all fainted — taken away — fresh 
half dozen ordered — fainted also — Blazo bowl- 
ing — supported by two Sepoys — couldn't bowl 
me out — fainted too— clear'd away the Colonel — 
wouldn't give in — Faithful attendant, duanko 
Sambo, last man left — sun so hot — bat in blis- 
ters — ball scorch'd brown — five hundred and 
fifty runs — rather exhausted — Quanko mustered 
up last remaining strength — bowled me out- 
had a bath, and went home to dinner ! — 

Pick. And what became of, what's his name % 
— sir ! 

Jin. Blazo % — 

War. No, the other gentleman ! — 

Jin. Quanko Sambo. Poor duanko — never 
recovered it — bowled on, on his own account — 
and bowled off on mine — died, sir! — died. — 

Sam. Yes, I think I attended his funeral. 

Jin. But, come, let's in to dining-room — 
Dingley Dell, treats all Muggleton — Devilish 
good dinner. — Cold — but capital — peep'd into 
the room this morning — Fow r ls — Pies — and all 
that sort of thing. — Pleasant fellows — well-be- 
haved — very I — 

War. Aye — aye! and then we'll off to 
Manor Farm. We'll take vour friend with us, 
Pickwick I — 

Jin. Shall be delighted — very! — but must dine 
first— drink Dumkin's health — return thanks 
to Lufifey ! — Demosthenes — Diogenes — Alexan- 
der — damme— {sings.} 

We wont go home till morning, 

We wont go home till morning, 

We wont go home till morning, 

Till day light does appear ! 



SAM WELLER, 27 

War. Wonderful man ! 

Sam. Yes, — I vender vhether his mother had 
any more on 'em—it vasn't in natur for her to 
have had twins of the same sort — they voultl 
have been shown as a phenomena, if she had ! — 

War. Well, now then for dinner— and then 
for Manor Farm — for Rural Sports and the 
Pleasures of the Chase ! — 

Snod. For Native Solitude and high Poetic 
Musing ! — 

Comic Glee^ Omnes* 

Am— " Old Norfolk Melody:** 

Come my jolly boys, come, come with me, 

And visit Manor Farm ; 
With a clodpole here, and a clodpole there, 

And here a lad> and there a lad, 

And every where a lad ! 
And Oh, my jolly boys, will you come with me, 
All o'er the hills so green, oh ! 

Come my jolly boys, will you come with me, 

To see my cocks and hens ; 
With a tuck, tuck, here, &c. 

Come my merry men, will you come with me, 

To see my Suffolk pigs ; 
With a week, week, here, &c. 

[Exeunt O runes. 



* Adapted "by Alexander Lee to the words M Ccrne, come my Merry 
Men," &c. and susg at Vauxhall Gardens. 



28 S A J\r \V ELLE K . 

SCENE V. 

Arbour and Garden of Manor Farm. 

Enter Aunt Rachel, Isabella, and Emily. 
Snatch, Omnes. 

Air — ' * Here in Cool Grot and Moss?/ Cell." 

Here, in cool shades, in Dingley Deli, 
We single maids and spinsters dwell ! 
Here from man's dominion free, 
We rove and sigh in liberty ! 

Enter Fat Boy, {staring very strangely.} 

Isa. Eh! bless me! what's the matter— Joe 
seems agitated — something very extraordinary 
and alarming must have happened, to move him. 
For heaven's sake! Joe— what horrid event? — • 

F. Boy. {yawns.} 

Isa. No— no ! — speak — tell us— 

Em. Good heaven's — I hope no accident % 

Rack. Surely the dear man— tell me Joe, I 
conjure you — what fatal — 

F. Boy. Oh ! mistress — mistress — dreadful 
news — he's kill'd — -yaw— aw !— - 

Racily Isa., and Em. {severally} Mercy 
on us | who 1 — speak — speak ! 

F. Boy. Mr. — yaw — aw — aw ! 

Rack , Isa., and Em. {severally pulling Fat 
Boy.} Who? my dear Augustus?— Poor Natty? 
— Mr. Tupman *?— tell us instantly— who % — 

F. Boy. That's what I'm going to do. Mr. 
—yaw — aw !— 

Rack.. Isa., and Em. {severally pulling Fat 
Boy.} This suspense — this anxiety — this alarm 
—it rqust be — in mercy — pity — Joe ! — 

F. Boy. Yes ? it is Mr.— yaw — aw— aw! 



S A M WELLER. 29 

Hack. ha. and Em. {severally pulling and 
shaking Fat Boy) Distraction — agony— despair. 

Enter Tupman, his arm in a sling. 

Rach. Ah! there's blood upon his arm — he's 
killed, {screams faints, and is caught by Fat 
Boy, who falling asleep, almost lets her down.) 

Isa. Aunt! aunt! throw some water over 
her, Joe. 

F. Boy. (snores.) 

Isa. Bless me. he's asleep again! how pro- 
voking, 

Rach. No, No, I am better — is he wounded 
— is he dead — is he ? ha ! ha ! (hysterically) 
tell me, are you dead"? (to Tupman.) 

Tup. Touching sensibility— no — no, compose 
yourself, dearest madam — I pledge you my 
honour, I am not dead, only shot. — - 

Rach. Through the heart ? — 

Isa. With an arrow? — oh Cupid! Cupid! 

Tup. No, no, in the arm, with a gun ! Mr. 
Winkle, mistook me for a Rook, that was all. 

Isa. Mercy on me, I hope he will take aim 
better with me. (aside.) 

Rach. 'Tis his voice, he yet may be re- 
covered, dear man, go for a surgeon: 

Tup. Matchless affection — no, no, I'm only 
a little faint — a glass of negus and a sandwich, 
with a little diaculnm plaister, is all I shall re- 
quire to restore me. 

Isa.. We will go and see it prepared for you 
instantly — come Emily — let us leave the doves 
together, for a short time — poor things — follow 
us, Joe. \ Exeunt Isabella and Emily. 

F. Boy, (Yawning) I'm a coming—they're 



30 8 AM WELL ER, 

always a-saying I'm a-sleep — I'll shew. them I 
can be awake sometimes! (aside.) — I'm only 
going to shut the hot-house windows. (Exit 
Fat Boy on one side, yawning and snoring.) 

Tup. Oh, Miss Rachel, dear, enchanting, 
Miss Rachel ! how can I repay you for the 
generous sympathy you've evinced in my behalf ! 
all powerful deity of Love ! — 
Rack. Love ! 

Tup. Yes, angel of a woman ! 
Rack. Angel! 

Tup. I repeat the term — I die for you ! 
Rack. Is your wound, then, worse? 
Tup. No — no — say but you love me. 
Rack. What will my mother say ? 
Tup. The deaf old lady, I met on entering! 
does she know you're out ? if not, she need know 
nothing of the matter — she might talk of youth, 
of inexperience else, and blight our happiness — 
let us only consult ourselves — a post chaise at 
midnight — an elopement — the Blue Lion, Mug- 
gleton ! — 

Rack. An elopement! — no — no/it is too rash 
a step ; what will the world — 

Tup. We are our own world, Divinity ! 
Enchantress ! 

Rack. Seductive man, I can't resist you — all 
powerful passion must excuse me, (Tupman 
kneels, takes Rachel's hand and kisses it pas- 
sionately.) 

Enter Fat Boy unseen* — gazes at them, and 
gives a loud snore — they both start — Rachel 
screams. 

Rack, Mercy on me, what's that % 



SAM W EL LEU. 3i 

Tup, Discovered. 

F. Boy. I'm only dreaming — -there's young; 
missus's are quite awake, though — yaw-— aw ! 
—{loud laugh heard without.) 

Enter Isabella and Emily on each side — Isa- 
bella with negus, and Emily with plaister. 

ha. Don't let us disturb you, aunt, I beg. — 

Em. We've only brought the plaister and 
negus. 

Isa. Hope you find yourself better ; but I 
see you are — ah, there's nothing like sympathy* 

Tup. Curse that Fat Boy — but he can't have 
overheard our assignation, {aside.) 

Isa. We wont mention anything, if Joe don't. 

Em. And I'm sure he wont ; that is, if he 
knows it — only, unfortunately, he's a habit of 
talking in his sleep. 

F. Boy. Yes — I [talks in my sleep, (snores.) 

Tup. What's to be done 1 I must burke or 
smother him. (aside.) 

Isa. What can detain papa, and poor Mr. 
Winkle. 

Em. Is my Augustus unfaithful ? C noise 
without ) 

Enter Pickwick, Wardle, Snodgrass, and 
WiNKLE^intOcvicated ; attended by Jingle and 
Sam — the latter supporting Pickwick,— Jin- 
gle leading Wardle, — and Snodgrass and 
Winkle supporting one another, 

War. (singing.) — 

We are nae fou yet, we are nae fou yet, 

But just a wee drap in the ee ; 
The Cock may craw, the day may d^w, ; 

But aye, we'll takethe Barley bree!j 



32 SAM WELLER, 

Sam. Hold up, sir! — hold up, sir! 

Isa. Good heavens! is anything the matter ? 

Pick, (hiccupping) Nothing's the matter — 
we— we're all right ! — I say, Wardle, aint we ? 

War. I should think so. — My dears, here's. 
Mr, Pickwick's friend, Mr. Jingle, come 'pon a 
little visit. — 

Rach. (aside.) Amazement ! who do I 
see? — my long lost loved Lothario? — Be still 
my heart ! 

Jin. (aside.) What the devil— my Lucretia 
Mactab, of Hookem Snivey. — Here's a turn up 
— mum ! — 

Em. Dear me — how very queer my Augus- 
tus looks, (aside) Is there anything the matter 
with Mr. Snodgrass ? 

Jin. Nothing the matter, ma'am — Cricket- 
Dinner — Glorious Party — Capital Songs — Elo- 
quent Speeches — Old Port — Claret — good- 
very good — wine ma'am, — wine — (sings^) 

Bacchus ! Bacchus I adore thee ! 

Snod. It wasn't the wine — Celestial creature ! 
—it was the salmon. — 

Sam. It's wery odd — but vhen a gentl'man 
gets drunk, it somehow never is the vine as 
makes him so ! — Mr. Snodgrass is only a little 
elewated, ma'am — Mr. Vinkte, here, has bin 
a bit in the sun too, vhile your papa and the 
governor has bin making themselves com- 
fortable — they only vants forty vinks to be all 
right agin — -young Kitchen-stuff, here, can shew 
'em the vay to a sophy. 

Win. I won't go to any sophy — I'll go out 
a tiger-shooting — where's some young biiffalos f \ 



SAM WELLER. 33 

Sa?n. (pointing to Fat Boy) Here's von, sir. 

F. Boy. (snores.) 

lsa. My admirer has been out sporting for 
something — they must have a nap and some 
soda water, or they'll miss our Chrimas Eve 
festivities. 

Win. Let's .have another bottle, Wardle — 
lend me a dog, and I'll go out a Bat-shooting 
— didn't half shoot that Tupman, this morning. 

Rack. Sanguinary monster ! 

Jin. Dog — Bat-shooting ! — Dogs, fine animals 
— sagacious creatures — dog of my own once. — 
Pointer — surprizing instinct! — out shooting one 
day — entering inclosure — whistled — no go ! — 
stock still— call'd him— " Ponto ! Ponto!"— 
wouldn't move— stood transfixed — staring at a 
board — looked up — saw an inscription — "Game- 
keeper ordered to shoot all dogs found in this 
inclosure." — Wouldn't pass it — wonderful dog 
— valuable Canis — that — very ! 

Isa. You'd better lie down, Mr. Winkle. 

Win. I'll never lie down, (falls down.) 

War. Hurrah ! — Joe, attend to Mr. Winkle 
— damn that boy — he's — yaw r — aw ! — asleep — 
asleep, (sleeps, snores.) 

F. Boy. I'll accompany you, sir ! — (snores, 
leads his master off, both snoring.) 

Tup. I'll be magnanimous ; though he shot me 
in the morning— as he seems a dead man now 
— I'll take care of him. 

Isa. Do, pray sir! — It's only the fresh air! 

Tup. (Picks Winkle up, and leads him off, 
he exclaiming, weeping) — Oh ! if my mother 
did but know I was out ! — 

Snod. (Hiccuping.) It was'nt the Hare — > 



34 SAM WELLER. 

t'was the pickled salmon— it's got in my head — 
I must have some brandy to keep it down — more 
salmon — a little cold punch — no body shall lead 
me — I feel the inspiration of the muse — oh, let 
me quaff the Heliconian Fount— pickled salmon, 
a cock salmon ! (Reels off.} 

Em. Dear Mr, Snodgrass, how particularly 
shocking ! 

Sam. How werry happy they all are— and 
vhat's the odds, so long as you're happy ! — now 
governor, sir !— 

Pick. Hurrah ! (throws Ms spectacles down > 
and dances.} 

Sam. How wery veil he does it — Now, sir ! 
if you please — for Bedfordshire ! 

Pick. I shall only go by the coach ! — 

Sam. f taking him on his back) Here you are, 
sir! — outside place— all right behind, sir! — (car- 
ries off Pickwick^ on his back — he exclaiming) 
— Take care of my luggage ! — 

Rach. What a terribly shocking scene ! — 

Em. Young men are so soon led away — my 
papa — and Mr. Pickwick, should have known 
better. 

Isa. (to Jingle) Very disgusting, — aint it, 
sir?— 

Jin. Dreadful — dreadful — horrid spectacle — 
quite boys — havn't drunk so much as I have, by 
a bottle and a half (aside) better go and look 
after 'em — must speak to old woman, here — 
(aside) do themselves a mischief, perhaps. 

Em. Heaven forbid! — I must'ntlose a moment 
come, Bella! [Exeunt Isabella and Emily. 

Jin. Hem ! — coast clear — good opportunity 
very !■ — (aside.) — Calista ! 



S A M WELLE 11. 35 

Rack. Lothario! Ha! {the?/ rush into each 
others arms.} How is it I see you — after so 
long an absence ? 

Jin % Faithless woman — driven to despair — 
left Hookein Snivey — English Legion — Queen 
of Spain — Major General— Spanish Donna — 
Old Bolero Fizgig's only daughter, Christina — 
Grandee — splendid creature— loved me to dis- 
traction — Jealous Father — high-soul'd daughter 
— handsome Englishman — Donna Christina, in 
despair — Prussic Acid — Stomach pump in port- 
mantua — Operation performed — Old Bolero in 
extacies — Consent to our union — join hands, 
floods of tears — Romantic story ! — very ! 

Rack. Oh, then you've proved false to your 
vows, as well as me — she lives ? — 

Jin. No — no !-— dead— never recovered the 
Stomach Pump — undermined the constitution — - 
fell a victim— I am now free — take Prussic Acid 
myself — Perfidious, false Calista ! — 

Rach. Oh, Lothario ! never should I have 
yielded to Mr. Tupman, but for your absence. — 

Jin. (aside.) Oh — oh ! — the cat jumps that 
way — Tupman — the horrid reprobate — Giovanni 
the Sixteenth— only wants your money — seven 
trials for bigamy— Poor-Law Commisioners after 
him now — 

Rach. Garcious heavens \ — and I've promised 
to elope with him, to night. — Oh, Lothario !— 
Lothario I — terrible situation — what shall I do 1 

Jin. Leave all to me— I'll save you yet-— 
Elope.— 

Rach. Elope !— 

Jin. Yes — a post chaise from the Blue Lion 
-~ vny tiger shall manage all— Dismal Jimmy is m 



36 SAMWELLER. 

the kitchen — have got Bleeding Nun's dress- 
make assignation — meet him in the garden — Joe 
there instead — lead him into horse- pond — pop 
you, mean time, in the chaise— off to London- 
get married— forgive — never do so any more ! — - 
Come, say it is to be — it is— see it all— yielding 
eye. (sings.') 

In hurry post haste for a licence, 
In hurry, ding dong, I'll come back. 

It's all settled— we shall be happy — very — very ' 
one kiss ! 

Rack. I can refuse you nothing. 

Jin. Rum old girl — have her at last, (aside , 
as he's embracing.) 

Enter Fat Boy. 

F. Boy. Why, she was kissing t'other gentle- 
man just now— master will whop me for telling 
lies— swear I was dreaming — (aside.)— you are 
wanted in the kitchen, Mister., for the revels ! 
they've hung up the misletoe. 

Jin. I wish you was hung up— (aside) — Com- 
ing directly— kiss 'em all — practising for it now. 

F. Boy. (grinning J Yes, I see! 

Jin. Gk> to the devil with you, (hicks Fat 
Boy off.) Now for Tupman — borrow ten pounds 
— arrange plan— carry off old girl ! — -glorious 
idea— very— very ! — This way — this way ! — 

[Exeunt Ambo, 



SAM WELLER. 37 

SCENE VI. 

Old English Servants Hall — Manor Farm — 
Large Fire — Misletoe in the centre fyc. 

JEnter Sam Weller, surrounded by Mary 
Summers, and a group of Servant Maids, 
Country Bumpkins, Sfc. 

Chorus, Omnes. 

Air — " Old Christmas Carrol.'" j 

Now rest ye, merry gentlemen, 

Let nothing you dismay, 
Old Christmas it is come again, 

Therefore we should be gay — 
Should sport and lajugh, and sing and quaff, 

To hail this happy day, 
Which brings tidings of comfort and joy ! 

Sam. Now then 9 young vimmen, as Christmas 
comes butyonce a year, it's wery meritorious that 
ve should make the most of it, so ve'll go to vork 
impromtu ! — -Quite a proper contrivance, this here 
misletoe — I vonder vho inwented it — there cer- 
tainly is nothing that substitutes so veil for 
pating and drinking, as kissing does—he must 
ha' bin wery hungry as first thought on't, 
vich fully accounts for it, for hunger sharpens vft ? 
they say, so he must ha' bin wery sharp set, 
almost as sharp set as I am — so here goes, (is 
qhout to kiss maids, they scream.) 

Mary. Oh lor! Mr, Weller, there must be no 
kissing before master and the young ladies. 

Sam. You are the wery moral of prudence 
and propriety, my dear! jist vhat I say, so I shall 
take the extreme small liberty of kissing you all 
behind their backs. 

Mary. Oh, fie ! Mr. Weller, that aint it— 



38 SAM WELL ER, 

master and the young ladies always sets the ex- 
ample and kisses first. 

Sam. Vy, You quite deals in paradoxes here 
—as the charity boy said to his ABC, vhen he 
couldn't make it out. Veil, I must keep my 
appetite, I suppose, and take double allowance 
vhen I does get it, on account of having fasted. 
Oh, here comes master and the gentlefolks, they 
have voke up as fresh as daisies — ah, there's 
nothing like getting intoxicated in fine veather, 
you does recover so wery soon, and this here has 
bin quvite a September day — -so wery mild and 
clear— I shouldn't mind, for my part, if there vas 
to come a trifle of snow— it don't look like Christ- 
mas vithout it — I likes every thing as is season- 
able, as the man said vhen he cried over the 
mustard-pot. 

Enter Warble, Pickwick, Snodgrass, Tupman, 
Winkle, Jingle, Aunt Raghsl, Isabella, 
and Emily, followed hy Fat Boy. 

War. The wine was rather strong, faith ; but 
thanks to sleep and soda water, we're now all 
right again— now my boys we are all ready for 
the revels. 

ha. Hope vou feel no farther ill effects from 
the salmon, Mr. Snodgrass ? 

Em* Or the sauce, eh ! sister ! 

Snod. 'Twas all a wild phantasma, lovely crea- 
ture— imagination's airy trickery ! 

Sam- I could ha sworn now, as it vas the cold 
punch — vhat a thing it is to be poetical, (aside.) 

Isa. Do you usually do such execution, as 
bring down your man, vyhen you fire with grape 
shot, Mr. Winkle % 



6 A M W ELLER, cSJ 

Win. Quarter — quarter! Miss Isabella — don't 
make game of me — I should have shot better only 
I'm not quite used to the guns, yet. 

Jin. {aside to Tupman) Mind what I've said 
— word to the wise ! — True Friend — very ! — 

Tap. You are — you are ! -—borrowed ten 
pounds of me, just now — Noble confidence — I 
trust all to you ! 

Jin. You can't do better — got your order for 
the post chaise — all right — settled every thing — 
got all in readiness. — In the midst of the dance, 
I'll steal out — prepare matters — old Girl will fol- 
low — you wait a few moments — then steal after 
her — find her waiting at door. — Off with you — 
she knows private outlet — mind, not a word to 
your Venus, before company — Fat Boy has seen 
you — spoil every thing. — 

Tap. My dear friend — I'll take care — I burn 
with all the impatience of ardour and passion ! 

Jin. Mum ! — 

War. What are we waiting for? — 'tis time out- 
revelry commenc'd — are all the servants assem- 
bled % 

Sam. Ve are all here, sir! — as the Pensioners 
say, on pay day. 

War. According to the good old custom, in 
our family, from time immemorial, every one 
must enjoy themselves to night, high and low- — 
rich and poor — Master and servants. 

Jin. Capital custom — very ! — Christmas Car- 
ols — waiting for waits — Elder Wine for the young 
folks— Mince Pies — Wassail Bowl — Ale and 
Apples — Blindman's Buff — Forfeits — Country 
Dance — Hunt the Slipper — -Kiss in the Ring — 
Snap-dragon — pleasant — very ! 



40 SAM WELLER. 

War. Talking of Snap-dragon — where's Joe ? 
Joe, — damn that boy, he's asleep again ! No mat- 
ter — the Snap-dragon will wake him — he'll burn 
Ins fingers if he sleeps over that. — Why Joe, 
— Joe ! 

F. Boy. (snores.) 

War. Oh, there you are ! — bring in the Was- 
sail Bowl ! — 

F. Boy. I aint forgot that — I'm not asleep — 
here it is l-^( Wassail Bowl brought in by two 
Servants.) 

Pick. A noble sight — why should such gener- 
ous customs — the fount of hospitality — the glory 
of Old England — ever be suffered to decay '? 

War. Bravo ! bravo ! — let it go round — and 
to encourage you to drink deeply, friends, I'll 
give you " A Merry Christmas and a Happy New 
Year W 

$a?7i. And wery proper— now then, boys,— 
three cheers— good vons— take 'em from me. 

Omnes, (led by Sam.) Hurrah ! — Hurrah — 
Hurrah ! — 

Sam. A little, von in— as Vellington said vhen 
he sprung the mine in the town, and blow'd up 
the citadel. — " Von cheer more !' ? 

Omnes. Hurrah! — (the Wassail Bowl is 
passed round, all drink, Sam, a la Jobson, gels 
double allowance.) 

F. Boy. {nearly choakes himself with roasted 
apple getting into his mouth.) I must keep 
watch to night — for I've got to keep watch in tiie 
garden — young Mistressses has promised me a 
double share of mince pies — besides some of the 
Turkey — I must mind nobody don't see me — 
Constable Dick and his man are all ready, behind 
the pails — yaw — aw I — 



SAM WELL Ell. 41 

Sam. Vbat's young Opium-eater about, that 
he looks so lively — lie aint choaked himself) has 
lie % — {aside?) 

War. Eh ! the conviviality stopping — I must 
volunteer a song — you must all bear chorus.-— 

Sam. Ill bear chorus, sir; follow me, girls ! 

F. Boy. Singing always sets me asleep — 111 
take my post, while I can. {steals off iinji er- 
ceived.) 

Song and Chorus, Wardle and Omnes. 

Air — ' * Old English Gentleman . ' ' 

I love the good old Customs, and the good old Times revere, 
When the good old Hospitality, at Christmas time, would cheer> 
With good Plumb Pudding and Roast Beef, and humming Nut- 
brown Beer, 
The hearts of all the Poor around, for more than half s year ; — 
Like a Good Old English Gentleman, all of the olden time ! 

Like a Good Old English, See. 

I love'the good old Christmas Fires, round which, still pass'd the joke ; 
The good old Christmas Carols, that of peace and joy still spoke, 
The good old Christmas Boxes, that still lighten'd labour's yoke> 
And the good old Christmas garnish, too, the Holly and the Oak !— *• 
Like a Good Old English Gentleman, all of the olden time. 

Like a Good Old English, &c. 

My good old Ancestors still kept them up, for many a day ; 
Old England's boast and comfort too, oh ! ne'er may they decay ! 
But, cheering young and old, be by their sons preserved for aye, J 
And, glad their children's hearts, long after they have pass'd away ! — 
Like a Good Old English Gentleman, all of the olden time ! 

Like a Good Old English, &c. 

[Storm begins to rise, without, wind, 8?c. 

War. Eh ! what's that? the wind rising! — 
a drift of snow, falling too ? — this is as it should 
be — Give the fire another poke, Mr. Weller— 
let the Wassail bowl go round — 'To the girls 
we love I' — and then, hey for the misletoe !— 

Sam. Hear ! hear ! hear ! — I'll poke the fire, 

G 



42 SAM WELLER. 

sir ! — and send the Vassail bowl round. — A 
regular genTman that' — independant of his 
breeding — such vvery nice pork! 

Snod. Mystic branch ! — devoted to Love's 
chaste salutes ! — I shall perform thy Druid 
rites, with all the purity of high Poetic feeling! 

Em. {aside) There's no occasion for his 
being too particular about his Poetic purity — I 
shall be quite satisfied with his kissing like or- 
dinary men ! 

Rack. I'm all in a tremble — this misletoe is 
so very awful ! — It does put such thoughts into 
one's head, especially when one's on the very 
eve of an elopement — innocence preserve me ! 
I dare notjook at Mr. Tupman — Oh ! Lothario 
— Lothario ! — {aside.) 

Isa. My poor swain, Mr. Winkle, looks as if 
he was going sporting without a certificate — he 
seems to be afraid of trespassing — I must give 
him a little encouragement — or we shall have no 
sport at all. Harkye, girls! — (to Emily, Sfc.) 
Mr. Pickwick — (whispers.) 

Em. (aside to Isabella.) But how are we to 
get him under the misletoe % 

Isa. I'll drop my handkerchief — you know his 
gallantry ? — (Isabella walks under the misletoe 
and drops her handkerchief.) 

Pick. You've dropp'cl something Miss Bella 
— permit me, — (advancing wider misletoe, Isa- 
bella, Emily, and 31aids suddenly surround 
him, and begin kissing him under the misletoe^ 
one after the other, he struggles — all laugh.) 

War. The baggages ! fairly caught by Jove 6 
Pickwick. — 

S?iod, Orpheus with the Thracian maids. — 



SAM WELLER. 43 

Tup. Titillating situation ! — I hope they won't 
serve me so ! nature could not support it ! 

Win. (aside) Never saw Buck -hunting before. 

Sam. I shouldn't mind being sarved that vav, 
every day in the veek, Sunday's iucluded ! as 
the sick man said vhen he took the treacle 
posset. 

Rack. That is not fair, my dear neices ; no 
person should be kiss'd by more than six at once. 

War. Very well 5 sister Rachel ! but come — 
come — that there may be no partiality, and that 
every one may be kiss'd in their tarn — Isabella, 
girl, start off the misletoe dance. 

Jin. (aside to Rachel) Calista, love, watch 
opportunity — follow my leader, (aside to Tup- 
man.) Tupman, look out — nothing can be 
better — capital chance — very ! — 

Rack, (aside) Excruciating agitation— -oh 
my virgin heart ! — oh, Lothario ! 

War. Now then, are you ail ready ? now 
Isabella ! — 

Sam. l'malvays ready — not at all partie'lar 
about turns — takes 'em as I can catch 'em — and 
thank'ee too, as the old ooman said to the fleas, 

Pick. Wait till I can get my breath, these 
young devils, — angels I mean, have nearly suf- 
focated me with sweets. 

War. Now, Isabella ! 

Song, Isabella. 

Air— U Oh the Misletoe Bough " 

The Misletoe Bough hangs in the hall, 
The Holly branch, shines on the old oak wall ; 
The squire's retainers are blythe and gay, 
Keeping their Christmas holiday, 



44 SAM WELLER, 

The Mystic Kiss must soon be given, 
Will raise our thoughts from earth to heaven ! 
For ah 1 that kiss, with rapture rife, 
Will soon make many a maid, a wife ! 

Oh, the Misletoe Bough ! &c. 

Win. (aside) The ladies breaking cover — 
then it's clearly the first of September. So 
hey for partridge shooting ! 

Misletoe Kissing Dance ! 

Am — li Petticoat Loose. 9 ' 

Warble and Aunt Rachel lead off, kits 
under the Misletoe, followed by Winkle and 
Isabella, — Snodgrass and Emily, — Pickwick 
and Jingle,- — 8am and the other Men, with the 
Maids, &c. During the progress of the Dance, 
Jingle slips away, followed by Rachel, and 
afterwards by Tupman. The Dance is finished 
by Sam, in the enthusiasm of the moment, 
hissing the Maids all round amidst general 
shrieks. 

Mary. Imperent feller ! 

Pick. Sam— Sam !— 

Sam* Natur, sir!— natur, sir! — as the cat 
said vhen she eat the go!d fish — if they hadn't 
kiss'd you all round, you'd ha' done jist the 
same. 

Pick, (tickled.) 'Egad, I don't know but I 
should, Sam. 

War. Very good, Mr. Weller. But, hey ! 
where's Rachel?— where's Tupman ? — 

Ism. {maliciously.) Oh, they'll be heard of 
all in good time, papa !— 

Enter Fat Boy, yawning, followed by Consta- 
bles, with Tupman, and Job Trotter, in 
female dress, covered with large mantle. 



SAM WELLER, 45 

F. Boy. I've kotch'd 'em — the lovyeis were 
jist getting over the garden wall. 

tVar. Caught, who? — 

F. Boy. The old gentleman, here, and Miss 
Rachel — you can't say I'm not awake now, 
master? — {snores and falls asleep.} 

fVar. What the devil ! Tupman and my 
sister ?— Why you hussey ! at your age, — well 
may you hide your face. Uncloak the brazen 
baggage. 

Sam. Ill do that, sir! — Now ma'am, you 
must diskiver yourself, if you please — as the 
telescope said to the Dog Star. (Pulls off 
mantle and discovers Job Trotter.) 

War. What the devil ! Mr. Jingle's servant I 
Damn that Fat Boy, — let me get at him — I'll 
murder him, the villain J— 

F. Boy. No don't — I aint no w 7 illin— let me 
go to bed — hide in the blankets — yaw — aw !— 
{Women screen I 7 at Boy — Pickwick holds 
Wardle — Job Trotter sneaks off, getting a 
hick from Mr. Weller as he goes — Tupman 
stands stupified with horror— Isabella and 
Emily look on with malicious expectation.) 

War. I wont be held — but, ulloa ! w here's 
my dear friend, Jingle % — and where the devil, 
I say again, is Rachel, the old fool % — 

Enter Landlord of the Blue Lion, Muggleton. 

Land. Bad news, Squire — but it warn't my 
fault — tried to stop 'em, but couldn't — strange 
gentleman came from your house, to the Lion— 
— got t'other strange gentleman's post-chaise, 
that he'd order'd, and rode off with Miss Rachel. 

War. Damn me if it aint Jingle ! 



46 SAM WELLER. 

F. Boy. (waking.} Now am I a willin ? — 

Tup. Treacherous faithless woman ! 

Sam. Wery bad, sir ! — carrying off your 
sveetheart. 

Tup. That's not all — he's carried off my ten 
pounds, too. But I'll be revenged — Fll pursue 
him — serve him with a copy of a writ. 

Isa. and Em. Love will have its way, papa ! 
— Young folks ! — 

War. Love, the devil! — the old tabby. Give 
orders for post horses — will no one go with me ? 

Pick. I will, for the honour of the Pickwick- 
ians| 

Sam. And I vill, 'cause it's my duty — as the 
soldier said, vhen he vent to be shot at, for six- 
pence a-day ! — 

War. Thanks ! — thanks ! — let's be off at once, 
then — I'll not sleep till I have overtaken them. 

Finale, Omnes. 

Air — <e Tramp Chorus." 

Scamp — scamp — scamp, o'er hill and plain,, 

Scour all around, 

Till he is found ; 
And we the fugitive regain ! 
Be this the cry — restore or die ! 

Scamp— scamp— scamp, &c. 

[While this is singing^ Sam equips Mr. Pick- 
wick, with Shawl, fyc. for travelling. Fat 
Boy brings Warble his gun^ and drop falls on 

Tableau^ to end the First Act, 



SAM WELLER, 47 



ACT II. 



SCENE I. 



Apartment in Mr. Pickwick's Lodgings, at 
Mrs. Bardell's, Goswell Street Road. Sam 
discovered putting the Room to lights. 

Sam. (Singing.) 

Home, home — I'm glad ve are at home, 
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home ! 

Not but vhat this is a comfortable crib, enough 
— now the Governor's in it — as the spider said 
of his veb, vhen the blue-bottle took his first 
floor. I dare say old Mother Bardell is glad 
enough he's returned. — ( continues singing.) 

For there's no Inch about the house, 

No luck by night or d?y ; 
There is no luck about the house, 

Vhen the Governor's avay ! 

Enter Pickwick; 

Pick. You are merry, Sam. 

Sam. It's only a propensity I have, sir — as 
the cricket said vhen he chirrupped— born vith 
me. 

Pick. I am not at all displeased, Sam, to 
find myself once more at home, after all our 
fatigues and anxiety — that vagabond, Jingle — 

Sam. Wery rum start, sir! his running avay 
vith the old maid. Certainly I thought it vas 
nigh a being all up vith us, vhen that ere wehi- 



48 SAM WELLEP, 

cle Ictus all down 'so coolly — he got clean out 
of sight of us then. 

Pick. True — true, Sam! I never expected we 
should have discovered them till the mischief 
was all done. 

Sam. Nor more ve shouldn't, sir — if I hadn't 
happened to have a little knowledge of the 
human understanding — I know'd, directly I seed 
vhat leather there vas in the blacking hole, at 
the Goose and Gridiron, that they vere there 
— see vhat it is to ha' bin a Boots, sir — vhat an 
insight it gives von into things. Your search 
vou'd ha' bin quite bootless vithout me. 

Pick. You're a wag, Sam. 

Sam. Yes, sir — it runs in the family — my 
eldest brother vas troubl'd vith the same com- 
plaint—it may be catching — I us'd to sleep vith 
him — that ere chap, in the green coat, bargan'd 
for the old gal jist for all the vorld as if she'd 
bin a joint o' meat — though von can't scarcely 
vonder at it, considering she's all bone. 

Pick. The mercenary rascal extorted one 
hundred and fifty pounds, before he'd resign 
the foolish infatuated woman ; but I'll expose 
the villain wherever I meet him. 

Sam. She vas certainly wery fatuated vith 
him, sir— for sich a thin un, sir ! 

Pick. You must have seen a great deal of the 
world, Sam, from the sharpness of your remarks. 

Sam. Yes— I vorn't alvays a Boots, sir — I 
vas a vagginer's boy, vonce. 

Pick. When was that, Sam % — 

Sam. Vhen I vas first pitch'd neck and crop 
into the vorld, to play at leap-frog vith its trou- 
bles. I vas a carrier's boy at startin — then a 



SAM WELLER, 49 

fagginer's — then a helper — then a feoots — now 
Fin a genl'man's servant— I shall he a genlman 
myself, von of these days— villi a pipe in my 
month, and a summer-house, in the back gar- 
den — who knows — I shouldn't be surprized, for 
vonce. 

Pick. You are quite a philosopher, Sam. 

Sain, Yes 5 sir — all my generation vere— my 
father's wery much in that line, now! If my 
mother-in-law blows him up, he vhistles — vhen 
she flies in a passion and breaks his pipe—lie 
goes out and fetches another— then she screams 
wery loud and falls into 'sterics— and he smokes 
wery comfortable till she comes too agin,— 
That's philosophy, sir, aini it? 

Pick. A very good substitute for it, at all 
events. It must have been of great service to 
you, in the course of your rambling life, Sam. 

Sam, Sarvice, sir — you may say that — arter 
I run avay from the carrier, and afore I took 
up vith the vagginer, I had unfurnished lodgings 
for a fortnight ! 

Pick. Unfurnished lodgings, Sam ? — 

Sam. Yes, the dry arches of Vaterloo Bridge 
—fine sleeping places, those, vithin ten minutes 
valkof all the public offices — only if there's any 
objection to 'em, it is that the sitevation is raythev 
too airy — I seed some quveer sights there — sights 
as ud penetrate your benewolent heart, and 
come out on the other side of it, sir ! — you don't 
see the reg'lar wagrants there — trust 'em, they 
knows better than that— only the starvin 
houseless creturs as rolls themselves up in the 
dark corners of them lonesom places— poor 
wretches ! as aint up to the twopenny rope-!— 



50 SAM WELL ER. 

Pick. Twopenny rope, Sam I — I must make 
a note of that. What's the twopenny rope % 

iSam. The twopenny rope, sir — is jist a cheap 
lodgin house, vhere the beds is twopence a night! 
— vhen the lady or gen'Iman as keeps the hotel, 
first begun bis'ness — they us'd to make the beds 
on the floor — but instead of takin twopenny 
vorth of sleep, the lodgers staid there all day — 
so now they makes the beds of slips of coarse 
sacking, fasten'd to two ropes — and ev'ry morn- 
in,at six o'clock, they cuts the ropes, and down 
they all comes, vide avake — takes up their togs 
— and toddles quvietly off. 

Pick. Very remarkable, indeed — I must com- 
municate it to the Club. But now to business 
— I have a great deal in hand — you must go to 
the George and Vulture, and summon my asso- 
ciates here, directly — then I'll instruct you fur- 
ther* 

Sam. I'll be off directly, sir — as the coach 
vheel said to the axle-tree— if I only suit my 
place, as veil as my place suits me, ve'll be like 
the tailor's scissors, ve'll only part to meet again 
— as the billy doos say ! — 1 don't know vhether 
I hi to be a footman or a groom — or a game- 
keeper — or a seedsman — I looks like a sort of 
compo of ev'ry von on 'em. Never mind — 
there's change of air — plenty to see — and little 
to do—and all this suits my complaint, uncom- 
mon — so long life to the Pickvickians, say I ! 

\_Exit Sam. 

Pick. A very honest fellow, that — but apro- 
pos — I have never told my landlady, Mrs. Bar- 
dell, that I have taken him into my service— she 
may have some objection to his being in the 



SAM WELLER, 51 

house — I must break it out to her, by degrees. 
Let me do it at once. Mrs. Bardell ! — Mrs. 
Bardell [—(ringing bell and calling.) 

Enter Mrs. Bardell. 

Mrs. jB (curtseying') Yes, sir ! Oh, if my 
lonely widowhood was but cheer' d by such a 
comforter — his income would be so very conve- 
nient, (aside.) 

Pick. Ahem ! — ahem ! — I've a question to 
ask you, my dear Mrs. Bardell. 

Mrs. B. A question ! La, sir ! What can 
he mean"? How my heart bumps (aside.) 

Pick. Do you think it's a much greater ex- 
pense to keep two people than to keep one? 

Mrs. B. Bless his dear spectacles ! why he's 
surely never going to — (aside) — La, sir! what 
an idea ! 

Pick. Well— but do you— Mrs. BardelH— 

Mrs. B. He's certainly going to pop the ques- 
tion — mercy on me ! (aside) Ahem ! — that de- 
pends a great deal upon whether the person's a 
careful and saving person — you know, sir ! — 

Pick. That's very true — but the person I have 
in my eye — {looks very hard at Mrs. Bardell) 
I think possesses these qualities, and has, more- 
over, a considerable knowledge of the world, 
and a great deal of sharpness, Mrs, Bardell, 
which may be of material use to me. 

Mrs. B. La ! Mr. Pickwick. — He certainly 
means to propose — (aside.) 

Pick. ; Tis fact, I assure you — and to tell you 
the truth — I've made up my mind ! 

Mrs. B. You don't say so, sir? — 

Pick. You'll think it very strange that I 



52 SAM WE L LER. 

never consulted you about this matter — but tell 
m@ 5 what is your opinion ? — 

Mrs. B. Unhoptl for happiness! — I certainly 
must faint, presently— it will be but proper — 
{aside) — Oh ! Mr. Pickwick, you're very kind, 
sir! 

Pick. It will save you a great deal of trouble 
wont it ? — 

Mrs. B. Angel of a man ! — Oh ! I never 
thought any thing of the trouble, sir! — though of 
course, I shall take more trouble to please you, 
than ever now ; — it is so kind of you, Mr. Pick- 
wick, to have so much consideration for my 
loneliness. 

Pick. I'm glad she doesn't make any objec- 
tion — {aside.) — That is a consideration I never 
thought about — but you're right — when lam in 
town, you'll always have somebody to sit with 
you — so you will. 

Mrs. B. I could worship his very gaiters, I'm 
sure I ought to be a very happy woman, {aside.) 

Pick. And your little boy — he too, will have 
a companion, Mrs. Bardell — a lively one, who'll 
teach him, I'll be bound, more tricks in a week, 
than he would ever learn in a year, else. 

Mrs. B. Oh, you duck ! — {Pickwick starts) 
Oh, you kind, good, playful dear ! — I can resist 
no longer \— {throws her arms round Pick- 
wick's neck) 

Pick. Bless my soul! Mrs. Bardell — my good 
woman— dear me, what a situation — pray consi- 
der, Mrs. Bardell — don't — if any body should 
come i — 

Mrs. B^ '{passionately) Oh, let them come ! 



S A M W E L L E R. 56 

— now will be a good time to faint — this will 
repay me all my Alfred's treachery, {aside.) 

Pick. Mercy on me ! I hear somebody com- 
ing up the stairs — don't — don't — there's a good 
creature, don't. — ■ 

Mrs. B. Ha ! {faints in Pickwick's arms) 

Enter Sam, followed by Snodgrass, Tupman, 
and Winkle — they all stand amazed. 

Sam. Eh ! master settling for his lodgings 
vith his landlady — I beg pardon, sir, wery 
sorry to disturb you — didn't know you vas 
engaged. 

Tup. Susceptible situation. 

Win. Wouldn't have spoilt Sport, by any 
means, if I had known. 

Snod, -What, iii the name of all created 
mysteries, means this % 

Pick. Ah, what indeed ! Sam lead this woman 
down stairs. 

Sam. Anything but carry her, sir ! — now 
ma'am. 

Mrs. B. Oh, I'm better now — I'm very 
much obliged to you — Bashful creature — he 
doesn't want his friends to know, {aside) 

Sam. Lean on my arm, ma'am, — as light as 
you can, if you please, and I'll see you down 
stairs. 

Mrs.B. Thank you, sir — thank you — I shall 
have the happiness of being a wife once more 
after all ! beloved Pickwick, {aside) Adieu, 
Love! [Exit Mrs. Barbell, led off' by Sam. 

Pick. I cannot conceive what has been the 
matter with that woman— I merely annouced 
to her my intention of keeping a man servant, 



54 SAM WELLER, 

when she fell into the singular paroxysm, 
in which you found her — very extraordinary 
thing ! 

Snap, (sarcastically} Very. 

Pick. Placed me in such an extremely awk- 
ward situation. 

Win. {pointedly) Oh very. 

Pick. I understand your insinuations, friends, 
but I can assure you they are unfounded. 

Tup. Don't deny it, it's very natural — man 
must love — -Oh, Rachel ! — heigho ! 

Re-enter Sam. 

Sam. I've got her safe down stairs, sir, 
she's had a powerful pull at her own private 
brandy bottle, and is all right now — I vas so 
wery much affected, I declare I vas obliged 
to take a dose of the same physic. 

Pick. Enough — enough, Sam! — I've sum- 
moned you here, my dear friends and colleagues, 
to attend me in an expedition to the Borough 
of Eatanswill, the popular candidate for which 
is my friend — I've promised to nominate him — 
you must accompany me — we should not do our 
duty if we miss'd being present at a scene so 
animating to every Englishman. 

Snod. We will go with you— are you not 
our leader— our illustrious leader ? 

Pick. Independent of patriotism, it will 
cheer the dark misanthropy and disgust of life, 
which you, my dear Tupman, express'd over the 
buttock of beef, at the Leather Bottle, yesterday 
afternoon, for the loss of the perfidious Rachel 
— you too, my clear coadjutors — Snodgrass and 
Winkle will meet the girls of your hearts — 



SAM WELLE R. 55 

Wardle is a freeholder, he'll attend to give his 
vote, and no doubt he will treat his daughters 
with a view of the proceedings. 

Snod. Oh my adorable Emily ! we'll ail of 
us go — let us set out this very moment. 

Pick. Well said — Sam, "step down to the 
Belle Sauvage, and secure four places for 
Eatanswill. 

Sam. Go directly, sir! — This is quvite in uni- 
son — as the oyster said to the rump steak — my 
father drives the Dorking Coach, as goes 
through the wery place. 

Pick. Your father ! 

Sam. Yes, sir ! of the Markiss of Granby — 
but I'll tell you how it come about. My father, 
sir, vas a coachman— a vidover he vas — and fat 
enough for anything— uncommon fat to be sure 
—his Missus dies, and leaves him four hundred 
pound — -down he goes to Doctor's Commons, 
to see the Lawyer, and draw the blunt ; wery 
smart— top boots on — nosegay in his button-hole 
— broad-brim'd tile — green shawl — quvite the 
gen'lman. Touter gets hold on him, and axes 
him if he vants a licence. Dash my vestkit, says 
my father,! newer thought of that — but aint I too 
fat. Not a bit of it, sir — says the Touter, ve 
married a gen'lman twice your size last veek, — 
you're but a babby to him. — Veil, avay he fol- 
lows the Touter, like a tame monkey, arter a 
organ. — Vhat's the lady's name, says the Law- 
yer. — Blest if I knows, says my father, put 
down Mrs. Clarke — Susan Clarke, Markiss of 
Granby, Dorking — she'll have me, I knows, if I 
axes her. Veil, the licence vas^ made out — and 
she did have him — and vat's more — she's got 



56 S A M W ELLER, 

him now — and I ha'nt never had any of the four 
hundred pounds — beg pardon, sir! but vhen I 
gets on this ere griewance, I n:ns on like a new 
greas'd vheel-barrow — I'll go and book the 
places, directly. [Exit Sam. 

Pick. Ha! Ha! Now then, for Britons' 
Birthright — our Country— our Charter — Eatans- 
will and Freedom ! Onwards Pickwickians — - 
'tis Liberty invites you ! 

Quartette, Omnes. 

Air— " Hurrah ! for the Road:' 

Hurrah ! hurrah ! for Eatan swill, 

Hurrah ! for the cause of Reform ; 
And the voters who be honest will, 

And brave corruption's storm. 
Then let us for Freedom, mount our steeds, 

And lighten taxation's load ; 
For Eatanswill to Liberty leads, 

Then hurrah ! hurrah ! for the road ! 

. [Exeunt Omnes. 



SCENE II. 

Hustings and Polling Booths , at Eatanswill, 
Fizkin's division P. S. ornamented with 
Orange Ribbons — Buff Flags, with Inscrip- 
tions, " Fizhin for Ever" — " Church and 
State," 8fc. Slumkey's Division, O. P. or- 
namented with Blue Ribbons, and Flags, 
inscribed '* Slumkey for Ever" — '' Liberty 
of the Press," fyc. Place in Centre for 
Mayor — Drunken Liberal, Match Seller, 
Balllad Singer^ and YoTEm—B^e arid 



SAMWELLER. 57 

Buff Voters, with their Colours, discovered 
— Shouting and Huzzaing— some crying 
" Slumkey for Ever" — others '"Fizkin for 
Ever"— Ci No Slumkey'—" No Fizkin" 8fc. 

D. Lib. I'm for uniwersal suffering — Slum- 
key for ever — Fizkin for ever — Blue tor ever — 
Buff for ever — Every body for ever ! 

B. Sin. That's jist my politics — I'm all for 
Armony — triangular Parleyments — and Wote 
by Ballad — though I does sing songs agin the 
hopposition. 

M. Sel. Veil, so long as our Member does but 
bring in a bill to put down them ere Lucifers, as 
has bin the ruin of matches, vhy I don't care. 

Voters, (^tumultuous ly and severally) u Slum- 
key for ever." " Fizkin for ever." — 8 * No Slum- 
key/' &c. 

Enter Job Trotter, with Buff Favors. 

Trot. Patriotic rogues — but what are you 
wasting your time, waiting here, for % don't you 
know that the election wont begin this half 
hour — and that the generous Fizkin, our noble 
Buff Candidate, has just opened all the public 
houses, free, gratis, and for nothing*? — 

Omnes. Hurrah ! All the public houses 
opened — this way — this way — Fizkin for ever ! 
[Ecveunt Drunken Liberal, Ballad Singer, 
Match Seller, Voters, fyc tumultuously . 

Trot. Oh ! the depravity of mankind, — as 
that worthy shepherd, Stiggins, piously re- 
marks, — A public house is the devil's own mouse- 
trap — Gin is his toasted cheese — and human 
mortals his warmints — and he no sooner sets his 

i 



58 SAM WELLE R. 

bait than he catches the rats like winking — 
there certainly never was such a clever rogue as 
that Jingle — he ought to play Iago — Stukely — 
Joseph Surface, and all the first-rate melo-dra- 
matic villains, by patent. One hundred and fifty 
pounds ! for not keeping an old;harridan, that any 
one else, would have given a hundred and fifty 
pounds to have got rid of — he has set up gentle- 
man with the plunder — Captain Fitztory ! — has 
turned Conservative — advocates Aristocratic prin- 
ciples — and has managed to become head Com- 
mittee-man to Horatio Fizkin, Esq., of Fizkin 
Lodge, the high state candidate. Eh ! talk of 
the devil and he'll appear, they say. 

Enter Jingle, decorated with large Orange 

favors* 

Well, Jingle, how do you get on ? 

Jin. Capital — very ! — opened public houses — 
Goat in Boots — Cat in Pattens — Hog in Armour — 
only left Slumkey, Beer shops ! — famous move that 
— very ! — not all though — last night, got up tea- 
party — voters' wives, forty-five — served up green 
parasols, seven and sixpence each — one a piece 
— parting present — great effect — got votes — all 
their husbands— half their brothers — beats flannel 
—ribbons— stockings ! — wet or dry — can't go out 
— High Street — green parasols — half a dozen — 
politic — warn't it — very ! — 

Trot. It was, indeed ! — but what do you in- 
tend next 1 

Jin, Red Book — Pension List — Sinecure! — 
Government — valuable services — Home Depart- 



SAM WELLBR, 59 

ment — Privy Council — who knows — pleasant — 
'ent it '?— -very ! — right too — very ! — 

Trot. Why, I dare say you'll have clone as 
much to deserve a pension, as most of the peo- 
ple that have one. 

Jin. Sharp remark — very ! — can't applaud — 
Havn't time™ Fizkin waiting — Rose and Crown 
— going for him — nominee— famous speech— 
short-hand writers-— sadly puzzled — can't re- 
member — great advantage — follow me— Master 
Fizkin, damn'd| good fellow— purse immense- 
large as fish-net — must be lightened — proper- 
needful — 'ent it— very— very ! 

Trots Oh, very proper — -111 be off with yon, 
directly — capital gag, our calling Slumkey's 
party, Destructives— volunteering to preserve the 
people's property — gad if it once comes into our 
hands, we'll take care of it,, with a witness to it — - 
this way — this way — Captain — 

Jin. Fitztory ! — travelling name — just the 
thing< — imposing— 'ent it — very— very — very !— 
{Exeunt Jingle and Trotter. 

J&nter Wardle, Isabella, and Emily* 

War. Come along, girls — ^come along — rare 
bustling scene, 'faith ! — never saw so great a party 
spirit, in so small a place, in my life— Buff and 
Blue— -they'll buffet one another, till they're black 
and blue, before they're done, or Fra very much 
mistaken— one half of them will really be in 
buff, and the other half, look very blue indeed. 
Well, I shall vote for the liberal party. 

Isa. You know I'm for freedom ot speech, pa. 
Right of election! — purity of choice ! — choosing 



60 SAM WELLE K. 

one's own representative ! — and every tiling of 
that kind ! 

War. You're a Radical, you madcap, you are. 
What are your principles, Emily ? 

Em. I would be more exclusive, sir ! — as Mr. 
Snodgrass says — the institutions of our fore- 
fathers should be preserved inviolate — I dis- 
claim innovation, ana wouid have no changes in 
the state — every thing should remain just as it is ! 

Isa. Mercy on me, Emily ! I'd change my state 
direetly, if 1 could— I don't want to remain as I 
am, by any means — nor does Mr. Winkle — or 
I'm very much mistaken — True Blue for ever ! — - 

Em. Orange — the peerless Orange,, for me ! — ? 

Duet, Isabella and Emily, 

Air — "Hurrah ! for the Red and the Blue." 

Hurrah ! for the Buff and the Blue, 

May they both to their Monarch prove true, 

Be staunch to the cause, 

Of our Charter and Laws, 

And while raising the glories, 

Of Whigs and of Tories, 
Still keep England's welfare in view ! 

War. Well said — never quarrel about politics^ 
girls ! — Hey ! here's two of our friends coming. 

Isa. Mr. Winkle— then I may promise my- 
self some sport. 

Em. Augustus— the high, imaginative Snod- 
grass- — oh ! what transport ! 

Enter Winkle and Snodgrass, the former with 
Blue— the latter with Orange favors. 

Isa. Welcome, gentlemen — welcome, Mr. Win- 
kle — you must join as, for I see by your colors, 
you're of our party — Mr. Snodgrass must go over 
to Emily — they're not of our side the house !— « 






SAM WELLER. 61 

Snod. Willingly — willingly — for though in the 
opposition, I trust I shall not be out of place. 
f Winkle joins Isabella, and Snodgrass, Emily. 

War. Good — good ! — but where the devil is 
Pickwick ? 

Win. Heading the Honourable Mr. Shim- 
key's Committee, my dear sir ! — but here comes 
his squire, Mr. Weller — now we shall know all 
the news. 

Enter Sam, ornamented with large Blue favors. 

War. Your servant, Mr, Weller — how are you 
getting on % all alive, eh ! 

Sam. Yes, sir, and kicking ! quite a reg 5 lar 
game !— there's a whole mob o' woters round the 
Town Arms, bawling like mad, already. 

War. Do they seem devoted to the popular 
candidate % 

Sam. Never seed sich dewotion in my life, 
sir ! — I never seed men eat and drink so much 
afore — I vonder they aint afeard of burstin. 

War. Fine, fresh hearty fellows, no doubt ! — 

Sam. Wery fresh sir, — me and the two vaiters 
has jist been pumping on all of 'em ! 

War. Pumping on them ! — 

Sam. Yes, sir ! — they supp'd there last night, 
and every man slept vhere he fell down — so ve 
draggd 'em out von by von, and put 'em under 
the pump— and they're all in reg'lar fine wotin 
<>rder, now.— 

War. Is it possible ? — 

Sam. Lord, sir ! — that's nothing] — the night 
afore the last day of the last election, here — I've 
heard, the hopposition party bribed the bar maid 
pf the Peacock, to hocus the brandy and vater, of 



62 SAM WELLE R. 

fourteen of the unpoll'd electors, as vas stoppin 
in the house. 

War. Hocussing brandy and water ! 

Sam. Yes, sir — puttin laud'num in it — blest if 
she didn't send 'era all to sleep, till twelve hours 
arter the election vas over. — 

War. Strange practices these, Mr. Weller ! 

Sam. Not half so strange as a mirack'lous cir- 
cumstance, as happen'd to my own father, at an 
election time, in this ere wery place, Mr. Vaddle. 

War. What was that, Mr. Weller ? 

Sam. Vy> he drives a coach through here, sir ! 
Vell 3 election time comes on — and he vas engag'd 
by von party to bring down woters from Lunnon 
— night afore he vas going to drive up — com- 
mittee on 'tother side, sends for him — veil he 
vent, and wery ciwil they vas to him, to be sure 
— vine, and all that— at last, arter a bushel o' 
gammon 3 they slips a twventy pound note into 
his hand — and says, " It's a wery bad road 'tvixt 
here and Lunnon, aint it ?" " Wery," says father 
i — u 'specially near the canal/' M Veil, Mr. Vel- 
ler," says the gen'lman— c '"you're a wery good 
vhip, and ve're all wery fond on you — and if you 
shou'd hav' a haccident, and tip these ere woters 
over into the canal, vithout hurtin on 'em, that 
pre twventy pounds is for yourself."— " You're 
wery kind," says my father. 5 '— So he goes— and 
y hat's wery remarkable — the wery next day— 
on the wery spot, they'd mention'd— blow'd if he 
clidn't spill 'em all into the wery 'dentical vater 
—and von old geq'lman newer vas found agin — 
I only mention this, as a hextraordinary vonder- 
ful coincidence — as the two brothers said, vhen 
(hey vas going to be hang'd toghther. — (hur? 



SAM WELLER. pT 63 

raing heard without) — But look out, sir! 
look out — here comes our party — here comes the 
gowernor. — "Slumkey for ever/ {Mob outside, 
hurrah !) 

Enter, in Procession, Mr. Pickwick, the Honour- 
able Mr. Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, Mr. 
Tupman, Drunken Liberal, and Slumkey's 
party, Male and Female, with favors, fyc. 

Chorus, Sam and Slumkey's Party. 

I Air — " Hurrah ! for the Bonmts of Blue /" 

Here's a health to the Friends of Reform, 

Electors who're honest and true ; 
And may those who will not vote for Eatanswill's good, 
Like our colors, be made to look blue ! 
Tis good to be Liberal Whigs, 

Tis good to be honest and true ; 
'Tis good to support noble Slumkey's cause, 
And vote for the Triumph of Blue ! 

Hurrah, &c. 

(Pickwick and Slumkey, ascend Hustings.) 

Enter, in Procession, the other side, Horatio 
Fizkin, Esquire, Mayor, Cryer, Jingle, 
Trotter, and their Party. 

Chorus, Trotter and Fizkin's Party. 

Air — "March, March, Ettrick and Teviotdale," 

March — march, Destructives and Radicals, ' 

Break their heads lads, you who're friends to good order • 
March — march, Democrats Jacobins, 

Make their Blue Colors yield to the Recorder ! 
Many a Freeholder, 
Many a be-holder, 
We have address'd, with the old Tory story ; 
Shout, and in Eatanswill, 
You shall all have your fill, 
Let the Blue Party be thrown in disorder ! 

March-— march, &c. 



G4 SA M W E LLER. 

(Mayor and Cryer take centre place — Fizkin 
and Jingle ascend Hustings, P.S. — Job Trot- 
ter and Sam head their respective parties, on 
each side, who shout vigorously, pushing each 
other about, " Slumkey for ever," •' Fizkin 
for ever,' " No Slumkey" iC No Fizkin" Sfc. 
fyc. Cryer rings bell.) 

May. Silence ! — Order ! — Hear — hear ! 

D. Lib. Success to the Mayor — and may he 
never forgit the nail and saucepan business, as 
he got his money by — that's my sentiments* 

Cry. {ringing hell.) Silence ! — 

May. Gentlemen ! — 

M. Sel. Veil, ve hears you — go on. — 

May. Worthy and Independent Electors of 
Eatanswill — we are met here, to day, to choose 
a fit and proper representative, to represent 
this ancient and loyal Borough ! — 

Sam. Trot., and their two parties, (tnmul- 
tuously.) "Slumkey for ever," " Fizkin for 
ever/' &c. &c. 

Cry. (ringing bell.) Silence! — Silence! — 

B. Sin. Does your mother know you're out, 
old feller ?— 

M. Sel. {throwing dead cat at Cryer.) 
There's a plumper, for you ! 

May. Order! — Order!— or I'll commit the 
whole of you ! — 

B. Sin. I thinks you said commit ! — 

Pick, (on Hustings.) Gentlemen ! 

Sam. Hear! — Hear! — Hear! — silence for the 
gowernor* 

Pick. Gentlemen — allow me to propose, as 
your representative, the Honourable Simon 
Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall ! 



SAM WELLER. 65 

Sam* and Blues. Hurrah ! — " Slumkey for 
ever!"— 

Jin. (also on Hastings) Allow ine gentle- 
men ! — 

Trot. Hurrah ! Silence for Captain Fitztory. 

Pick. Captain Fitztory !— Why, hang me if 
it isn't that scoundrel, Jingle, disguised in a 
new coat ; here's some villainy going on — I 
must keep an eye on him ! — (aside.) 

Jin. Gentlemen ! — Electors ! — Eatanswill — 
propose — Friend — Horatio Fizkin, Esq. — Fiz- 
kin Lodge— Representative — Loyal Borough — 
Fit and proper — very ! — 

Sam. Over the left ! — 

Trot, and Party. Hurrah! — " Fizkin for 
ever !" 

Sam. and Party. "No Fizkin !"—" Slum- 
key for ever !" 

Cry. (ringing bell.) Silence ! — Silence ! — 

May. Show of hands — Honourable Slumkey, 

Sam. I'll hold up both hands. (Sam and 
Blues hold up hands for Slumkey.) 

May. Horatio Fizkin, Esq. 

Sam. And a rum von to look at, he is ! — 

Tret. Hurrah ! now boys. (Buffs hold up 
hands for Fizkin.) 

May. Show of hands in favour of Slumkey. 

Sam and Party. Hurrah! Slumkey for ever. 

Jin. Quite a mistake — demand poll — show 
favour — not hands — all Fiskinites ! — Mayor 
partial — stupid — clear case — very — very ! 

May. Gentlemen, the poll is opened. 

Sam. How can that be, ven nobody's head 
aint broke, and ve aint any split wotes. (Electors 
commence polling — Mayor, Cryer, fyc. taking 

- K 



60 SAM WELLER, 

votes — Wardle votes ; — Drunken Liberal votes 
on both sides.) 

Pick. Friends — as a fellow-countryman — 

M. Set. How can you be a countryman, vhen 
you're a Lunnoner'? — 

Sam. Hear ! — Hear ! — for Mr. Pickvick. 

JS. Sin* Aye — hear Mr. Pienic. 

Pick. If you'd have meat for asking for — 
bread for nothing — and beer for less,— vote for 
Slumkey ! 

Sam. and Blues. Hurrah !— *' Slumkey for 
ever ! 

Jin 9 All humbug — Radicals ! Destructives ! — 
vote for Fizkin — Noble Fellow ! — Glorious 
Constitution! — Magna Charter I — Bill of Rights! 
—Trial by Jury ! — Wooden Walls ! — English- 
man's Birthright ! — Make no Pledges ! — 

Sam. No ! — no ! — they're all up the spout. 

Jin. Fizkin ! — Britain's boast — take care of 
all your property ! — 

Sam. Don't you vish you may get it ? — 

Trot. Order! — Order! — Hear Captain Fitz- 
tory ! — 

Jin. Vote for Fizkin— lots of Mock Turtle — 
Champagne, by pailsful — give 'em you for no- 
thing, and pay you for taking them away. — 

Trot, and Buffs. Hurrah ! — Fizkin for ever ! 

Sam. {twigs Jingle bribing Voters.) Ulloa ! 
there's that ere chap being guilty of corruption 
— bribery ! — bribery ! — 

Pick. The scoundrel !— I object to those 
votes being received — Mr. Fizkin is deceived — 
that fellow's an impostor. 

Sam. Yes, place . "em all to our side — they 
belong to oui side. — 



SAM WELLER. 6T 

Cry. (ringing bell.) Silence !— Silence ! — 
Silence ! — 

May. Gentlemen, the poll is closed — the 
numbers are — Slumkey Ninety-eight ! 

Sam. and Blues, Hurrah! — "Slumkey for 
ever !" 

May. Fizkin, Forty-five ! — majority for 
Slumkey, Fifty-three! — The Honourable Si- 
mon Slumkey is, therefore, duly elected. 

Sam. Hurrah !— Chair him !— Cheer him ! — 
Chair him I — - 

War. (to Isabella, Sfc.) Let us get out of the 
way, while we can, \Eoeeunt Wardle, 

Isabella, Emily, Snodgrass, and Winkle. 

(Fizkin and Party sneak down to Fronts to 
the Air of " Oh % dear, what can the matter 
hey — amidst groans of Sam, Sfc. and Exeunt* 
Chair is brought on, Slumkey^ Pickwick, Mayor \ 
Tupman, and Party, come down, to the Air 
^ See the Conquering Hero comes." Sam 9 
shouting and capering about, runs against Trot- 
ter — a concussion takes place — which leads to 
general combat, between Blues and Buffs, in 
which Mr. Pickwick and Slumkey get upset 
- — and scene closes on general confusion. 



SCENE III. 

Hall leading to Bar and Coffee Room of the 
Town Arms Inn. 

Enter Fat Boy, carrying a large Goose. 

F* Boy. (yawning.*) Master might have 



68 SAM WELDER. 

waited till I wak'd— but I suppose he didiv t 
know where I was— Postillion let me ride one 
of the horses, and when they chang'd them, I 
was asleep, arid didn't know any thing about it, 
till I was thrown into the hay-loft— half-an- 
hour after I'd' been in the stable! horse got tir'd 
of my making a feather-bed of his back, I sup- 
pose, (yawns.) Well, I shan't go to the election 
now, 'cause it's all over— I shall wait for him, 
here— I can take a nap till he comes. (Fat Boy 
retires one side^ makes a pillow of Goose^ and 
sleeps,) 

Enter Wardle, Isabella arid Winkle, 
Emily and Snodgrass. 

War. Thank Heaven ! we've got through 
the bustle— ah ! it's lucky Joe wasn't with us— 
he'd have been asleep as usual, and might have 
been favoured with a nightcap, in the shape of 
an oaken cudgel— that might have prevented 
his ever waking again. 

Isa. I told you, sir ! the people would win— 
another victory in the cause of the population ! 

War. You girls are devilish anxious to up- 
hold the population, methinks S 

Em. We shall demand a scrutiny. 

Snod. Yes, ",never let the noble mind despair, 
—though nursed in ills, and exercised in care P 
—as the immortal Bard says. 

Win. Our dear friend, Pickwick, is, no 
doubt, enjoying the triumphant reward of his 
disinterested Patriotism ! — Eh ! what the deuce 
is this f 

Enter Pickwick and Tupman/ covered with 



SAM WELL ER. 69 

fnud and dust— and Sam, with a black eye, 
and his nose damaged. 

Pick. Confound the villains— Exclusives do 
they call themselves— I wish they'd been a little 
more exclusive, with their kicks and cuffs — a 
queer way of Polling, their's— Cracked heads 
have been as plenty as blackberries.— But, how- 
ever, we're not so bad off as the Honourable 
Slumkey— for they've soused him in the Horse- 
pond. 

Sam. Rayther a rough scramble, sir, cer- 
tainly—but I paid a few on 'em— and gave the 
t'others a receipt— I'll jist rub you down a bit, 
vith this ere jack towel, vhat I borrow'd from 
the cook— and then go and see if I can't cork 
up my claret, here, a little. (^Sam rubs down 
Pickwick and Tupman.} 

War. Are these the lofty principles of your 
high-minded, elevated party, Emily ?— knock- 
ing every body down. 

Pick. What, my dear friend Wardle, Emily 
and Isabella, too!— I rejoice to meet you — don't 
stare— Tupman and I have only been rolled in 
the kennel, for the good of the country. 

Waf . One half our patriots should be served 
in the same way. 

Tup. I havii't a whole bone left in my body 
—if this is your march of intellect- — to be run 
pver, and trod down by every blackguard in the 
country— I've done. 

Sam. (Jinishing rubbing them down?) There ? 
pir !— -there you are.— Now I'll go and perform 
^toilet. {Exit Sam. 

War. Well— well — well ! — I rejoice that yoiir 



70 SAM WELLE R. 

man has come in, however. He is a Liberal 
— and while we return such Members as he is, 
the cause of Liberty and Old England must 
flourish ! 

Re-enter Sam, with Card. 

Sam. (to Pickwick.} Card for you, sir! — 
gen'lman a vaiting ! — 

Pick. Eh! a card for me! — (reads.} — -"Mrs. 
Leo Hunter, the Den, Eatanswill." I thought 
you said a gentleman % — 

Sam. A wery good imitation of von, if it aint, 
sir ! — He vants you partickler, — as the devil's 
private secretary said, vhen he fetched avay 
Doctor Faustus ! 

Pick. Well, in that case, I will see him, 

Sam. Wery veil, sir ! — I'll give him the inti- 
mation, This vay, sir ! — 

Enter Mr. Leo Hunter. 

L. Hun. Mr. Pickwick, I presume. — Your 
fame has reach'd the ears of Mrs. Leo Hunter, 
my wife, sir ! — I am Mr. Leo Hunter — we are 
proud to number among our acquaintances, all 
those who have rendered themselves celebrated, 
by their works and talents — more especially, 
so distinguished a person as yourself, and the 
Members of the far-famed Club, that from you 
derives its name. 

Pick. I shall be extremely happy to make the 
acquaintance of your Lady, sir. ! 

L. Hun. You shall make it, sir J — to-morrow 
morning, we give a Public Breakfast — a Fete 
Chempetre — to a great number of Public Cha- 
racters • 



SAM WELLER. T 1 

Isa. and Em. Delightful! — delightful! 

L. Hun. Permit Mrs. Leo Hunter to have 
the gratification of seeing you at the Den. 

Pick. With great pleasure. 

jL. Han. You have a gentleman in your 
train, who has produced some beautiful little 
Poems, I think, sir I 

Em. {eagerly.) Oh, yes, sir! — Mr. Snod- 
grass — no one but must have heard of his abili- 
ties ! — 

Snod. Praise from Beauty's lips, is the Bard's 
sweetest nurture. 

L. Hun. And another whose sporting abili- 
ties, Nimrod has delighted to record — one 
celebrated for a thousand steeple chases. 

Isa. And not a few wild-goose chases, I be- 
lieve, {aside.) He stands before you, sir !— 

Win. {aside) Is she sporting with me, or 
not^?— 

L. Hun. You must all come. — My lady isa 
Huntek, you know — Mrs. Leo Hunter! — He! — 
He ! — Writes Poetry too — every body must 
have heard of her "Ode to an expiring Frog!" — 
sweet composition — but she will recite it to- 
morrow — in the character of Minerva ! 

Pick. Minerva ! — 

L.Hun. Yes, sir ! — I forgot to mention, it 
is a Fancy Dress Dejeune — Jacob Nathan, in 
the High Street, has thousands of fancy dresses 
— here are tickets for all your friends. 

Tup. I shall go as Massaroni, the Bandit — 
and make prey on all mankind — it will suit with 
my despairing condition. 

Pick* As a Bandit — you don't mean to say, 
that you design to dress yourself in a green 



T2 SAM WELLER. 

velvet jafckat, with a two-inch tail — nonsence— 
you're too old, and too fat. 

Tup. (angrily.) Mr. Pickwick ! 

Isa. and Em. Oh ! delightful '.—charming !— 
It will be the very thing !— you must consent- 
Mr. Pickwick, 

Pick. But, a jacket with a two-inch tail. — 
However, let it be so. 

Snod. I shall go as Apollo — striking my lyre 
— in blue satin trunks and a cloak, with white 
silk tights. 

Win. I shall go as Actaeon— with a large pair 
of deer horns, to mark my character. 

Isa. Dear me !— Methinks that's being some- 
what premature, (aside.) 

Sam. And I shall go as Old Nick — and play 
the devil vith them all. (aside.) 

Pick. You may all go as you like — but rio 
Fancy Dress for me. I fancy no dress but my 
own. 

L. Hun. My dear sir ! we will make an ex- 
ception in your favor. — Mrs. Leo Hunter will be 
delighted to see you in any way — and, per- 
haps, it will be most gratifying to her, and her 
guests, to behold so great a man as you are, in 
his natural state. But I am trespassing on your 
valuable time— farewell, my dear sir, — farewell! 
Mrs. Leo Hunter, will confidently expect and rely 
on the presence of yourself and your distin- 
guished friends, to-rnorrow morning. {Exit 
Mr. Leo Hunter. 

Pick. We must not lose so favorable an op- 
portunity of noting down character — and meet- 
ing adventure, as this promises to afford us. 
War. Well, Well — I'll e'en go with you, 



SAM WELLE R. 73 

though I can't say I much relish appearing as a 
man without a character ! for once, I'll sport a 
Domino. But come, I feel like drinking — Jet's 
go in and toss off a glass of Black Strap, to the 
successful candidate, in the good old cause. — - 
Where the devil can Joe be"? — (Joe snores) — 
Ulloa ! Damn that boy, if he isn't here, and 
asleep again. But. Eh! what's this I see'? 
sleeping on the goose! Oh ! you villain-— but 
he's not the only one that has slept on goose— if 
it had been a saddle of mutton, it would have 
been just the same — he'd have made a pillow of 
it — and thought he was sleeping on flock. But, 
come, friends !— come, girls ! 

Isa. We will follow you, directly, papa !—* 
You must excuse us, a moment ; Emily and I 
have got a few arrangements to make, 

War. Very well, girls ! — don't be long, or we 
shall think you're plotting mischief. Now, 
Pickwick, old boy ! this way ! — [Exeunt 

Wardle, Pickwick, Tupman, Snodgrass, and 
Winkle ; followed by Sam and Fat Boy. 

Isa. I have staid behind, my dear Emily, to 
communicate to you, a project, for which this 
Fancy Dress Breakfast, affords us a favourable 
opportunity. I know your predilection for con- 
sulting Fortune Tellers, though they've never 
told you true. Now, as we are, neither of us 
quite certain of our swains — mine's going as 
Actceon, you see, in search of some Diana — and 
no doubt means to rifle all the game he starts, 
though he must handle his piece, better than 
he did with the Rooks. Mr. Snodgrass is to go 
as Apollo, it appears, and you know what sort 
of a gentleman he was— he won't always harp 
on one theme, depend on't ; suppose, therefore, 

h 



74 SAM WELLER, 

we turn the tables, and instead of discovering 
our lovers, by having our fortunes told — tell our 
lovers their fortunes, and so learn ours that way. 

Em. What a madcap you are — but any thing 
to satisfy myself that my Augustus truly loves 
me ! — Oh ! Snodgrass — if he would but say as 
much to me in plain prose, as he has in poetry, 
I should desire no more. Agreed — agreed! — 

Isa. You shall go to this Fete phampetre 
— where our Lions are to be shown, as Marga- 
ret Finch, the Queen of the Gipsies, you know 
— I 5 as a simple country girl, a sure bait for a 
sportsman — we can procure tickets, unknown 
to them, and thus fairly entrap them, 

Em. Have it all yonr own way — but my life 
on Snodgrass' truth. Ah ! Bella — I wish I had 
your spirits — always bouyant — always gay. 

Isa. And why shouldn't I be so"? — " Toujours 
gai," is my motto — and through life will I stick 
to it 

Song, Isabella. 

K ' Am — Ki Toujours Gai" ) 

Always gay — always gay ! 
If we would be always gay, 
Sport at ease, and eheerful play, 

And on Sorrow trample ! 
We must not let anger stay, 
But chase moody care away, 
'Twill make every month, a May ! 

Tis natures own example ! 

We'll not nourish discontent, 
Nor, as many do, resent 
Injuries, that ne'er were meant, 

Poisoning life's leisure ; 
We'll not grumble, pine, nor fret ; 
All that's sadd'ning, we'll forget ! 
Part as blythe as first we met, — 

Votaries of pleasure ! 

\Eoceunt Isabella and Emily; 



SAM WELLE R. 75 

Re-enter Sam. 

Sam. I can't get out of my canister, that ere 
chap, as run avay vith the old maid, being 
transmogrified into a captain, and taking the 
side of sich a hole-and-corner candidate as that 
Fizkin — he's got summat wiilainous on foot — or 
he voudn't be mix'd up vith that ere party — I vish 
I could get hold on that mulberry man of his'n 
— I'd pump it all out of him, vith a high-draw-lic 
pressure, in no time. Veil, the devil certainly 
does take care of his own children — for blow me 
if he isn't here, in the wery nick — I'll pretend 
not to see him, {aside.) 

Enter Job Trotter. 

Trot, {aside) There he is — -now to bamboozle 
him— and send old Pickwick a wool-gathering, 
for thwarting Jingle, at the election ; and pre- 
vent his interfering with him again — morality 
shall be my cue — must keep up my character of 
Dismal Jemmy ! — never fails— got my handker- 
chief — and "Collection, No. 4," — all ready.— 
{pulls out booh and appears absorbed in reading,) 

Sam. He doesn't see me — seems close wrapp'd 
up in his own invard meditations — they must be as 
good as a flannel veskit to him — veil, if he don't 
apeak, I must, {aside.) Ulloa ! gowernor — how 
are you, old feller? {to Trotter.) 

Trot. Eh! oh! now for it — {aside)— Pretty 
well, I thank you— how are you ? — (gravely.) 

Sam. Vhy, I shou'd be a good deal better, if 
I vasn't quvite so much like a valking brandy 
bottle — but I've bin drinking a good deal, for 
the benefit of the nation— and hav bin oblig'd to 



76 SAM WELLE R. 

hav a ha'penny shower bath, for the good of 
myself — that is, Fve bin puttin my head in the 
horse trough, and gettin a little boy, to pump otj 
me— so now I'm become quvite cool and com-? 
fortable agin.— Now then, I'll try the pump on 
him. — {aside) — Ajnt your master's name, Cap- 
tain Fitztory ?— 

Trot, (with a deep sigh) I am sorry to say it is, 
Sam. Giv us your hand, my Patriarch — I 
quvite likes the looks on you— vhat's your 
name 1 

Trot, {casting down his eyes) Job Trotter ! 
Sam. Job! — and a wery good name it is — the 
only von I knows, that aint got a nick-name to 
it — vhat sort of a place have you got T— 

Trot, (mournfully) Bad— very bad ! — my 
master's quite a dragon — he's going to run away 
with an immense rich heiress, from a boarding 
school. 

Sam. Indeed ! — who % — 
Trot. That's not to be told to every body. 
Sam. Oh ! it's a secret, is it, old feller ? — I 
suppose your master is rich 1 

Trot. Rich ! — poor as a church mouse.— 
Sam. Oh ! that's the game, is it ?— don't you 
think, then, you're a precious rascal — to let your 
master run avay vith this young heiress %— 

Trot. I know that— and that is what preys 
upon my mind — but what can I do 1 (crying,) 

Sam. Do — dewulge to the missus, and giv up 
your master. 

Trot. Who would believe me ? — the young 
lady is reckoned the very model of innocence and 
discretion. — If I knew any respectable gentleman 
now, who would take the matter up.-— 



SAM WELLE 11. 7T 

Sam. Say no more, my pebble — here comes 
the vvery gentleman, you vants. 

Enter Pickwick. 

Captain Fitztory's sarwant, sir ! as is troubl'd 
vith some punctuation of conscience — vat are 
makin a hole in his heart — his master's agoing to 
run avay vith a young heiress, from a boardin 
school. 

Pick. Another elopement ! the scoundrel ! 

Trot. Sorry to betray my master, sir. (taking 
out pocket handkerchief, and applying it to his 
eyes.) 

Pick. Your feelings do you honour, my good 
fellow— but it is your duty, nevertheless. 

Trot. I know it is my duty, sir — but still it's 
a hard trial, to betray a master, whose clothes one 
wears, and whose bread one eats, (weeps,) 

Sam. Come — come — blow this vater-cart 
bus'ness — it von't do no good, this von't — since 
your feelins is so wery fine — it's a pity you don't 
keep 5 em in .your own busum — and not let 'em 
ewaporate in hot vater — 'specially as they does 
no good — the next time you go out to a smokin 
party, put that ere reflection in your pipe, and 
smoke it — and for the present, jist put up that 
bit o' pink gingham into your pocket — t'ant so 
handsome, that you need keep vawin it about, 
as if you vas a tight-rope dancer. 

Pick. Right — Sam — right — but, come young 
man, in a few words, — • 

Trot. Well then, Sir, though it cuts me to 
the heart — the boarding school stands a little 
way out of the town, the first house on the right 
hand — the elopement takes place to night 



i 



78 SAM WELL ER. 

this very night, at 12 o'clock ! — -you can catch 
'em in the very act — I shall be concealed in 
the house — you'll be waiting in the garden, 
alone, and at half-past eleven, I'll let you 
in, through the backdoor! and hell soon find 
himself in the cage. 

Sam* Vithout his dicky bird— -a wery capital 
plan — I'll give you a leg over the the garden 
vail, sir. 

Trot. It's not right, sir, of me, to betray my 
master, bad as he is — I know it is not. (pulls 
out his handkerchief, and pretends to weep 
again.} 

Sam. Crying agin— I never seed sich a 
feller — -blow me if I don't think he's got a 
main in his head, as is alvays turned on. 
• Pick. I don't half like the plan, but however, 
as the happiness of this young lady is at stake 
— I must e'en adopt it— I shall be sure to be 
there — take care to be waiting at the door. 

Trot. I'll take care, sir, never fear. 

Pick. You are a fine fellow, and there's a 
sovereign for you— I admire your goodness of 
heart — no thanks — remember, eleven o'clock — 
let me go and prepare, immediately — I'm burn- 
ing with impatience to expose the scoundrel. 

\Eouit Pickwick. 

Sam. Hem ! — not a bad notion, that ere 
crying — I'd cry like a rain-vater spout, in a 
shower, on sich terms as these — -how do you 
doit? 

Trot. It comes from the heart, Mr. Walker — 
but I must trot ; good evening— the cunning 
Isaac — but I have caught him for once— now to 
get up the "Agreeable Surprize" for his master. 

\_Exit Job Trotter. 



S A M WELLER. ^9 

Sam. You're a soft customer, you are— 
ve've got it all out of you, any how. — But let me 
go and get the gowernor ready, for this noctur- 
niwal expedition— as the old owl said to the 
voun«* mi, vhen he vent out a mouse-hnntio. 
J * [Exit Sam. 



SCENE IV. 

Gardens, and back of Miss Tabby's Boarding 
School — Wall on one side — Twilight. 

Enter, from house, Miss Tabby, Isabella, 
and Emily. 

Miss T. While your father and his friends, 
are refreshing themselves, previous to their 
departure, we will breathe the cool pure air in 
quiet here. — 

Isa. We could not be in your neighbourhood, 
my dear governess, and not visit the cherish'd 
scenes of our childhood — of our happiest days. 

Miss T. You must pass the night here! you 
know I have plenty of beds — it will be better 
than your sleeping at an inn — be once more 
joyous, thoughtless school girls. 

Em. Would that we could, dear governess, 
but that can never be! no charm can win us 
back, that sweet spring time of life. 

Isa. But we may live it o'er again, dear 
sister, in talking of old times. 

Miss T. You will meet many of your old 



80 SAM WELL Ell. 

companions— many fast blooming; like your- 
selves, to youths sweet May. 

Enter Lucretia Kitchener, Bliss Tabby s 

Cook. 

Lucre, (to Miss Tabby) A letter for you, 
ma'am, left by a most mysterous man 5 who 
wouldn't wait not for any answer. 

Miss T. A letter for me, cook 1 bless me, 
who can this be from ! (opens letter) mercy on 
me, anonymous. 

Lucre. A nonny mouse letter to Miss Tabby 
— how particularly shocking, I must tell all the 
young ladies, (aside.) 

Miss T. Let me peruse its contents — (reads) 
u Respected madam, as a friend to female inno- 
cence, it is my duty to inform you, that a plan 
is laid to carry off one of your young ladies to 
night ; by a notorious libertine, who will scale 
your garden wall, for that purpose ! you will, 
therefore, take such steps as you may think 
advisable, to foil his base intentions — *' Anti- 
Tarquin," I am paralised. 

Lucre. How monstratiously horrid — let me 
go and tell all the young ladies, directly, [Exit 
Lucretia. 

Em. What a romantic adventure! 

lsa> Very kind of Anti-Tarquin, I'm sure, to 
let you know, my dear governess — though, per- 
haps the young lady mayn't think so. What's 
to be done ? 

Miss T. Ah ! what, indeed, my dear girls—- 
and not a man in the house to protect us ! 

Em. Oh ! yes ! — there is my father— and my 
dear Snodgrass !— 



SAM WELLS*. 81 

Isa. And pray don't forget Mr. Winkle— the 
most renowned shot in Berkshire — and our boy, 
Joe — who fortunately has got the gentlemen's 
fire-arms with him— ready for to-morrow's 
sporting. 

Miss T. I breathe again — run, my dear girl, 
summon them, to my aid, in this terrible emer- 
gency 

Isa. I will, I will ! [Exit Isabella. 

Miss T, I wonder which of the young ladies 
it can be — -is it Miss Biggs? or perhaps, it's Miss 
Sims, she's rather forward, or more likely it's 
Miss Shufflebottom !— only let me find out who 
it is, and she shall have black marks, and 
double lessons for a month to come — she shall, 
the hussey ; disgracing Dilworth House Estab- 
lishment in this manner. 

Em, Calm yourself, dear madam, you have 
luckily made the discovery of this atrocious 
plot just in time — oh Irere comes my father and 
the interesting Augustus. 

Enter Isabella, with Wardle, Snodgrass, 
and Winkle — Fat Boy and Lucretia with 
Poker. 

War. The mousing scoundrel, but we'll 
tickle him — leave me to arrange it all— Snod- 
grass and Winkle, as Cookey here, has been 
kind enough to provide you with those two 
oaken towels — you must lie in wait amongst 
the shrubs, that you may be ready to rush out 
and secure him when he comes. 

Em. This laurel bush, dear Augustus, will 
do capitally, and nothing can be more appro- 
priate—you know it will divert the lightnings 

M 



82 SAM WELLEH. 

from your brow, and guard a life so dear to all 
the Muses. 

Snod. Life would be well resigned in woman's 
service. 

Em. Yes, but still I'd rather you'd keep 
yours for my service, for all that. 

ha. Mr. Winkle can hide himself behind this 
cluster of bachelors' buttons ; mind you don't 
run down the parsley bed, Mr. Winkle. 
• Win. Never fear. Miss— I love a little night 
sport— been out bat-shooting many a time ; no 
bad hand, I can tell you. 

Bliss T. I'm sure I don't know how I shall 
make you amends, Mr. Wardle, you are indeed 
the preserver of innocence— the guardian of 
virtue in danger. 

War. Don't mention it 5 madam, I've girls 
of my own, you know— Joe — Joe — damn that 
boy he's asleep again — you must keep watch 
behind those tulip beds — no, confound it, we 
mustn't put you near any beds, or you'll go 
to sleep directly— behind that tree will do- 
take care of that gun, don't you know it's on 
half cock ? 

Lucre. Mercy on me! a gun on half cock, 
in Dilworth House, how partik'larly shocking. 

War. Mind, neither of you go off now ; to be 
sure it's only loaded with sparrow shot, merely 
give you a slight peppering. 

F. Boy. I'll take care, master. 

Miss T. Cook, you must be prepared to rush 
out on the first alarm. 

Lucre. Oh dear ! ma'am, I darn't — I can't 
face a strange man, after what Handy Tarbin 
has said. 



5 A M W ELLE R. 



83 



Miss T. Cook, I'm surprised at your impu* 
deuce ! I insist upon it, or a month's warning- 
go and get the boarders all ready, and be pre- 
pared to rush out at their headj on the first 
alarm, to strike him with terror. 

War. Yes, if the presence of so many petti- 
coats at one time, don't frighten him, I don't 
know what will — Tupman would be just in his 
element* 

Em, Dear papa 5 you must remain in doors 
with us, to take care of us. 

Isa. I don't see the danger myselfo 

War. Aye — aye — but come, time's getting 
on, take your places, no doubt this terrible 
Giovanni will soon be here — how dark it is— ■ 
give him a warm reception, boys — don't spare 
your cudgels— we'll all rush out with lights, on 
the first alarm. 

Em. Well, it certainly is very romantic and 
interesting — my dear Snodgrass must write a 
poem on it. 

War. Now then— lie close, boys— this way* 
girls. 

Lucre. What a dreadful, awful moment — I 
declare I'm all in a twitteration — mercy on me ! 
{Snodgrass and Winkle conceal themselves be- 
hind shrubs— Fat Boy behind tree, where he 
falls asleep— Wardle, Isabella, Emily, and 
Lucretia enter House — it has now become quite 
dark — storm begins to rise. 

Win. (softly to Snodgrass) Is that the Fat 
Boy, or is it the thunder, Snoddy *? 

Snod. Don't know — this is a very poetical 
situation — but I wish we had some gin and 
water, Byron's immortal beverage ! we may 
get the rheumatism. 



8t SAMWELLER. 

IViri. Hush ! I hear footsteps — our game's 
breaking cover. 

Pick, (to Sam without, softly') Just assist 
me up, and then return to the inn, and wait for 
me till my return. 

Sam. (without, cautiously) Certainly, sir. 
Pick. Now then, lay hold of my leg, and 
when I say, " over," raise me gently. 

Sam. (without, softly) All right, sir, there 
you are. (Pickwick appears, jerk'd over wall 
into garden.) 

Sam. (without, softly) You havn't hurt 
youself, I hope, sir. 

Pick. I havn't hurt myself, but I rather 
think that you have hurt me — I've fallen into a 
flower bed. 

Sam. (without y softly) " Love among the 
roses/' sir. 

Pick. For a bed of roses, it has plenty of 
thorns ; but never mind, you be off, back to the 
inn. 

Sam. (without) Wery veil ; vish you safe 
through the business, sir, (Sam heard depart- 
ing whistling.) 

Snod. (aside) The villain's gain'd admission; 
— I must get my stick ready. 

Win. (aside) Let me exercise my arm a 
little before hand, that I may be prepared. 

Pick. I have strange misgivings — this letter 
that Fvereceived from my Jandlady, calling upon 
me to fulfil my promise of marrying her — (what 
can the foolish woman mean?) and hinting 
at an action for breacli of promise — troubles me 
— I must get off of it somehow. 

Snod. (listening) Perjured seducer! 



SAM WELL ER. 85 

Win. (aside, listening} Oh ! he's an old 
hand at it — got twenty wives, if the truth's 
known, I'll be bound. 

Pick. But it's getting rather blusterous — I 
shall catch my death, if I stay here long— let me 
give the signal at once — it must be time ! — 

Trio, Pickwick, Snodgrass, and Winkle. 

Air — "Haydn' 8 Surprize" 

Pickwick, piano. 

Let me, while the coast is clear, 

To the back door softly creep ; 
He'll the signal surely hear, 

If he is not fast asleep ! 

Snodgrass and Winkle, (aside.} 

Softly steal, tbe scoundrel seize ! s 

Pickwick. 

All's secure ! 

Snodgrass and Winkle. 

He'll find, he lies ! 

Pickwick. 

Now friend Trotter, if you please ! 

Snodgrass and Winkle* 

Yield dog ! 

Pickwick. 

Mercy on me ! 

Omnes. 

A surprize ! 

(Snodgrass and Winkle rush out> and com- 
mence thrashing PicKWiCK, crying 6 ' Villain, 
Robber, Ravisher, Seducer, fyc" Pickwick 
roars out, "Oh, Lord! Murder, Thieves" — 
and falls flat on his face, Wardle, Miss Tabby, 



CG S A M WE 1 h £ it. 

Isabella, Emily, Lucretia, (with a warming 
pan,) and Boarders, rush out with lights, fyd 
The women all set up a loud scream. Fat Boy* 
wakes — starts up — fires gun, and shoots Cookey 
in the bustle.) 

Lucre. Oh, Lord ! Ob, Lord ! that Fat Boy 
has shot me behind, here. — Pm assassinated. 

War. Damn that boy — he's asleep again. 

F. Boy. No I aint — the gun's wak'd me — I 
hope I've not spoilt yout bum-beseen, ma'am ? 

Miss T. But where is the seducer ? 

Boarders, (eagerly.) Ah ! where is he ! — 

Snod. He's yielded to the prowess of our arms, 

Win. I've brought him down. 

Miss T. Dear me ! 1 hope you havn't kill'd 
him — ring the alarm bell, Cook. 

Pick, (groaning) Don't — don't — I'm a re- 
spectable man ! — 

Miss T. How did you come in this garden ? 

Pick, (still on his face.) I am no robber — I 
want the lady of the house ! 

Lucre. Oh! the ferocious monster! wants 
Miss Tabby! 

L. Girl. He'll be wanting us, by-and-bye!— 
I suppose. 

War. Hoist the fellow up—and let's see what 
he's made of. — Come, friend, show your face- 
bring the lights this way, girls !— (Snodgrass and 
Winkle raise up Mr. Pickwick — Emily and 
Isabella hold lights.— 

War*, Isa., Em., Snod., and Win,, Mr, 
Pickwick ! ! 

Tableau of Astonishment ! 

F. Boy, What a very odd dream— (snores*) 



SAM VVELLER. 87 

SnocJ. Our illustrious leader— eloping with 
young ladies from a boarding school — "wonderful 
— wonderful ! — And again wonderful, out of all 
whooping !" — 

Win. The sly old fox— who'd have thought 
he'd been so fond of sport ? 

Isa. Ob ! Mr. Pickwick ! 

Em. Fie ! Mr. Pickwick ! 

War. Who could have supposed the solid, 
sedate, Mr. Pickwick, would have come poach- 
ing on the Manor Grounds of a Young Ladies' 
Boarding School — I should scarcely have sus- 
pected that, even from our friend, Mr. Tupman ! 

Win. I may start any game, now ! 

Pick. What a trap have I fallen into. That 
scoundrel, Mr. Trotter. You are all wrong, in- 
deed you are — I am no seducer — no ravisher — I 
didn't come to run away with any ) 7 oung lady. 

L.Girl. (asidt^) What a disappointment ! 

Pick. I came to warn the lady of the house, 
that one of her young ladies was going to elope, 
to-night! 

Miss T. The hussey ! who with ? 

Pick. Your friend, Captain Fitziory, madam ! 

Miss T. My friend ! I don't know any such 
person ! — 

Pick. Mr. Jingle, then ! 

Miss T. I never heard of the man ! 

War. J see how it is — you've been hoaxed 
friend Pickwick. I will answer for my friend, 
madam — he is incapable of doing any of you, 
any harm. 

L. Girl. Then there'll be no eloping, after all — 
we've been hoaxed— la ! how provoking ! (aside) 

War. But come, the night air's cool — let's In 



88 SAM WELLER, 

doors, and laugh at this affair, over a glass of your 

ginger wine ma'am — we've got to get ready for 

the Fancy Breakfast, in the morning, you know, 

Friends. 

F. Boy. (yawns) I hopes it wont be a Fancy 

Breakfast — 'cos I'm very hungry — -it quite keeps 

me awake. 

War. Come, this way ! — this way ! — 
Pick. Oh ! my poor bones. — I shan't get over 

it for a month — that villain. Jingle ! — 

< \Eioceunt Omnes, into house. 



S C E N E V. 

Tap Room of the Town Anns Inn. 

Enter Sam, smoaking a Pipe, with a Pot in 
his hand. 

Sam. I vonder how the gowernor has got on 
by this ere time — vith his assination — I dare say 
he's in rare clover, now — all the young ladies 
makin much on him, for presarwing their honor 
— shoudn't mind, if I vas in his sitevation. — I 
can't find that ere young Chelsea vater vorks, 
Mr. Job Trotter, any vhere ; he's given us the 
slip quvite, all in a hurry, as they says at the Old 
Bailey. The ancient, too, hasn't attended his 
appintment neither, he vas to come arter he'd 
put up his horses, and have a little bit of tattle 
over old family affairs ; — I don't like to puff my 
yard of clay in my own company, as it vere, 
Pewter don't relish half so veil, veil von aint got 



SAM WELLE II. 89 

a pal, to bite his name in it as veil as vonself— 
but stop, I am magging too fast, for here he is. 

Enter Old Weller. 

Old W. Veil, Samivel, here I am agin — got 
to the end of my stage — put up my prads, and 
come back here to have a little comfortable talk 
vith you ; it is quvite a hointment for the eyes, to 
see you — -vy I aint seed you for two years, and 
better. 

Sam. No more you have, old feller ; but 
come, you must have a bit of veed, and moisten 
your thorax out of this ere tankard — it vill 
make your throat vork all the easier — nothin like 
vaterin the roads— here, Tom Pots, — (calling} 
bring a Broseley, here. 

Enter Pot Boy, with Pipe. 

Sam. That'll do, Tommy; I'll owe you for it. 
(Exit Pot Boy.) Now then, Mr. Veller, senior, 
ve're on equal terms, so ve can fire avay ; but 
stay, first take a pull at this ere home brew'd. 

Old W. Here's tovards your good health, 
Samivel. 

Sam. Thank'ye, let me illuminate you, (Old 
Weller, lights his pipe by Sams, and begins 
smoking.} 

Sam. I quvite forgot, in our little miscella- 
neous conwersation, this morning, old codger, 
to ax you about mother-in-law ; how is she % 

Old W. Vy, I'll tell you vhat, Sammy, there 
never vas a nicer ooman, as a vidder, than that 
ere second wenture o' mine ! a sveet creeter she 
vas, Sammy, and all I can say on her now, is, 
that as she vas sich an unkimmon pleasant 

3NI 



90 SAM WELLER. 

\idder, it's a great pity she ever changed her 
condition'! she don't act as a vife, Sammy. 

Sam. Don't she, though. 

Old W. No, she's too much in the angel 
iine — she's too good a crceter for me, Sammy, 
I feel I don't desarve her. 

Sam. That's wery self-denying of you. 

Old W. Wery! she's got hold o' some new 
inwention, for grown up people being born agin, 
Sammy, the new birth, I thinks they call it — I 
should wery much like to see your mother-in-law 
bora agin — vouldn't I put her out to nurse — 
vhat d'ye think she did, t'other day J? 

Sam. Don't know — vhat 1 

Old W- Vy, blow me if she didn't go and get 
up a tea-drinking party, for a feller they calls the 
Shepherd ; to raise subscriptions ! and vhat d'ye 
think they vere for. 

Sam. Can't guess. 

Old W. To pay his vaterrate — three quvartersj 
the Shepherd hadn't paid a farden, so they cut it 
off; perhaps he didn't drink out of that ere tap, 
but more t'other. 

Sam. No doubt on't 

Old TV. This Shepherd, is von of those fellers, 
that prowides the infant negroes, in the Vest 
Inges, vith flannel veskits and moral pocket 
aucherehiefs. I vas a standing starin in at the 
picture shop, down at our place, vhen I sees a 
little bill about it — "Tickets, half-a-crown — all 
applications to be made to the committee — secre- 
tary, Mrs. Veller !" — and vhen I got home, there 
vas the committee, sittin in our back parlour ; all 
a passin resolutions, and woting supplies — vhen 
expectiu to see all sorts of games, I vas gam- 



S A M WELLIi 11. 9 1 

znoried to put my name down for a ticket, and at 
six o'clock on Friday evening, I goes vith the 
old ooman, and valks up into a first floor, vhere 
there vas tea things for thirty — presently in 
comes a fat chap, in black, vith a great vhite 
face and red nose, smiling away like clock vork, 
and cries " here's the Shepherd, cornea wishing 
his faithful flock !" and then round vent the kiss 
of peace. 

Sam. That is^to say, a kiss a piece ! I 'spose, 
veil, that vos'nt so much a miss. 

Old W. So I thought — veil, arter that, comes 
the tea ; I vish you could ha' seed the Shepherd 
valking into the ham and muffins, Sammy — then 
he began to preach, and looking wery hard at 
me, hollows out — "Vhere's the sinner — 
vhere's the miserable sinner/ 5 — vhereupon my 
blood being up, as he vouldn'tmake any apology, 
but calls me a wessel of wrath, I lends him two 
or three for himself, vith a little-un in, for his 
deputy, and valks quoietly off. 

Sam. And wery proper ; mend your draught. 

Old TV. Confound him, morning, noon, and 
night, is he drinking pine apple rum-and-vater, 
vith your mother-in-law, in the Markis o' 
Granby. Capital hand at accounts, he is — bor- 
rows eighteen pence on Monday — and come s on 
Tuesday for a shilling, to make it half-a-crown 
— calls agin on Vednesday for another half-a- 
crown, to make it five shillings, and goes on 
doubling, till he gets it up to a five pound note 
in no time. 

Sam. and you lets him (knocking the ashes 
out of his pipe) I am ashamed on you, old two 
for his heels. 



92 SAM WELLE R. 

Old TV. Vy, vhat can I do— I am a married 
man, Samivel — yes, a married man ! — and ven 
you are married, Samivel, you'll understand a 
good many things as you don't understand now ; 
but vether it's vorth vhile, going through so 
much to larn so little, is a matter of taste— I 
don't think it is, 

Sam. I can't say — for I aint tried ; but come, 
the pot's out, and so is my pipe. 

Old TV. Veil then, I'll bid you good bye, 
Samivel ; ve shall meet agin in Lunnon— Belle 
Savage tap — you must come and see us at the 
Markiss o' Granby, Samivel. 

Sam. Aye — aye! ta— < ta, old boy, till ve 
meets agin — all I've got to say, is this here ; if 
I vas the properiator of the Markiss o' Granby, 
and that ere Shepherd came looking arter my 
lamb, or mutton, vhatever you call it, I'd pison 
his rum and vater, that's all. 

Old TV. No, vould you really— vould you 
though 1 

Sam. I vould ! but I vould n't be too hard upon 
him at first— I'd jist drop him in the vater-butt, 
and put the lid on, and then if I found he vas 
insensible to kindness, I'd try t'other persvasion. 

Old TV. You're your father's own boy 5 
Samivel, and I'll contemplate the motion all the 
vay, as I goes up to Lunnon, so ta — ta ! 

\Eccit Old Weller. 

Sam. He's a good old cock, he is; though he 
shouldn't let the hen crow over him as she does. 
Veil, I'll go and git every thing ready for this 
ere Fancy breakfast — ve shall have the gowernor 
coming back soon — I shall go as Teddy O'CarrolI, 
the Donnybrook Brahain — vot I met on the 



SAM WELLER. 93 

race course, ven I vas helper to Charley Sveat- 
emvell, the trainer ; and give the gentlefolks a 
specimen of my crotchets and quavers; and by 
vay of a vind up, I shall clap my devil's horns 
and tail and pitchfork into my pocket, for I 
dare say I shan't vant an opportunity of using 
'em. [i£n7 Sam. 



SCENE VI. 

Mrs. Leo Humter's Grounds, The Den* Ea- 
tanswill, fitted up for Fete Champetre. — 
Visitors discovered \ in various Fancy Dresses, 

Song and Chorus, Omnes. 

Air — "Now by the Waving Greenwood Tree.'* 

Under the waving Greenwood tree, 
We merry, merry mortals haste ; 
Hungry and thirsty, who but we, 
The ham and tea to taste. 
Then away to the breakfast, away, away,. 

Hang those of care who think ; 
Let all be Fancy, here to day, 
Except what we eat and drink ! 

Under the waving greenwood tree, Sec. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Leo Hunter, the latter 
as Minerva. 

Mrs. L. H. Delightful— delightful ! one 
foreign lion, Count Smorltauk, who's come ex- 
pressly, from Germany, to write visiting notes on 
England — two London lions — the celebrated 
Tobacco Pipe Player, and the great Kentuckian 
Tragedian— all our country lions — two or three 



94 SAM WELLER. 

lionesses, one a lady that has been up in a bal- 
loon, and another, a Lady that has fall'n down 
in one, and then the King of all the Lions, the 
president of the Pickwickians and his associates ! 
— why we shall be the envy and admiration of 
the whole world — only want Boz to complete it 
— pity he wouldn't suffer himself to be caught. 

Mr. L. H. It was indeed, my dear Mrs. H. 
I tried hard enough. 

Mrs. L. H. You must be on the qui vive, 
Mr. Hunter; I have issued tickets for a hundred, 
but you know we have only provided breakfast 
for fifty, so while I cater for the most distin- 
guished of our guests, in the Zoology of Fashion 
and Ton 5 you must take care of the attendant 
Jackalls, in the best manner you can— but stand 
put of the way, Mr. Hunter — stand out of the 
way — here come the -Pickwickians, and their 
president! — oh the dear delightful man ! 

Enter Pickwick, arm in arm with Snodgrass 
as Apollo, in blue and white silk, and a 
Grecian helmet ; holding a lyre,— on one side, 
and Tupman as Massaroni, the Brigand, in 
Green Velvet Jacket, Sugar Loaf Hat, and 
Ribbons, and A Ipine Leggings and Rifle — on 
the other !— followed % Winkle as Actceon 
with a Boiv and Arrow, and large pair of 
Horns. 

Mrs. L. H, My dear Mr. Pickwick, for I 
know it is you, by your gaiters — this is kind, I 
rejoice to see you — you must promise not to stir 
from my side all the morning — I have got a hun- 
dred people to present you to. 

Pick. You are very kind, ma'am, allow me 



S A If W EL L E R. 95 

to introduce my associates ; — Mr. Apollo Snod- 
grass — Minerva should know Apollo, {intro- 
duces, ,) 

Mrs. L. H. A poet, delighted to make the 
acquaintance — -you must hear my " Ode to an 
expiring frog." 

Snocl. Shall be much gratified. 

Pick. This is Mr. Massaroni Tupman. {intro- 
ducing.) 

Mrs. L. H. I doat upon bandits — I shall 
enlist him to dress the lobster salad for me. 

Tup. With pleasure— this scene of enchant- 
ment, might almost make one forget even the 
perfidious Rachel — heigho ! 

Pick, {introducing Winkle) This is Mr. 
Actaeon Winkle, the celebrated sportsman, 
madam ; he would have worn a red hunting coat 
to be more in character, but he thought it made 
him look too much like a general postman. 

M?*s. L. H. He is fit to belong to the most 
noble order of the Bucks — I must know him 
better. 

Win. You are very good, ma'am — I wish that 
Jacob Nathan, had given me a little more 
hunting room in these satin tights— confound 
me if I can hardly move in them — too tight by 
a great deal, {aside.) 

Mrs, L. H. But come, friends, you must 
want some refreshments, and then I have to show 
you over the grounds — I've just had a new pile 
of old ruins erected, and a beautiful imitation 
cataract painted in water colours — I must trou- 
ble the bandit, here. to a take care of my ridicule ! 
Apollo, will you carry my sal volatile, as your 
prototype us'd to do for Daphne, formerly. 



96 SAM WELLER, 

Snod. I shall be delighted. 

Mrs. L. H. Now then, this way — this way ! 

[Exit Mrs. Leo Hunter, with 
Mr. Pickwick and Tupman, Snodgrass and 
Winkle. 

Enter Isabella and Emily — the former as 
Cicely Homespun — the latter as Margaret 
Finch, the Queen of the Gypsies. 

Isa. There they are. — We have only now to 
watch our opportunity. 

Em. Augustus cannot detect me, now I have 
stained my cheeks. 

Isa. And this flaxen wig, will effectually con- 
ceal me. Father will be too much taken up 
with the novelty of the scene, to observe us; 
and Joe will either be eating or asleep. 

Em, Hush ! away, my dear Bella— here my 
Apollo comes! — Now then, in telling his for- 
tune, to learn my own, 

Isa. I'll not interfere with you. I must go 
and hunt up my sportsman. The stars befriend 
you, Emmy ! — [Exit Isabella. 

Em. 'Tis a bold step — but Love dares all ! — 
Oh, Snodgrass ! — Snodgrass !— [Retires 

a little on one side.) 

Re-enter Snodgrass. 

Snod. I'm glad I've got out of that refresh- 
ment room — couldn't fancy it Olympus, at all. 
A very anti-poetical person, that Mrs. Hunter. 
While I was talking of the Helliconian Foun- 
tain — hang me if she didn't ask me to put some 
water in the pot — and instead of the Muses, 
wanted to stuff me with muffins. 



SAM WELLE R. 97 

Em. Now for it ! — (comes forward* and curt- 
sies.} — Noble Apollo, spare the poor gipsey a 
halfpenny — have your fortune told, Celestial 
sir ?— 

Snod. Eh ! Apollo have his fortune told — No, 
'tis too wild a fiction. But poetry delights in 
fiction. 

Em. Cross the poor gipsey's hand with a bit 
of silver- — heavenly gentleman — it is a Queen 
that asks you ! — 

Snod. A Queen ! dark ministress of fate? 
Em. Yes, Margaret Finch, Mr. Apollo. 
Snod) But I don't think I've got any money 
— neither Apollo, nor his sons ever have, I be- 
lieve. Let me feel in the pockets of my 
under waistcoat — there, Mrs. Finch — there's a 
fourpenny piece for you.— Now then, invoke 
the stars, and mind, as I've proved myself a 
goldfinch, that you don't turn out a cAa^f- finch. 
Em. La ! your Godship ! — do you think I 
could do so ? — Ha ! — by the lines in your palm, 
I perceive that you do not love true ! — 

Snod. And by the line you're getting me in, 
I can perceive that you do not tell true, brown 
Sybil. — I am as true as the great Bear, is to the 
Pole. 

Em* And he's very true— any body that's 
seen him in the Regent's Park, can tell that— 
but are you not playing one of Apollo's attri- 
butes, the lyre ! 

Snod. No, by great Jove — Oh ! Emily ! 
Emily ! there is no joy without thee ! 

Em. He loves me, and I am happy ! — (aside} 
— I did this but to try you ! — The lines of life 
run smooth, Apollo— yours will be a happy des- 

o 



93 SAM WELLE R. 

iny .She you love, will well requite your truth 
— you will have riches — honours — 

Snod. And children ! — 

Em. Oh, fie ! My art does not extend so far 
as that. 

Snod. Nay, gipsey, I must know ! 

Em. Then I must fly — his questions grow 

embarrassing (aside} good morning, son of Jove 

— Jupiter wants you. [Exit Emily, hastily.} 

Snod. Gone — confusion ! — I've not learnt half 
I wanted' — I havn't had twopennorth of predic- 
tion for my money. Mrs. Finch ! Mrs. Finch ! 
[Exit Snodgrass, after Emily. 

Enter Sam, as Teddy O' Carrol, the Donnybrooh 
Braham, a Race Course Ballad Singer. 

Sam. A pretty trick that onion-headed feller, 
Mr. Job Trotter, has play'd my gowernor — I've 
bin reg'larly done by that ere chap — I must re- 
turn him his shuttlecock somehow — it strikes 
me wery sing'lar, that he and his precious mas- 
ter vill be comin here — as they seems to admit 
all sorts of quveer cattle — and p'raps I may have 
an .opportunity of repayin 'em in Irish money, 
thirteen pence for their shilling — who knows — 
they vont have any suspicion of me, in this ere 
dress. Veil, if I aint as good as Nixon, the 
Cheshire conjurer !— Here they are ! 

Enter Jingle, as Don Giovanni, and Job 
Trotter, as Doctor CantwelL 

Jin. Ha ! ha ! ha ! — Capital trick — very !— 
wonder how old Fire-works likes it. 

Sam. (aside.) Old Fire-works — thewarmints 
— but I'll pay 'em off. 



SAM WELL EI<» 99 

Trot. And that Johnny Raw, of a servant of 
his, who wanted to make a handle of me — but 
the pump was dry — and all the water was in my 
eye. I wonder where he is now? 

Sam. (aside) Johnny Raw ! — I'm not raw, 
now. — No! — no! — I've bin done rayther too 
much — vants to know vhere I am— they'll find 
that out, soon enough. — (comes forward as 
Ballad Singer, singing.) 

Oh, dear ! vhalfcan the matter be, 
Dear, dear, vhat can the matter be, 
Oh, dear ! vhat can the matter be, 

Johnny's so long at the fair ! 
He promised, &c. 

(Dances grotesquely, then offers Ballads to 
Jingle and Trotter.) 

Buy a ballad your honours, of Teddy (J Carrol i 
Here's "Ve met,"— "Over the Mountains,"— 
"The Old Maid,"— " Nothing like Money/'— 
* Oh, Cruel,"— « He Loves, and Rides avay,"— 
; 'The Conwict's Return,"— "Strike the Liar,"— 
and "The Rogues March." 

Jin. March ! — hop, skip, jump — vagrant act 
— stocks, whipping post — interruption — busy- 
very ! — hate singing— out of tune — no time — 
penny — by-and-bye — come again — generous — 
very ! — 

Sam. (singing.) 

Oh, come to me vhen day-light sets, 

Sveet, oh, come to me ! 
Vhile sveetly go our gondolovets, ~ 

Over the moonlight sea ! Sec, 

(Tol lol de dol, SfC Dances as before.) 
Jin. Off, vagabond — now for Mrs. Hunter- 
fresh gull— Don Giovanni — new victim — good 
chance— Doctor Cantwell— deep plan — very !— 



100 SAM WELLE R. 

Sam. I'll not lose sight on 'em. — (aside.) 

(Sings) — They brought him back, and then they found 
The spoons on this Nice Young Man, &c. 

[Exit Jingle and Trotter, annoyed, fol- 
lowed by Sam, singing. 

Enter Isabella, followed by Winkle. 

Win. All's game with a sportsman, you 
know, my love — that is, that's fair. — Devils of 
fellows — can't help it. — I may bounce a bit, 
here, with this rustic, (aside.) Must have a kiss 
— all prim'd J 

Isa. Oh fie, sir! — but what will your sweet- 
heart, at home, say ? 

Win. Like me all the better for it — fond of 
spirit — but wont know it — poor thing — glad to 
have me— come, one kiss — give it at "once, my 
pretty partridge, or I shall take a brace- 
licensed to kill! 

Isa. (aside.) The impudent rogue — but I'm 
glad to find he can be gallant, some times — 
wouldn't give a pin for a man that wasn't a little 
bit of a rake. But people will see us, here ! — 
Look they're all coming to begin the dancing. 

Win. Little Innocent! we must be partners 
never leave a pretty girl — too good a sportsman 
for that. 

Isa. If you could meet me 5 now, at my father's. 

Win. With all my heart, my rosebud — I'll 
beat the bushes in no time— but you must give 
me your name — And where you live. 

Isa. I've got it all written down, in large 
hand, on a card, if you please sir ! 

Win. Cfceam of the valley— Homespun Cot- 
tage, I suppose— Clay bottom, Muddington — Eh ! 



SAM WELLER. 101 

what's this? (reads) '' Isabella Wardle, Dingley 
Dell,"— Trapp'd— Caught— Id give the world to 
be under a haycock ! Miss Isabella Wardle. 1 — 
that is, you — Oh Lord ! I can't stand it any 
longer. (Runs off) 

Ixa. Ha! ha! ha! a pretty sportsman, but 
I've brought him down — though I havn't done 
with him yet — Mr. Winkle — Mr. Winkle. 

\Eccit following Mm, and calling. 

Enter Mrs. Leo Hunter with Mr. Pickwick, 
Wardle, Snodgrass, Emily, in Domino, 
Fat Boy, as the living skeleton, and Fancy 
Characters. 

Mrs L. H. Now then friends, the dance — 
the dance. 

Em. Aye the dance ! I have eluded Augustus 
— this domino will enable me still to enjoy 
the dance— (aside) — aye the dance. 

Song, Emily. _ 4 

Air— " The Cachuca." 

Now to the castanets merrily sounding, 
Dance the Cachuca, in smiling array ; 
Not even Duvernay, lightest when bounding, 

Shall, than ourselves, be more buoyant and gay ; 
Then join the Cachuca — la ra, la la ! 

Dance, ere the sun, seeks his home in the west, 
For hearts now are lightest, 
And eyes now are brighest, 
And pleasure and love, in each bosom 3 are guest ! 

Now while the breeze is with melody laden, 

And sighing with transport, each love stricken youth, 
Breathes a sweet tale in the ear of his maiden, 

Painting his passion, his hopes, and his truth — 
Dance the Cachuca — la ra, la la ! 

Each with the partner he worships the best. 
Hearts now are lighest, 
Eyes now are brighest ! 
Dancing in daylight, robs no one of rest. 



102 SAM WELLER. 

{All the characters join in Pas Generate. 
Mrs. Leo Hunter with Mr. Pickwick — 
Snodgrass with Emily — Winkle who has 
re-entered, with Isabella — Mr. Tupman 
with a Nun, Fat Boy, with Columbine, Sec. 

Re-enter Jingle and Job Trotter. 

Jin. Ah! dear Minerva — charming Hunter, 
glad to see you — glorious scene — Eastern splen- 
dour — crowds of people — full grounds — regular 
Mangle — Walker's patent — hard work — very ! 

Mrs. L. H. Well, this is apropos — we 
were just wishing for you, my dear Captain 
Fitztory, allow me to introduce you to my friends. 

ha. (screams) Ha ! the villain that carried 
off my aunt. 

Em. Horrible monster! 

Pick. Jingle, here — he is an impostor ! 

Jin. Allow me an explanation, Miss Emily — 
Miss Isabella — you're all deceived — very. 

Em. Stand off, sir. 

Pick. Secure him — duck him — the pump — 
the horsepond ! 

Finale, Omnes. 

Air — " The quick part of the Finale to the first act of Cinderella." 

Pick. — Villain utter not a single syllable, 

But from this chosen spot directly fly. 

Em.— Oh, sirs, protect us, do not forsake us, 
On your protection we do rely. 

Snod. — Dear ladies, fear not, harm you, he dare not ; 
On our protection you may rely. 

War. — Shall my authority be disregarded ? 

Off rogue and vagabond — oh fie ! oh fie ! 

Guests. — Off to the watchhouse, for time quick flies ! 
If he resists us, the horsepond is nigh. 

■Servants. — No more disputing, if he denies, 

Call the police in — don't let the rogue fly, 



SAM WELLER, 103 

(Towards the end of this Finale^ Sam comes in 
as the Devil, with Pitch-fork, fyc. and squibs off 
Trotter and Jingle. — Drop falls on confusion, 

End of the Second Act. 



ACT III. 



SCENE I. 

Common Room, in the Great White Horse 
Inn, Ipswich. — Pickwick, Snodgrass, Win- 
kle, and Tupman discovered. 

Glee, Pickwickians. 

Air . — e ' Glorious Apollo, ' ' 

Jove born Minerva, from on high surveyed us, 
Yearning to found a Club, to wisdom's praise, ' 

Sent noble Pickwick, hither to aid us, 

Crowning our temples with unfading bays ; 

Thus then combining — heart and hand joining, 
Sing we in harmony, Mister Pickwick's praise ! 

Win. Well, here we are, in the Great White 
Horse, at Ipswich — wish we were coursing to run 
down some better game than this vagabond, 
Jingle, though. 

Snod. Right — right ! but Cui Boni 1 to what 
good will be our pursuit,, Chief? 

Pick. Why, how do we know who he may de- 
ceive next, has he not already deceived a worthy 



104 SAM WELLER. 

man ? and we, the innocent cause — he shall not 
do so again, if I can help it — we've got a clue to 
him, and Til expose him every where — Fll teach 
him to call me old Fire-works ! 

Tup. I will go with you to the end of the 
world, and further — travel may solace my des- 
pairing heart; oh Rachel! — Rachel ! 

Snod. We all will follow our illustrious leader 
— assured of Emily's affection, I can dare all — 
the rugged mountains — the far stretching plains. 
But hadn't we better see after dinnnerl it's 
half-past eight o'clock— Fll step in and order it. 

Win. Not a poetical one, I hope — Fve a 
sporting appetite. 

Snod. Don't he afraid ; poets are generally 
pretty sharp set ! though I shall merely order 
something light — Turtle— salmon — saddle of mut- 
ton — broil'd fowl, and mushrooms — fire of cham- 
paigne — cranberry tart — parmasan — port — pip- 
pins — that's all ! 

Tup. My soul's too much oppressed to let me 
eat, but I think I can manage the saddle of 
mutton. 

Win. Come along then, and we'll have a glass 
of sherry and bitters, to tone our stomachs — I 
must stick up to Bella Wardle, now, or own my 
gallantry — all brag! — she's fairly bagg'd me, the 
baggage — this way ! 

Pick. Fll follow you, directly — mind we sleep 
here, to night — Fll merely give my servant Sam, 
a few directions — I see him coming. 

Snod. Great man ! Provident of all — we'll 
wait for you — this way associates of my toil 
and fame ! \Eoccunt Snodgrass, Tupman, and 
Winkle, 



SAM WELLER, 105 

Enter Sam and Old Weller. 

Pick. Well, now Sam. 

Sam. Beg yatir pardon, sir, but the old un, 
here, vants to know, if he's to book you for 
town to morrow ? 

Pick. Not till I have discovered this aban- 
doned Jingle, Sam, if I stay here for a Century. 

Sam. Veil you knows best, sir! 'cause you've 
liv'd longest — as the girl said to old Parr, 
vhen he ax'd her if she thought, living single 
vas good for the health. 

Old W. I could have answered him at vonce, 
Samivel — for I've bin married. — Yes, I've done 
it vonce too often, Sammy — take example from 
your father, and be wery careful o' vidders, all 
your life— 'specially if they've kept a Public 
House, Sammy. Beg your pardon, sir ! I hope 
nothing personal. — I hope you aint got a vidder. 

Pick Don't mention it, my good friend, 
though you are not so very wide of the mark — 
but your trouble, it seems, is because you've got 
a widow — mine, on the contrary, is because I 
won't have one. That cursed Mrs. Bardell — - 
she has got a couple of Qui-tam fellows, Dodson 
and Fogg, they call themselves, " jobbing attor- 
nies,'' to bring an action for breach of promise 
of marriage — I never promised the creature 
marriage — and what's worse, they have su- 
pcenaed my very friends to appear against me! 

Old W. Vidders vill do anything, sir; but I 
beg your pardon, sir, I forgot to speak to you 
about my son ! I hope you've no fault to find 
vith Sammy — 

Pick. None, whatever. 

p 



106 SAM WELL Ell. 

Old TV. Wery glad to hear it, sir — I took a 
good deal o' pains vith his eddication, sir — let 
him run in the streets vhen he vas wery young, 
and shift for his-self — it's the only vay to make 
a boy sharp, sir. 

Pick. Won't you take anything, Mr. Weller ? 

Old TV. You're wery good, p'rhaps a small 
glass of brandy jist to drink success to Sammy, 
vouldn't be amiss. 

Pick. A small glass of brandy here, waiter. 
{Calling — Waiter brings brandy and exits?) 

Sam* Take care, old feller, or you'll have a 
touch of your old complaint, the gout, agin. 

Old W\ I've found a sovereign cure for that, 
Sammy ! {bolting the brandy.} 

Pick. A sovereign cure for the gout — eh ! I 
must note that down for the club, {takes oat 
note book) What is it? 

Old W. Vy this, sir ; the gout is a com- 
plaint that arises from too much ease and com- 
fort ; if ever you're attacked vith the gout, sir, 
jist marry a widder, as has got a loud woice, 
vith a decent notion o' usin it, and you'll never 
have the gout agin, it's a capital prescription, 
sir ; I takes it reg'lar, and I can varrant it to 
drive avay any illness, as is caused by too much 
jollity. 

Sam. You are a perfect wictim of connubi- 
ality, father ; as Blue Beard's domestic chaplain 
said, vith a tear of pity, vhen he buried him. 

Pick. Ha! ha! ha! {laughs) it's rather a 
novel receipt, certainly ! but I must go and join 
my friends — I am somewhat fatigued, and shall 
retire to bed early — you'll be in waiting, Sam» 

Sam. As sure as death and quvarter day, sir. 



SAM WELLE It- 107 

Pick. I wish you good bye, then, Mr- Wel- 
ler — hope you'll speedily have some alleviation 
of your domestic grievances. \_Eocit Pickwick. 

Old TV. That's past hopin for, Sammy — that 
only rests vith the undertaker ; but vhat's that 
letter, you're twviddling about in your hand, 
Sammy — |C Pursuit of knowledge under difficul- 
ties !" eh ! 

Sam. Vy, to tell you the truth, I've bin a 
writin ! 

Old W. Not to any young oomao, I hopes, 
Sammy. 

Sam. Veil, it aint no use a sayin it aint — it's a 
walentine. 

Old W. A walentine! vhat, arter the vara in 
you've had o' your father's wicious perpensities 
— arter all I've said to you upon this ere wery 
subject — arter actuvally seein and bein in the 
company o' your mother-in-law, vich I should 
ha' thought vas a moral lesson, as no man could 
ever ha' forgotten, to his dying day — I didn't 
think you could ha' done it 5 Sammy! (puts 
handkerchief to his eyes.) 

Sam. Vhat's the matter now % 

Old W. Never mind, Sammy, — it vill be a 
werry agonizin' trial to me, at my time o' life — 
but I'm pretty tough, that's von consolation — as 
the wery old turkey, remarked, vhen the 
farmer said, he vas afeard— he should be obliged 
to kill him for the Lunnon market. 

Sam. Vot'U be a trial 1 old double vicket ! 

Old W. To see you married — to see you a 
deluded wictim — and thinkin in your innocence 
— that it's all wery capital — it's a dreadful trial 
to a father's feelings, that ere, Sammy. 



108 SAM WELLE R. 

Sam. Nonsense — but I know youYeajudge 
o' these things — so I'll read you the letter. 

Old W. Veil, fire avay, my boy — but first 
ve'il have a glass of the inwariable — Vaitor ! 

Enter Waiter. 

A double go of the inwariable ! 

Wai. Yes, sir ! — Yes, sir 1 \Eocit Waiter. 
Old TV. They knows rny vays here. 

J£nter Waiter, with Liquor, which he gives to 
Old Weller, and eociis. 

Now go on, Sammy! 

Sam. u Lovely creetur, I feel myself a 
damned"— 

Old W. Eh ! that can't be— « damned !" 

Sam. No, it aint damned — it's -shamed" — 
there's a blot on it — ' 4 I feel myself ashamed — 

Old W. Wery good — go on. 

Sain. Feel myself ashamed, and completely 

cir I forget vhat this ere vord is {scratching 

his head) here's another blot— let me see, here's 
a 44 c" and a "i'-' and a " d."— 

Old W. 44 Circumwented," p'rhaps. 

Sam. No it aint, it's 44 circumscribed." 

Old W. Veil, that may be a tenderer vord.— 
Drive on. 

Sam. 44 Completely circumscribed in a dressing 
of you, for you are a nice young gal, and nothin 
but it." 

Old W. Drive on, Sammy. 

Sam. ' Q Afore I see you, I thought all oomen 
vas alike ; but now, I find vhat a reg'lar soft- 
headed ink-red'louse turnip 1 must ha' bin, for 
there aint nobody like you, and I like you 



SAM WELLE II. 109 

better than nothin at all." I thought it best to 
make that mother strong. 

Old TV. Wery good, drive on. 

Sam. li I take the priviledge of the day, Mary, 
my dear, as the gen'lman in difficulties did, yen 
he valked out of a Sunday, to tell you, that the 
first and only time I seed you, your likeness vas 
took on my" — turn over ! — 

Old IV. Vhat, Sammy — took on your turn 
ovei 1 — 

Sam. Yes — you alvays puts " turn over," vhen 
you goes ou 'tother side. — ■ 6 Your likeness vas 
tookon my" — turn over — '' heart, — Exceptofme* 
Mary, my dear, as your walentine, and think over 
vhat I've said, my dear Mary ! I vill now con- 
clude." — That's all. 

OldW. That's rather a sudden pull up, aintitl 

Sam. Not a bit on't ; she'll vish there vos more, 
and that's the great art o' letter \vritin'. 

Old W. Yell, there's somethin' in that, and I 
vish your mother-in-law, ud only conduct her 
conversation on the same genteel principle — aint 
you goin' to sign it ? 

Sam. That's the difficulty, I don't know 
vhat to sign it ! 

Old W. Sign it Veller. 

Sam. Yon't do — Never sign a walentine vith 
your own name. 

Old W. Sign it Pickvick, then— it's a wery 
good name, and wery easy to spell ! P-i-k-v-i-k. 

Sam. The wery thing — I could end vith a 
werse, couldnt I. — Vhat do you think r 

Old W. I dont't like it, Sammy ! I never knowtf 
a respectable coachman, as wrote poetry— cept 
von, as made an affectiii' copy of werses 5 the 



110 SAM WELLER. 

night afore lie vas hung, for a Highvay Robbery 
— but he vas only a Cambervell man — so even 
that's no rule. 

Sam. No matter ! I must end vith a werse, so 
here goes {writes) tC Your love-sick, Pick-vick !" 
Now then to direct it, {writes) "To Mary 
Ouse maid, at Mr. Waddle's, Manor Farm, 
Dingley Dell." There, that'll do. 

Old W . Veil, ndw then, vy as you consulted me 
— now to vhat I vanted to consult you about, 
Samivel ; it's a pint of domestic policy — this ere 
Stiggins, the shepherd — 

Sam. The red nose man, that I seed vhen I 
wisited mother-in-law, at Dorking"? 

Old W. The wery same ; this ere red nosed 
man, Sammy, wisits your mother-in-law, vith 
a kindness and constancy, as I never seed equvalled 
— he's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, that 
vhen he's avay from us, he can't be comfortable, 
unless he has something to remember us by. 

Sam. I'd give him somethin as 'ud turpentine 
and beesvax his memory, for the next ten years, 
or so, if I vas you. 

Old W. Stop a minute, I vas a goin to say, 
lie alvays brings a flat bottle, as holds about a pint 
and a half, vith him, and fills it vith pine apple 
rum, afore he goes avay — 

Sam. And empties it, afore he comes back, I 
supposes — 

Old W. Clean ! never leaves nothin in it, but 
the cork and the smell — trust him for that Sammy. 
Now, these ere fellers, my boy, are a goin to get 
up the monthly meetin o' the United Grand 
Junction Ebenezer Temperance Society! your 
mother-in-law vas to be there, Sammy, but she's 



SAM WELLE!!, Ill 

fot the rheumatics and can't, and I, Sammy, 
\e got the two tickets as vas sent her. 

Sam. Vhat are you vinking your right eye so 
for, have ye got the tic dolo reux in it ? 

Old TV. No, no ! this is it, you and I'll go 
punctuval to the time; the shepherd vont {laughs) 
ha! ha! ha! 

Sam. Vhat are you laughin at, old corpi- 
lence 1 I ne\er seed sitch an old ghost in all my 
born days. 

Old TV. Hush, Sammy; two friends of mine, 
as vorks on the Oxford Road, and is up to all 
kinds o' games, vill get the shepherd safe in tow, 
and vhen he does go to the Ebenezer Junction, 
vich he's sure to do, for they'll see him to the 
door, and shove him in, if necessary, he'll be as 
far gone in rum-and-vater, as ever he vas at the 
Markiss o' Granby, at Dorkin, and that's not 
sayin a little, either. 

Sam. I'll go vith you, father — I'll go vith you, 
you may depend upon me. 

Old W* Spoke like my own boy — veil, now 
then, Til finish the glass and say good-bye, 
(drinks) good night, my boy, and may this 
love match never cause you to know your father's 
sorrows. 

Sam. I'll see you to the door, Mr. Veller, 
senior, the gowernor von't vant me jist yet. 

[_Eoceunt Sam and Old Weller. 

Re-enter Mr. Pickwick. 

Pick. There, I've had a mouthful, and now 
I'll be off to bed ! late dinners don't suit me— 
they may stay as long as they like, they'll not 
leave their wine just yet ; besides I've got a 



112 SAM WELLER. 

great deal to think about, though I declare the 
glass or two of wine, that I've taken, seems to 
have got into my head as it is — that plaguy Mrs. 
Martha Bardell, and that cursed Dodson and 
Fogg, but they won't bear reflecting on, they'll 
drive me mad — let me go to bed — I only hope I 
may sleep. — Waiter! {calls.) 

Enter Waiter. 

JVai. Sir 1 

Pick. I can have a bed ? 

JVai. We've none but double bedded rooms. 

Pick. I can have one of them to myself, 
can't 1 1 

JVai. Oh yes, sir; there's No. 22, will suit 
you capitally, sir — nice fire — all ready in it- 
sheets just air'd. and every thing — I'll show you 
up to it, sir. 

Pick. That will be the very thing ; tell my 
servant to bring me some hot water at eight 
o'clock, and that I shan't w r ant him any more to 
night. 

Wav I will, sir ; this way, sir. 

[Exeunt Pickwick and Waiter. 

Re-enter Sam. 

I've slipp'd that ere walentine into the post, so 
now it's off my mind — making love, for the first 
time, is like goin a svimmin, it's wery awk- 
vard, the first plunge, but it's nothin vhen you're 
us'd to it. Now, I've only got to dewote my 
faculties, to give that ere mulberry-painted, 
portable engine, Mr. Job Trotter, some compen- 
sation for the trouble he took, to let me know, 
I didn't know so much as I thought I did — I 



SAM WELL ER, 113 

■met vith him quvite casually, as it vere, as I vas 
a valkin down the town — wery glad to see me, 
he vas — I can't say — I squeez'd out of him, that 
he vas a courtiu on a cook, vhat had sav'd some 
money ; as he met at a chapel, vhere he vas singin 
" No. 4 Collection !" vho vas goin to set up in 
the chandlery line — and that he'd every reason 
to expect, as he vas to be the chandler.— Ulloa! 
the gowernor ! — vhat can he vant ?-^ 

Enter Pickwick. 

Pick. One might as well he in the maze, at 
Hampton Court — quite a labyrinth— as many 
ways down stairs, as there's streets in the Seven 
Dials— glad I've found my way here, at last — 
odd enough — left my gold watch behind me — 
family concern — couldn't sleep if it wasn't tick- 
ing over my head — apropos, Sam here ! — step 
in the next room, Sam, and get me my watch 
— it's lying on the table. 

Sam. Directly, sir! [FwitSAM, 

Pick. Droll — very droll— I should lose my 
way — it's quite plain, these old inns were built 
in the way they are, on purpose to make people 
stay in them— guests must be a month in them, 
before they get used to them— I must make a 
note of that, for the Club. 

Re-enter Sam, 

Sain. There's the ticker, sir ! 

Pick. Thank'ye, Sam — now then, I'll take 
my way back again — hope I shan't make any 
more mistakes — good night, Sam ! [Exit 

Pickwick, 

Sam. And I'll take my way to the tap— and 

Q 



114 SAM WELLER, 

then off to the attic — as Milton said, vhen he 
yas writin " Paradise Lost," and drinkin small 
beer! [Exit Sam' 

Enter Aunt Rachel, Fat Boy, and Waiter. 

Rack, Very well. Waiter — you will send the 
Chambermaid to me— and provide a bed for ray 
attendant, here ! 

F. Boy. I can sleep any where — {snores)-— 

Wai. Find him a bed in the cock-loft, 
directly, ma'am ! [Exit Waiter. 

Rack. lam glad my brother has thought pro- 
per to send for me home again — sorry the coach 
only came part of the way, and stopped here— 
mine has only been a juvenile indiscretion — sus- 
ceptible hearts will sympathize — oh ! Lothario! — : 
cruel, false Lothario ! — Much injured Tupman, 
too — how my heart yearns to make you repara- 
tion, and become your wife — I was deluded — 
but my love is yours — heigho ! 

Enter Chambermaid. 

Cham. No. 22, ma'am — shall I show you to 
your room? 

jiacli. Do ? my goqd girl! Oh/Lothario! — 
Oh, much injured Tupman! — Get you to bed. 
Joe! [Exeunt Rachel and Chambermaid. 

F. Bny. She's crack'd- — that love has turn'd 
her wits — tell me to go to bed !— as if there was 
any occasion to tell me that— they says I'm 
always asleep — they doesn't know how I lays 
awake at nights— and every body has their day- 
dreams, sometimes, and aint always awake, as 
well as me— but what's more, are very often 



SAM WELLER. 115 

caught napping — how drowsy talking does 
make one ! 

Song, Fat Boy. 

Am—" WYre a' Xoddin," 

I'm always noddin ! nid,, nidj noddin ! 

I'm always noddin ! abroad and at home ! 

The Butler loves ale, aud little to do, 

The Cook loves a sop, and loves a dram too ; 

The Footman loves Mary, she loves him, he thinks, 

While Mary loves the Groom — bat I loves forty winks ! 

For I'm always noddin ! nid, nid, noddin J 

I'm always nodding ! — abroad or at home. 

(Falls asleep at the end of song, in chair 
- — 'Waiter enters, to show him to his Room, 
finds him asleep, — can't wake him, and carries 
him off on chair.) 



SCENE II. 

Bed Room Gallery, in Great White Horse Inn ; 
Range of Bed Rooms, numb ered2\ 9 22,23,^24, 

Enter Pickwick. 

Pick. Well, there certainly never was such a 
puzzling place, as this — I've been up a dozen 
flights of stairs, and come to the lord knows how 
many landings, without arriving at Port — but I 
think Tin all right now. Yes, this is certainly 
the identical gallery— let me be sure, I find the 
right number — two numbers very much alike! — 
21, that can't be it — they aint at all alike — 24, 
nor this, neither — 23, they're very much alike — 
but, stay, what's this % 22 ! — that must be it, 
they're quite alike — I'll just peep in, to make 



116 SAM WELLER. 

snre I'm correct* (opens dooi\ and peeps in.J 
Yes, there is a blazing fire — the candle, I sup- 
pose, has gone out. — Well, I can undress myself 
without it, so here goes, to pop myself under the 
counterpane. tEocit Pickwick, into Room, 

No. 22. 

(A short pause.') 

Enter Aunt Rachel, and Chambermaid, with 

Light. 

Cham. That is your room, ma'am, No.22 — 
shall I take in the light, and turn down the 
clothes % 

Rack. No — no I — Chambermaid — I will do 
that myself — give me the candle. You will call 
me at seven — but let one of your Ostlers call 
the stout youth, you saw with me, at five ! as he 
always takes a couple of hours, getting his eyes 
open. 

Cham I'll take care — good night ma'am. 

\JEtdcit Chambermaid. 

Rach. Good night ! — Dear me, its very odd 
— but I never can help thinking of my unpro- 
tected, solitary condition, just as lam going to 
bed. It's very hard, having two chances, as I 
had, after having waited so long, that I should 
miss them both — I certainly cannot afford to 
lose much more time now ! — though every body 
must allow I'm in the height of my bloom ; quite 
in my prime — not like those green, unripe, in- 
experienced, pinafore chits, that all the fel- 
lows run after so, now o' days, in preference to 
maturer beauty ; but I'll take care how I let 
slip another chance— heigho ! oh Lothario ! oh 
Mr. Tupman ! But let me go and put my hair 



SAM WELLER. 117 

in curl, I've got some fancy yellow paper — one 
likes to look tasty, even within the arms of 
Morpheus. [Exit Aunt Rachel, into No. 22. 

Enter Sam, rather fresh. 

Sam. Veil, certainly this ere Ipsvich ale is 
wery strong, and my gowernor — Mr. Pick- 
vick, is a wery good feller — my place is a 
wery nice place — Mary is a wery pretty girl 7 
and that ere Job Trotter is a wery great 
willin, and every thing is wery comfortable- 
mine's a wery cheering prospect, as the man 
said, vhen he look'd out o' the Pillory, and saw 
the rotten eggs a coming — veil, it is but fit it 
should be, for the roads I've travell'd through, 
aint bin wery much macadamized, as yet — and 
turn, and turn about, is fair play, as the show- 
man said, vhen he vhopped the boys, vho turned 
the round-about. Talking of round-abouts, I 
certainly have had some quveer ups and downs ; 
von of these ere times, I shall make a song of 
my life and adwentures, 4< The youthful days of 
Mr. Samevel Veller," a wery good idea — {loud 
screams heard in Bed Room, No. 22, and cries 
of' 6 Oh, Lord! oh, Lord rj— Ulloa ! vhat's in 
the vind now % — as the devil said, vhen he vent 
to collect his tithes ! (Bed Room Door, No. 22 y 
is burst open, and Aunt Rachel, in White Bed 
Gown, and Yellow Curl Papers, and Mr. Pick- 
wick, in Flannel Robe and Long Night Cap rush 
output in their haste stick together in the Door- 
way, both screaming out " Murder" '' Thieves,'* 
u Fire," fyc.fyc. — Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tup- 
man^ with Laiidlady, Servants of Inn, fy Guests? 
half -dressed, enter from all sides, in great 
alarm.) 



118 SAM W1ELLER. 

Snod. What, in high heaven's name, is the 
matter? 

Rack. Preserve me from this ravisher — this 
monster ! 

Pick. Oh, my dear friends ! here's a woman 
got into my room. 

Tup. Palpitating situation ! 

Win. Poaching again ! 

Land. The terrible old Turk! 

Rach. Joseph! — why Joseph, I say! D— 
that boy — he's asleep again. — What will become 
of me?— I'm ruined! — Oh ! — {faints in Tup- 
maris arms, hiding her face.} 

Land. The character ©f my house will be 
gone for ever — call in the Mayor's officers, 
they're down below. — Mr. Dubberly, Mr, Grum- 
mer ! — {calling?) 

Pick. My dear madam — on the honour of a 
gentleman ! — 

Enter Eubberly and G rummer, with Constat 
bles Staff and Poker. 

Grum. Eh ! breaking the peace — where are 
the malefactors ? — In the King's name I charge 
you.— 

Sam. Ulloa ! squalls abroad ! — 

Win. This is worse than the boarding school. 

Land. There stands the culprit — take him 
up, then knock him down. — 

Sam. Veil, you're going it, old Blazes — but 
you must knock him down, afore you takes him 
up — and that aint exactly feesable, vhile I'm 
here ! — 

Grum. Ah! a rescue! fire at the willains — 



SAM WELLE It. 1 19 

Mr. Dubberly, you've got tbe red-hot poker — 
secure them — bring in the parish chair. 

Snod. I will protect him at the hazard of my 
life l 

Sam. Stand off, old Blazes. 

Grum. Down with them ! 

Octetto and Cjiorus, (Omnes 7 severally.") 

Air-?" Tow, row, row !" 

Pick. — Zounds ! what now — what a row, 

Dub.— Keep the peace, sir ! or I'll floor you. 
Sam. — Show me how — come on now, 

RacTi. — In the King's name, I implore you. 
Land. — Lay them low — make them bow, 

Pick. — Rascals, soon we'll triumph o'er you. 
Sam. — Well, I vow — smooth your brow, 

Here's your mother coming for you ! 

Grum. — Crack his crown — knock him down, 

Was there ever such a villain ; 
Snod. — Stupid clown — do him brown, 

Give the vagabond a milling ! 
Sam. — You may frown — all your town, 

I would leather for a shilling ! 
Dub. — Self you'll drown — in his gown, 

When the Mayor gives you a drilling * 
nines. — What a row, &c. 

{During the singing this, Sam floors Grum- 
mer — Snodgrass and Winkle attach Dubberly. 
Mr. Pickwick is secured by Chambermaid and 
Landlady — Old Sedan is brought in — Sam, fyc. 
are overpowered—Pickwick, Sam, Snodgrass 
and Winkle are borne off in custody, followed 
by omnes. Fat Boy enters, half dressed, and 
half asleep — as they are going — yawns, stares 
vacantly about, and walks quietly after them— 
singeing his nose, with the candle as he goes 
off-) 



120 SAM WELL ER, 



SCENE III. 



Justice Hall, in the Mansion of Mr. Nuprins, 
the Mayor. 

Enter Nuprins, and Jingle, as Captain Fitztory. 

Nap. Duty is my motto, in every station of 
life, my dear friend, Captain Fitztory. My 
daughter's happiness, before every thing. I had 
certainly intended that an union should take place 
between her and young Sidney Porkenham, but 
as it appears your fortune is somewhat superior, 
and you are a Captain, why, of course, that 
alters the case. As an affectionate father, 1 shall 
give my consent to your nuptials. 

Jin. Matchless man — distinguished magis- 
trate — worlds of gratitude — happiest day of my 
life ! — honored — flatter'd — Henrietta — Mother's 
beauty ! — Father's virtue ! — accomplished ! — 
lovely ! — rich!— very ! 

Nup. Why, yes ; I don't want to brag, Cap- 
tain — but from the days of Magna Charta, for 
that is my Epocha, the JNupkins have always cut 
a conspicuous figure in the county. 

Jin. Don't doubt it. Whipping posts— stocks 
-—-cage — (aside.} — (hell rings, and noise heard 
without.} — Eh ! business, Nuppy — poaching — 
pheasants — peasants — joskins — whip 'em — fine 
'em — sacred duty — justice — I'll vanish — Mrs. 
Nupkins — pay respects — see lovely bride — whis- 
per how I'm transported — blush — sigh — dear 
Alfred ! — tender — very — very ! — Come back 
directly— trounce the villains — trounce 'em — 
good for the nation — necessary — very ! \Exit 
Jingle* 



SAM WELLEK. 121 

Nup. A noble fellow ! — he'll do honor to me. 
But what is tliis ? — a charge 1 — let me call my 
clerk, Mr. Jinks, and get ready to receive it. — - 
Mr. Jinks! — Mr. Jinks! (calling.) 

Enter Jinks, with Table^ two Chair s % and 
Writing Apparatus. 

Jinks. Yes, sir ! 

Nup. To business — we must uphold the great 
principles of Magna Charta, Mr. Jinks— stick 
to that— Punish every body I — 

Jink. Yes, sir ! 

Grum. (without) Bring; them along, this way ! 

Nup. Be firm, Mr. Jinks — this looks like a 
serious riot— we have the great Bulwark, to 
support us. 

Enter Grummer, Dubberly, and Constables, 
with Sam, Pickwick, Snodgrass, and Win- 
kle,, Prisoners— follmvcd by Landlady, 8f4>* 

Hey day ! — hey day! — what is the meaning of 
all this 1 

Pick. Is it thus, that the liberty of the 
subject — 

Snod. I demand an ample retribution ! 

Win. I have been sported with.— 

Sam. Pickvick and Principle, I says! this 
ere old genlman viil soon put every thing to 
rights. 

Nup. Silence! silence! order, I say, or III 
commit you all, on the authority of Magna 
Charta. — 

Sam. And whose Carter is he 1 

Nup. Silence, that ruffian. Now then, what 



is the charge ? 



R 



122 SAM WELLER. 

Land. Please your worship, this man, No. 
23, has been violently assaulting No. 22, a 
most respectable lady 5 who will be here pre- 
sently, to swear to it. 

Grum. Yes 3 your washup; this ere Piekvick, 
and these ere t'other rhinoscerusses. — - 

Sam. Isay 3 come— come — none of that ere, old 
Strike-a- light. Beg your pardon, sir, but this 
ere hofficer of yourn, in the gambooge tops, 'ull 
ijever earn a decent livin, as a master of the 
ceremonies, any vhere; this ere is S. Piekvick, 
Esq --this ere's Mr. Snodgrass, and this ere's 
Mr. Yinkle, three wery respectable gen'lmen, as 
you'll be proud to make the acquvaintance on, 
vhen you knows 'em. 

Nup. Ulloa ! ulloa ! who is this man, Gru ra- 
ni er ? 

Grum. A wery desperate character^ your 
washup, he attempted to rescue the other pri- 
soners, and assaulted the hofficers in a double 
compacity— so ve took him into custody. 

Nap. You did quite right — put all the depo- 
sitions down, Mr. Jinks ; the fellow is evidently 
an outrageous ruffian ! 

Pick. He is my servant, sir ! 

Nup. Oh J oh ! — another of the gang— put 
it all down, Mr. Jinks! 

Sam. And score under it, old Bush-vig. 

Nup. What is your name, scoundrel 1 — 

Sam. No, that aint my name — I rayther sup- 
poses, as you vants to give it me— it must be 
your own property ! 

Pick. Sam ! — Sam !— be quiet! 

Sam. I am as dumb as a drum, vith a hole 
in it ! 



SAM WELLE R. 123 

Nup. Mr. Jinks, he hasn't told his name, you 
see, so put it down. Will you tell your name, 
sir ! 

Sam. Sam Veller ! 

Nup. A very good name for the Newgate 
Calendar — put it down, Mr. Jinks ! 

Sam. Two l's, old feller — 

Nup. Do you spell it with a V. or a W. 

Sam. That depends on the taste and fancy of 
the speller — I never had occasion to spell it more 
nor vonce or twice, in my life, and then I spelTd 
it vith a Wei 

Nup. Put that down, Mr. Jinks — spells W, 
with a V — where do you live, sir ? 

Sam. Vherever I can ! 

Nup. Put that down, Mr. Jinks— put that 
down — he is a vagabond by his own confession 
— so I can commit him, according to Magna 
Charta! 

Sam. A wery impartial Justice, this ere ! — 
Doesn't show any preference — commits his-self, 
as veil as every body else ! 

Nup. Silence, sir ! I shall hold the three prin- 
cipal prisoners to bail — and fine this man, five 
pounds, for every assault — and keep him in 
custody till it's paid. 

Pick, But hadn't you better hear the evidence 
first, and let us know what we've done"? 

Nup. Not at all necessary, sir ! {Jinks whis- 
pers Napkins.) 

Nup. Ah ! true ! — I shall, in my clemency, 
give you the privilege of our glorious Magna 
Charta ! — Call in the complainant ! 

Sam. Ah ! let's have somelhin to complain on. 

Nup. Silence* sir ! 



\24 SAM WELLER, 

Gram. This ere Pickvick, is a veil known, 
abandoned character, your washup — a wery 
great dilly quent — he vas cotch'd trying to run 
avay vith a whole hoard in school o 1 young; wir- 
gins — and he's being indicted for a breach of 
promise of marriage and bigamy, tins ere wery 
moment. 

Nap. Horrible profligacy ! none of our wives 
or daughters are safe, with such a hoary-headed 
sinner— but here comes the lady ! 

Enter Aunt Rachel, supported by Tupman^ 
followed by Fat Boy. 

Nup. Now, madam, assert your wrongs, there 
stands the desperado ! 

Sam, {seeing Rachel.) Veil, vas there ever 
sich a start, as this ere ! 

Pick. What's this ? Miss Rachel Wardle ! 

Rach Good heavens ! how have I been mis- 
taken ! Miv Pickwick— I beg a thousand par- 
dons ! 

JVup. Eh! what, acquaintances! but that 
mustn't impede the course of justice ! it's con- 
trary to Magna Charta! — Friendship mustn't 
suborn the evidence — can you throw any light 
on this bed-room affair, youth '?— (F. Boy 
snores) — put that down, Mr. Jinks — I confirm 
the conviction — -it's a clear case— I confirm the 
conviction ! 

Pick. But, Mr. Magistrate, this is entirely a 
mistake— I have long been intimate with that 
lady. I entered her room entirely in error ! 

Nap. Yes, yes \ — I know you did. 

Rach y I withdraw all charge — I would trust 
my life in the hands of that gentleman, sir ! 



S A M W EL L E R, 125 

Nap. I must bind you over to prosecute, 
ftmlam— two sureties in forty pounds — nothing 
but vigorous measures will do, in these times; 
already has there been a rebellion in the town. 
of all the day-scholars, at one of the principal 
seminaries — a respectable apple-woman's win- 
dow has been broken, contrary to Magna Charta 
- — the civil power must be supported — I have 
faced greater dangers than this! — You recollect 
the Suffolk bantam, and Norfolk Dumpling, 
Mr, Jinks? 

Sam. Ve must get out of this, somehow, I'll 
try vhat Mr. Trotter s influence vill do. 

Enter Jingle, 

Jin. Now, Nuppy— lunch waiting— cold ton=^ 
gue — chicken — sherry — commit 'em all — empty 
stomach — bad for health — wand too — awkward 
— vulgar — very — very — very ! 

Sam. Caught at last. — Veil, this beats Stilton. 

Pick. What do I see ? — the villain, Jingle ! 

Nup. Jingle ! no, sir 5 my son-in-law, that is 
to be — Captain Fitztory ! 

Jin. 4< Angels and ministers of grace" — all up 
— mine sprung — no go — must bolt. 

Pick. Another victim, f Captain !' — he's an im- 
postor, a swindling stroller— run away with this 
lady, to obtain her fortune — extorted money 
from her friends — my associates here can prove 
it — but I'll expose him— I w r as in search of him. 

Nap. His looks convict him — and going to 
marry my daughter — what will the Porkenhams 
and the Griggs, and the Slummingtons, say — 
shall I commit him— what's to prevent me ! 

Jin. Pride — pride — old fellow ! — wouldn't do 



126 SAM WELLER. 

— no go — caught a Captain, eh! ha! ha! very 
good husband for daughter — biter bit — make it 
public — not for worlds — look stupid — very ! 

Nnp Villain ! 

Jin. Ha ! ha ! Captain for ever ! nothing like 
it — Catch the girls — scarlet coat— scarlet fever ! 
no matter tall young man — old lover — Sidney 
Porkenham rich — fine fellow — not so rich as 
Captain though, eh ! — turn him away — off with 
him— anything for Captain — nothing like Captain 
anywhere — eh, Nup, — eh ! 

Nup. Remove the villain— leave the house, sir. 

Pick. Stay, sir, {to Jingle) you are exposed, 
disgraced — I might have taken a revenge much 
greater — this leniency, I hope, you will remember 
— but ere you go, let me inform you, I consider 
that you are a rascal and a ruffian^ and worse than 
any man I ever met with. 

Jin. Ha! ha! good fellows Pickwick — fine 
heart — stout old boy — must not be passionate- 
bad thing — very !— might do you a sen ice— thing 
you little dream of — but shan't — bye-bye — see 
you again, some day — keep up your spirits — 
where's my servant, Job — where are you Job ? 

Enter Job Trotter. 

Sam. Ulloa! here he is — vhy ve vere, this 
wery moment, speakin on you — how are you! 
vere have you bin 1 come in > and then Til show 
you out! how does the chandlery business go 
on ? how happy you look, have you got the 
cook! you'll have a bastin presently I let me hand 
you to the door — come, come, don't baptize your 
willany here, you hypocrite, in that manner— now 
a int you a wery nice young man. 



SAii WELLElt. 1 27 

Nnp, Out with them — out with them — out 
with them. 

Sam. Vith pleasure — that vay gen'lmen — 
take care how you go. {trips up their heels^ and 
kicks; them off.) 

Nap. A worthy riddance — you have nobly 
furthered the purposes of Magna Charta, gentle- 
men — you are now at liberty. 

Pick. I'm pleased to have a second time — 
preserved a lovely female from a scoundrel. Miss 
Wardle ; I have occasioned you some inconveni- 
ence, let me repair it ; my good friend, Tupmaa 
here — relieve his anguish, soothe his despairing 
heart — he loves you still. 

Rach. Tracey ! (tenderly.) 

Tup. Rachel ! {They embrace — Fat JBoy 
snores.) 

Sam. (who has returned) He's vinking at 
their reconciliation — vot a young Bore Con- 
§trictur it is — veil, I've polish'd off that Mr. Job, 
left him lying sprawling in an ingun bed 5 he can 
cry as long as he likes there. 

Pick. We'll now depart, with thanks, sir, for 
your courtesy — come friends for town — the hea- 
viest of my trials is at hand — we must be prepared 

Sam. Aye — aye — all's now as it should be, 
as the oyster said to the tub, vhen the knife 
slipped,, and cqt the girl's thumb off — it's all 
right now. [Exeunt Pickwick, 

Snodgrass and Winkle— Aunt Rachel and 
Tupman shown off by Nupkins, Grummer, Dub- 
berly, and Jinks, followed by Landlady, Con- 
stables, Sam, and Fat Boy, snoring. 



128 SAM WELLE It. 



SCENE IV. 



Old Palace Yard, outside of Westmister Hall. 

Enter Old Weller, 

Old W. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Veil vas there ever 
sich a game! — As my Sammy, didn't come, of 
course, I didn't vait for him — so I goes to this 
ere Temp'rance^ Society, all alone, by myself 
and there they vas — a reg'Iar mixtur o' vater 
drinkers of every description.— Tea and vater 
drinkers— Gin and vater drinkers — Rum and 
vater drinkers, and Brandy and vater drinkers — 
all but salt and vater drinkers, but there varn't 
none o' them— no thank'ye — veil, arter they'd 
swallowed the draft of a report — who should 
come in, but the Shepherd, his wery self! and the 
first thing he did, being wery drunk, vas, as in duty 
bound, to say every body else vas drunk. — And 
it wasn't 'till I'd manifested the truth to him vith 
half a dozen knock down arguments — that I con- 
vinced the reverend gen'Iman — that he vasn't 
quvile compos, and hadn't a leg to stand on. Ha ! 
ha! ha ! didn't I bonnet him, neither! {laughs 
immoderately. ) 

Enter Sam. 

Sam. Ulloa old wenerable— vhat are you 
puttin yourself in sich a paroxysm for? makin 
yourself so precious hot, that you looks like a 
aggrawated glass-blower. Vhat fancy is it 
as is ticklin up your funny bone, in this ere Vayl! 

Old W. He's in for it Sammy ! he's in for it e 

Sam. Who's in for it? 



SAM WELLEK. 129 

Old \V. Vy the Shepperd — twelve glasses 
deep of rum and vater — vith a good hid in — and 
a night's lodgin in the Station House, into the 
bargin — all performed by me!— Your dutiful 
father, Toney Veller — as vitness my hand ! 

Sam. Vhat have you bin a reginerating him 1 
— Veil, I am glad on it — von half of these fel- 
lers, as belongs to the Temp' ranee Societies— 
don't desarve nothin less, than to die, of the Hy- 
drofobia, under a feather-bed, and not on it. 
Sorry I varn't there to ha\e seed the lark, and 
ha* lent a helpin hand. — But come — are you 
prepared to go to the Court vith me % because 
the Gowernor's trial is acomin on, and I'm a 
XJtness. 

Old TV. QuviteVeady, Samivel — but apropos, 
as they says ; if your Gowernor vants any vit- 
nesses to character, or to prove a alleybi — all I 
can say is, I've bin turnin over the business in 
my mind, and he may make- his-self perfectly 
easy, Sammy — I've got some friends as vill do 
either for him — but my adwice vill be this ere, 
never mind the character — but stick to the 
alleybi. 

Sam. Vy he arn't a goin to be tried at the Old 
Bailey ! 

Old W. That ere forms no part of the present 
consideration, Sammy— Vhereever he is agoin to 
be tried, my boy — a alleybi is the thing to get 
hm off — Ve got Tom Vildspark off, that ere 
manslaughter of his'n, vith a alleybi, vhen all the 
big vigs, to a man, said as nothin could save him, 
and my 'pinion is, Sammy — that if your Gower- 
nor don't prove a alleybi, hell be vot the Italians 
call— reg'larly flummoxed— and that's all about it 

s 



130 S A M WEL LER, 

Sam. Veil, veil! I von't argefy vitli you, old 
Prussian-blue — have it all your own vay ! But 
let's be off there at vonce — so come along. 

Old TV. Aye, aye, my boy — the alleybi vill 
do the trick. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

[Ecvit Old Weller and Sam- 

Enter Wardle, Isabella, and Emily. 

War. No I no ! girls — I couldn't remain in 
Dingley Dell, and know there was so important 
an affair, as my friend Pickwick's trial, about to 
be decided \ the 14th of February — it is to come 
off to-day— from this spot, we may gain the 
earliest intelligence — Rachel must wait 'till we 
return. 

Isa. Winkle's a witness, is he not, papa"? 

War. Yes, yes — make your mind easy, girl; 
you will be sure to see him ! 

Em. And Mr. Snodgrass, pa ? 

War. Yes, Snodgrass too ! 

Em. Then there's no doubt, Sir, who will win 
the day — noble Augustus ! — 

War. They're both good fellows, and when 
the trial's over, if you still hold in the same 
mind — 

Em. My love's unalterable, sir, as fate! 

War. Aye, aye — well, then, if you're wil- 
ling, ftnd they're ready, why, I don't know that 
I shall oppose your passion. 

Isa. That's a dear, good, pa! — I'll take care 
Mr. Winkle don't offend the laws ! No game 
without a certificate — he shan't sport, unless he 
has a license ! 

Em. I need no surety but Augustus's love — 
Snodgrass and truth are one I 



SAM WELLER. 131 

Isa. Winkle must quit his club — 111 have no 
clubs — selfish, unsociable things ! — 1 only wish 
all the women had my spirit ; wed soon put 
down all the clubs, or else we'd set up a Ladies' 
club, of our own. 

Em. Yes, sister, and admit all the gentlemen 
into it, the very first thing. — No ! no! — that 
would never do ! 

Isa. Why we might leave the door open, a 
leetle bit, to be sure — only just a-jar, at all 
events, we shouldn't lock it. But no clubs, for 
me, I say ! 

Em. Bless me, how imperative you've grown. 

Isa. Yes, yes — we don't mean to take things 
as we used to do — Petticoat government, is the 
order of the day, so Petticoat government for 
ever ! 

Em. Well, well, you may turn white-ser- 
jeaut, if you please ; I would but reign within 
a loving heart — my views are not so lofty! 

War. Dear me, I wish I could gain some in- 
telligence — I'm all anxiety — my poor friend, 
Pickwick ! 

Em. Hope all, sir! Snodgrass upholds him 
— his noble eloquence, is certain to convince the 
judge of Mr. Pickwick's innocence — he will at 
once get his acquittal. 

War. Would it may prove so— but I've my 
doubts, my poor enthusiastic simple Emily ! 

Em. Weil, you will see, sir ! Oh, Augustus! 
soon may we meet once more, within that mystic 
circle, love's own Bridal ring, never to part 
again ! 



132 SAM WELL Kit. 

Song, Emily. 

Air— ■« The Bridal Ring." 

The wishes and hopes of my earlier years, 7 

Once seaPd, Love, shall guard for ever ; 
While of other times, the doubts and fears, 

Dispell'd, shall revisit me never ! 
Sacred and sweet, the nuptial kiss, 

From the heart to the lips will spring 5 
When he'll place, on my ringer, the pledge of bliss — \ 

Rove's Bridal Ring — Love's Bridal Ring ! 

Isa. Hey ! here comes some one, father! — : 
Ah, Mr. Winkle ! Now we shall know. 

| fSnter Winkle, in great agitation. 

War. Welcome, welcome, Mr, Winkle. — • 
Well, the trial7— 

lsa. Yes, is it over — is it favourable? You 
will excuse, sir, our anxiety ! 

Win. My dear friends — Miss Isabella — I— 
that is— Mr. Pickwick— that is— the judge — that 
is — ask Snodgrass ! Oh ! (Covers his face with 
his hands in an agony of grief, and rushes off.) 

Isa. But, Mr. Winkle ! Sir ! Eh ! bless me, 
very odd ! 

War. The man's gone off, as if he was shot. 

Mm Mo matter— here is Snodgrass! — he'll 
soon tell us — dear me, how wild he iopks ! 

E?iter Snodgrass, wildly. 

Now, dear Augustus! 

War. Aye, aye — Snodgrass, tell us, the ver- 
dict— ^~is it over !— He's nonsuited.— Aye ! Aye ! 
Aye ! 

Snod. AdorableEmiiy! I — I — (Makes several 
ineffectual attempts to speak, then rushes out, 
covering his face with his handkerchief.) 



SAM WELLER, 133 

War. Confound it — Snodgrass — Snodgrass. 
Suod — grass (Calling?) Why, he is worse tliaq 
t'other — he's struck dumb — the other wouldn't 
tell us — and he seems as if he couldn't. 

Em. Exquisite sensibility, worthy his poet's 
soul— 'tis lost— -the trial's lost. 

War. 'Gad, I begin to think so — but stay, we 
must not judge too hastily — here's Mr. Weller — 
we shall get a rational answer from him, at all 
events. 

Enter Sam, mrowfully* 

Now, Mr. Weller-^now, your news ! 

Isa. and Em. Ah ! do, dear Mr. Weller ! — 
Your master — he is triumphant, surely ? 

Sam. Wery triumphant indeed — that is, the 
rewerse vay ; but I'll tell you about it — and tq 
pheer up my spirits, I'll give it you in a bit of a 
song. 

Song, Sam. 

' Air— " Marlbrook." 

There can be no sort of denial, 
That an anxious thing is a trial, 
Vhen you have got to rely all 

On L A W, Law; 
No matter vhat it's for— 
Debt, contract, or faux-pas*; 
I don't vish the law to disparage. 
But I'll tell of a shocking miscarriage, 
'Bout a breach of promise of marriage, 

In vhich justice show'd a flaw-— ; 
I'll show the chance of law, 
Vhich has sich a wery long claw ; 

Its quirks and its vexation, 

Expence and ruination — 

Its tricks and its ewasion — 

Glorious uncertain Law. 

( Spoken) — Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz addressed the jury for the plaintiff. 
He pump'd out to 'em, how, that his client, Mrs. Bardell vas a vidder 
as let lodgins, and how Mr. Pickvick vas a gen'lman a§ took 'era j 



134 SAM WELLER. 

and then he produced two scraps of paper, about some chops and some 
sarce, and a slow coach and a vanning pan, vich he said every body- 
knew, vas clearly a promise of marriage — and how that Mrs. Bardell 
had taken Mr. Pickvick in, and vanted to do it agin — and how she 
had contracted to lodge and do for him, and he trusted an enlight- 
ened jury vould help her to accomplish her vishes, and about twelve 
more sacks of chaff, all to the same purpose ; then he call'd a whole 
lot o' vitnesses, and vhat he said they all swvore to ; arter vhich, the 
judge popp'd out at a back door to get some mutton chops and 
sherry., and so ended the first part of the chapter ; — 

For quirks and for wexation, 
Expence and ruination — 
For tricks, and for ewasion — 

There's nothing like the Law. 

Vith many a fine oration, 
And cross examination, 
They prove to demonstration, 

Vhat they're contending for. 
Each other they clapper claw, 
Till their vigs are ready to thaw ; 
Like Richard the Third, at Drury, 
The council all sound and fury, 
Address'd the judge and jury, 

And their attention draw : 
You'd think them really at var, 
But bless you 'tis all jaw ; 

For quirks, and for wexation, 

Expence and ruination — 

For tricks, and for ewasion, 

There's nothing like the Law. 

(Spoken)— Mx. Serjeant Snubbins rose to address the Court for 
the defence: — "My Lud and Gentlemen of the jury," said he, 
"this may be more truly called a cause for costs, than a cause for 
damages ; it is vhat is technically call'd an attorney's cause — a 
cause for vhich there is no cause at all. Mutton chops and matri- 
monial chops have bin most ingeniously mixed up together, to 
mislead you ; my learned friend has not only served them up to you 
vith Tomata sauce, but he has given you plenty of his own sauce, in 
addition. He has talked [to yon, gentlemen, of a varming pan— he 
must have had his face sufficiently rubbed vith it, to have acquired 
brass enough to come into this Court, vith a cause so utterly 
groundless and contemptible. I am much mistaken, if my learned 
friend will not discover before he has done, that there are some hot 
coals, in this varming pan of his, that he has been unvise to stir up, 
as he is wery likely to burn his fingers in so doing ; the notes 
merely referred to lunches, not to love, and as to the slow coach, it 
vill be found to be von, in vhich the only fare will be Mrs. Bardell 
herself, and vhicrf vill require my learned friend and his employers* 



SAM WELLER. 135 

Dodson and Fogg, to vork like horses, I vrll not say asses to drag, 
vith any satisfaction, through the up-hill undertaking in vhich they 
have engaged. Mr. Justice Stareleigh summed up, and said, that if 
the plaintiff vas right, it vas quite clear the defendant must be 
wrong ; and if the defendant vas wrong, it vas equally evident 
the plaintive must be right ; they vould consult all their sagacity, 
and decide accordingly. The jury returned a verdict for the plain- 
tiff— damages, seven hundred and fifty pounds. 

For quirks, and for wexation, 
Expence and ruination — 
For tricks, and for ewasion — 

There's nothing like the Law.* 

War. What ! seven hundred and fifty pounds 
damages ! Well it may be law — but damn me 
if it's justice. 

Sam* So the eels said, sir ! vhen the Lord 
Chancellor's cook, vas a skinning 'em for his 
Lordship's dinner ! but here's the gowernor. 

Enter Mr. Pickwick. 

Pick. Ah my dear friends — well you know 
the result — but not a halfpenny, either of damages 
or cost, do Dodson and Fogg, get, if I stay in a 
Debtors Prison all my life for it! 

War. I scarce can blame you ; ■ but may not a 
new trial. — 

Pick. No ! no ! I've had enough of law, my 
friend. 

War. Well, but they may compromise. — 

Pick. I cannot hope it ! 

War. If you want money, — 

Pick. Nay, my means are ample — my mind 
is made up. I will not yield to such injustice— 
where are you staying ? 



* This Song, with the whole of the pleadings, and the evidence at length, 
may be had complete, in the Collected Edition of the Author's Comic 
Songs! now publishing, in Numbers, by Duncombe and Co., Book 'and 
Music Sellers, Middle-row, Holborn. 



136 SAM WELL ER. 

, War. At Gould's Hotel. 

Pick. I'll meet you there — perhaps this even- 
ing ; I'm somewhat ruffled now. 

War. We shall expect you — we'll not disturb 
you now. — Good bye, old friend — keep up your 
spirits — rely on this, should aught occur — you 
understand — it may— to prevent your promised 
visit to my girls and me — come what will come, 
you will find, we'll visit you. Come Bella, 
Emily — good bye — good bye — God bless you. 

Pick. Thankye^-Thankye — Bless you. 
(Wardle, Isabella, and Emily, grasp Mr. 
Pickwick's hand with expressions of the 
deepest commisserqtion and sympathy, and 
silently epit— Mr. Pickwick is much moved* 
Pick. I must not yeild to this ; I wish the 
worse were come. 

Sam. {looking off ) I don't know vhether 
this is the vorst l-^but here seems something 
quite bad enough coming, as the man's leg sakl 
to the mortification ! 

Enter Namby and Smouch, Two Bailiffs — 
Namby ivalks up to Mr. Pickwick and taps 
him on shoulder. 

Pick. Do you want me, sir ! 

Nam. Not at all, sir! ve don't vant you, 'cos 
Vy, ve've got you ! I've a little bit of a execution 
agin you ; " Bardell and Pickvick" — you may look 
at the Varrant ; likes to make every thing 
agreeable ! 

Sam. {knocking Namby' s hat off) Vy don't 
you take off your hat — vhen you speaks to a 
gen'lman. 

Nam. That's an assault— I call you to bear 
vitness. {to Pickwick,} 



S A M W E LL KR. 137 

Sam. Don't bear no vitness at all, sir ! but 
only give me leave — and, in five minutes, I'll so 
polish off both these ere two Laughing Hyenas, 
that even their own mothers shan't know 'em 
agin. 

Pick. Sam, I desire you — I command you 
— not to molest them — they do but do their 
duty — take up that hat! 

Sam. Beg your pardon, sir! but I'll be damn'd 
if I do— and if he wenturs to put it on agin, 
'till you've done speaking— I'll knock him into 
thj middle of next veek. 

Nam. There's my card, sir! 4i Namby, Bell 
Alley" — I suppose you'll go to my house — 
every accomodation, and on the most reasonable 
terms. 

Sam. Board, a shilling a mouthful, and lodg- 
ing, five shilling a day, per square yard. 

Pick. No, sir! I will at once unto my des- 
tination—the Prison — I've no desire to tarry 
in my road— especially where there's such sorry 
accommodation. 

Nam. Hum ! He's not half a good un — not 
a gemman, by no means. — (aside.} — Oh ! if 
you're goin to prison, ve can't vaste no time 
on you — ve've got to attend to a gemman, so 
come along J 

Sam. Paws off, old carcase-monger— I'll 
vait on my master, if it's agreeable to you— you 
can follow ! — 

Pick. Stay, Sam— listen to what I am going 
to say ! 

Sam. Certainly, sir! fire avay ! — 

Pick. A prison is not the place to take a 
young man to ! — 

T 



138 SAM WELLER. 

Sam. Nor a old von, neither, sir! — 

Pick. You are quite right, Sam ! But old 
men may go there through their own heedless- 
ness and unsuspicion — while young men may be 
brought there by the selfishness of those they 
serve — it is better for young men, in every 
point of view, that they should never go — do 
you understand me? — 

Sam. (doggedly.} Vy, no, sir ! I don't think 
I do! 

Pick. Try, Sam !— 

Sam. Veil, sir! \rayt\\er think I do see your 
drift now, and if I do, it's my 'pinion, you're a 
comin it a great deal too strong — as the mail 
coach said to the snow storm, vhen it overtook 
him. 

Pick. I see you comprehend me — you, for a 
time, must leave me, Sam !■ — 

Sam. (sarcastically.} Oh! for a time, Eh! sir! 

Pick. Yes, while I remain — your wages I 
shall continue to pay you. Any one of my 
friends will be happy to take you, were it only 
out of respect to me — and if I ever do leave 
prison, Sam, If I do — I pledge you my word, 
you shall return, Sam to my service, instantly. 

Sam. Now I tells you vhat it is, sir! this ere 
sort o' thing von t do at all , so don't let's hear 
no more about it ! — 

Pick. I am serious and resolved, Sam ! 

Sam. You are, sir ? 

Pick. Yes— so good bye, my good fellow ! — 
Now, gentlemen, 1 am at your service ! 

Nam. Oh ! ve'll trundle you along, in no time. 
[Exeunt Mr. Pickwick, with Namby and 
Smouch, leaving Sam, apparently paralized. 



SAM WELLER, 139 

Enter Old Weller. 

Old. TV. Oh ! Samivel— Samivel !— I told 
you vhat vould come, my boy, if your gower- 
nor didn't prove a alleybi ! 

Sam. {recovering himself.} And so he's re- 
solved, Eh ! — wery good— then so am I. You've 
jist come in time, so don't be troubling your 
nob any more about alleybi's — but jist you listen 
to me^ till I've done— the gowernors gone to 
prison — and vhat's more, vont let me go vith 
him. 

Old TV. Vhat! stop there by his-self, poor 
creetur — that can't be done ! — 

Sam. In course, it can't — I knows that. 

Old W % Vy they'll eat him up alive — do him 
as brown as a roasted pigeon — it oughtn't to be. 

Sam. And vhat's more, it shan't — certainly 
not! — but how toprewent it — don't you see any 
vay of taking care on him ? 

Old TV. No, I don't — no vay — unless it's 
gettin him out in a turn-up bedstead, unbeknown 
to the Turnkeys ; or dressin him up like a old 
ooman, vith a green weil. 

Sam. Oh! you don't— don't you? — Veil, 
then, I'll tell you vhat it is — I'll jist trouble you 
for the loan of five-and-twventy pounds, 

Old W. Vhat good vill that do? 

Sam. Never mind — p'raps you may ax for it 
five minutes artervards— ^and p'raps I may say, 
I von't pay, and cut up rough— you von't think 
of arrestin your own son, for the money, and 
sendin him to the Fleet— you unnat'ral waga- 
bond 1 

Old TV. I sees it all — capital — capital— ha ! 
ha! ha! (laughs immoderately .) 



140 SAM WELLER. 

Sam. Vhat a old image, it is — vhat are you 
standin there, for — conwertin your face into a 
street-door knocker, vhen there's so much to be 
done — vhere's the money ? 

Old W. In the boot, here — hold my hat — 
now for it — {takes out large dirty pocket-book, 
and gives Sam notes.} — and now then, I knows 
a gen'lman limb o' the law, that'll do the rest of 
the business for us, in no time — von as has brains 
like a frog — all over his body — and reaching to 
the wery tips o' his fingers — so come along, 
Sammy — come along, and like a 'fectionate fa- 
ther — I'll lock you up in no time. 

Sam. Vot a cruel- hearted varment he is! — 
Von't you take my bill, at sixpence a month — 
ha ! ha ! ha! Veil, if you von't, you must have 
my body, as the dragon-fly said, veu he flew 
avay, and left his hinder half behind him. 

[Exeunt Sam and Old Weller. 



SCEN E V. 

Interior of the Fleet—Prisoners discovered. 
Chorus, Prisoners. 

Air — " Oh ! poor Luddy, Heiglio ! " 

1 wish we were walking down the Strand, 

Luddites, Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe I 

The Traps shouldn't nab us, when out of land, 
Luddites ! Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe ! 

Terms and returns, they pass away, 

Luddites ! Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe I 
No matter, we all shall be free one day, 

Luddites ! Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe ! 



i 



SAM W E L L E R. I4l 

Turn, (without.) This way, 'Squire ! 

1st Pri. Ha ! another bird cag'd ! — worthy 
subjects of King Lud ! to the gate ! the race is 
not always to the Fleet, but we'll have a run for 
it this time, at all events ! [Exit Prisoners. 

Enter Turnkey with Pickwick. 

Turn. Here you are, sir, and wery comfort- 
able you'll find yourself in no time — those ere 
genTman, residents here, vill soon find out 
you're a new von — and you'll have lots of ac- 
quaintances to prevent your feeling lonely — so 
good bye for the present, and make yourself 
at home. 

Pick. Thankye, friend. {Exit Turnkey. 
So here I am, the inmate -of a prison — this is 
the school to learn the world in ; severe, but salu- 
tary lessons. Well, I may now eonsider my- 
self regularly settled here — I have had my por- 
trait taken ; the Turnkeys have been staring at 
me for the last hour, to make sure they shall 
know me — and to-morrow I am to have a chum- 
mage ticket — a lodging provided gratis — with 
more advantages than I am aware of, or any body 
else — strange inconsistency — as I came in, a 
Dutch clock ticked upon the wall — a bird sang 
in a cage — wheels within wheels— a prison in a 
prison. (Muses.) 

Enter Jingle and Job Trotter, {not perceiving 
Pickwick,) the latter with a little hit of scrag 
of mutton in his hand. 

Jin. Eh! scrag of mutton — half a pound — 
all our allowance — sorry fare — quite — quick-™ 
quick — hungry— very ! — very ! 



142 SAM WEL L ER, 

Job I could cry without trying now, but that 
I've got no gingham — we have made a miss of it 
— all on the poor side of things now— aye, e'en 
the poorest of the poor. The Fleet, poor side ! 

Pick, {arousing) Well, it's no use musing— 
I may as well perambulate this world of mine — 
make the small circuit of the town, that I must 
henceforth live in— I've no other now. 

Job. {seeing him) Eh ! what, but no, sure 
it can't be ! what, Mr. Pickwick ! 

Jin. Ah ! Mr. Pickwick ! A queer place this* 
sir, to meet in — parted so long, sir— aint it"? 
very — very! (affecting gaity.} 

Pick. Jingle, retributive powers — villain as 
he is, I cannot see his present misery, without 
compassion— can I speak a word with you ? 

Jin. Certainly, always at home — can't wan- 
der far — no danger of overwalking yourself here 
— Spike Park — grounds pretty, romantic, but 
not extensive — open for public inspection — 
family always in town — housekeeper desper* 
ately careful— very! but what has brought you 
here? 

Pick. I have lost a trial, and have come here 
for the damages. 

Jin. Martha Bardelll— 

Pick. The same — with costs, they will make 
near a thousand pounds. 

Jin. Ah ! what — oh villain — villain — but 
mum — no matter — cannot help it now. ( aside. ) 

Pick. You've forgot your coat !— 

Jin. Eh ! spout — dear relation — uncle Tom ! 
couldn't help it— must eat you know — -wants of 
nature — and all that. 

Pick. What do you mean 1 



SAM WBLLER, 143 

Jin. Gone, my dear sir ! last coat — can't help 
it — lived on a pair of boots— whole fortnight! — ill 
— hungry — deserved it all — but suffered much — 
very ! (Covers his eyes with his hands and 
weeps.) 

Pic. Come, come, we'll see what can be done 
when I know all about the matter. Here, Job, 
•—-where is that fellow Job ? 

Job. {coming forward). Here, sir ! 

Pick. Come here, sir ! (sternly) Take that ! 
(gives money) Go— get you wherewithal to com- 
fort you — this for the present — hereafter I may 
assist you with more lasting service ! 

Jin. God bless you — this I've not deserved ! 
Let me seek means some way to recompence 
my villainy, and prove my gratitude — -I'm not 
all vice! Come, Job-— quick— quick— food- 
food ! [Exit with Job. 

Pick. Poor human nature, guilt is its own 
avenger! We should judge gently, and deal 
mercifully! What can that dingy fly be creep- 
ing up that wall for, when he might rove in 
freedom where he lists,— the insect is decidedly 
insane. 

Enter Sam. 
Ah, Sam ! my good fellow, I am glad to see you, 
I thank you for this visit— let me explain to you 
my meaning more at large. 

Sam. Von't presently do 9 sir! 

Pick. Certainly— but why not now ? Speak 
out, Sam ! 

Sam. 'Clause I've got a little business as I 
vants to do, sir! I think I'd better see arte? 
it at once — the fact is — (hesitates),, 

Pick. Speak out! 



144 S A M W E J, L E R . 

Sam. Veil, the fact is — pYaps I'd better see 
arter my bed, afore I do anything; else ! 

Pick, {with astonishment}. Your bed ! 

Sam. Yes, my bed — I'm a prisoner — I vas 
arrested this ere wery arternoon, for debt. 

Pick. You arrested for debt"? 

Sam. Yes, for debt— and the man as put me 
in, vill never let me out till you go out yourself ! 

Pick. Bless my heart and soul— what do you 
mean ? 

Sam. Vhat I say ! If its forty years to come, 
I shall be a prisoner, and I'm wery glad on it ? 
and if it had bin in Newgate, it vould ha' 
bin jist the same ! Now the murder's out — 
and damme there's an end on it! 

Pick, Faithful, noble fellow! If any thing 
could tempt one to pay the sum, for which I 
have come here, it would be gratitude — that 
through its means, I have experienced that, 
which I never could have done, but in a prison's 
walls — devotion without interest — faith under 
every difficulty ! — and what true worth may still 
be found, enshrined, sometimes, within an humble 
heart! I am not proof to such attachment! — 
We'll never part again !— good fellow ! your 
fortune henceforth must be mine ! 

Sam. No, none of that, sir! I arn't us'd to 
hear sich voids as these — -they somehow comes 
wery quveer to me — it r s no sich great things to 
brag on — to vish to keep vith a good master — 
and as to its bein here or there — the heart, sir! 
the heart ! is the thing, vhat I looks at ! — 

Pick. Well, well, Sam ! we'll say no more of 
this just now — I must go and look after our ac- 
commodations, for the night — I've got a direc- 



SAM \V£i, LEA. 145 

lion to a Chancery prisoner, who has been here 
these five-and-twenty years. I am told he can 
provide for me— wait for me here — I will soon 
return. {Exit Pickwick. 

Sam. So, Vve got a footin in here, at last — 
I've had some trouble in doing it — but it is done 
— -this is a q « veer start, look-in people up, that 
aint so veil off as their neighbours — them as 
has alvays bin sottin in public houses, don't 
mind it — but them as has alvays bin bustlin 
about, and trying to get their living, it goes hard 
vith — in this respect, the Law is unequval ; and 
the sooner it's done avay vith 9 the better — I 
never heard but of von man as liked being 
shut up, in my life ; and he vas a little quveer 
feller, as they us'd to let go outside to smoke his 
pipe, every e\enin; but bein threatened to be 
lock'd out altogether, for having staid rather 
Jate, two or three times — blow me if he'd ever 
go out agin, for fear they shou'd keep their 
vords, in good earnest. 

Enter Jingle, 

Jin. Eh 1 Mr. Weller — you here! Eh! — snug 
place, this — very ! — aint it — all one's friends — 
see how it is— Marine — Fleet — voyage — out- 
ward bound— three months— the Straits of Por- 
tugal — clear bill — reach harbour— pleasant — 
aint it — very ! — 

Sam. Vy, if this ere aint that mortal rattle- 
snake, Jingle ! — Veil, I'm damn'd [—(stands a 
moment or two, stupified! then recovers himself. ^ 
now I should wery much like jist to beat him 
into a anatomy, only sickness and starvation 
seem to have done it afore me. 

u 



i 



146 SAM WELLER. 

Jin. Know what you are pondering on— can't 
do it— heart won't let you — true Englishman — ? 
won't strike when down — faithful fellow ! — mas- 
ter a christian — X^tamn'd rascal— feel it— pinch'd 
within, here— (placing his hand on his bosorri) 
—very ! — 

Sam. Vy, yes. you seem to have bin raythev 
close pinch'd in your pantry, lately- — as the val- 
nut said to the nut-crackers— havn't put your 
head in the manger so reg'larly as you us'd to 
do— but vhat are you driwin at ? young cork- 
screw ? 

Jin. This — don't laugh— Pickwick, fine heart 
—very!— not always callous — feel gratitude — 
savd me from starving — gave me money — should 
have given — what 1 — blows— cuffs— deceiv'd— 
wrong'd— laugh'd at — no matter— didn't ! — He 
is in prison — Dodson and Fogg — damn'd scoun- 
drels — Mother Bardell — old hag !— my wife !— 

Sam. Your vife ! — wheugh — (whistles) — but 
aint you gammoning, Mister— this can't be real 
— it is too good ! — 

Jin. Pos — honor!— No, not honor— havn't 
got it — here's certificate — much better — thought 
she had money— found mistake, too late — left 
her day after marriage— plan to fleece Pickwick 
— threaten'd to blab — Dodson and Fogg gave 
money — were to give more — knew of it all — 
plot between the three— thought I was dead— 
deceiv'd though — very— -very ! — liv'd to repent 
—make reparation— and hope — live honest. 

Sam. Veil, vonders vill never cease — as the 
old lady said ? vhen she'd twvins — but how's this 
pre to sarve the gowernor— how's he to get out % 

Jin, Indict the parties — Conspiracy ! — Old 



§ A M W ELLER. 141 

Bailey — (rue bill — grand jury — bail, eight hun- 
dred pounds — Judges warrant — forty-eight 
hours' notice — search house — Police — Newgate 
— Dodson and Fogg — get in — let Pickwick out 
—and glad to get out ! — very ! 

Sam. Veil, this is all wery fine— but how ttf 
do it ? 

Jin. Leave that to me — know Jew Lawyer 
— Noisy Nosey !— lives in the rules — fine hand at 
an indictment— best in the world— take the job 
too, on spec — -talk to yourself — make conspiracy 
of it — prove it— give him ten pounds— -do it in 
ten minutes — first rate rogue — bold! — keen- 
knowing — very ! — 

Sam. Ten pounds ! I'd give him ten hundred, 
if I had it — if he'd only get the gowernor out o' 
this ere Pennytentiary ! 

Jin. Sav no more— -come alone 1 — down in the 
Fair — this way — all right — load off heart — 
better ! — calmer — gayer — very ! 

Sam. Bring this to bear, and spifflicate me if 
that ere Job Trotter turns parson, if I von't be- 
come von o' the congregation. Now, then, fol- 
low my leader, Mr. Jingle! for I don't mean to 
lose sight o' you, not till this ere is done — not 
by no means. [Exeunt Sam and Jingle. 

Enter Turnkey, with Snodgrass, Tupman, 
and Winkle. 

-Turn. This way, gentlemen — you'll find Mr. 
Pickwick in his hotel, here. [Shows them 

in and Exits. 

Snod. Pickwick in exile ! — Napoleon, at St. 
Helena! — to nought else can I liken our illustrious 
leader — great man — much persecuted sage! 



148 



SAM WE L L E K „ 



Win. I see him coming — he has a mackaref 
hanging from his finger — he gives it to an old 
woman ! — - 

Tup. He is here — my dear, dear friend ! 

Enter Pickwick, 

Pick. Welcome, my boys ! rejoiced to see you ! 

SnoL What we could do, we did for you ! 

Pick. Yes — yes— you certainly did for me — 
preserve me from my friends, I say! No matter 
— this is a sorry place to come to — but we'll be 
merry yet — I've taken a very beautiful room, five 
feet by four, at a pound a week, and hir'd a most 
capital pair of bellows, and other furniture, at 
thirty shillings a; week— so life will wear away, 
as swiftly here, as it would do in any other place. 

Snod % Sublime philosophy ! 

Tup. But have you then no hope t 

Pick. None — none ! 

Enter Sam, Jingle, and Job Trotter. 

Sam. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Pack up 
your thingSy sir ! 

Pick. Sam-— Sam — compose yourself — I have 
provided beds, a pair of bellows, and — ■ 

Sam, Beds ! — bellows ! — burn the beds — and 
blow the bellows. — Hurrah! — Hurrah! 

Pick. Sam, you are mad * — restrain this ex- 
citation — my friends, here, wish to walk with me 
awhile— get my stick. 

Sam. Stick — you must cut your stick ! — and 
prepare to take a wery long valk. Hurrah I — 
Hurrah ! — 

Pich. Why, 5am ! What has come to him ? 
how can I walk without my stick % 



5AM WELLER. 149 

Sam. Beg pardon — my heart's too full to 
speak ! — Mr. Jingle, here — is the wery best 
scoundrel as ever vas — and the long* and short 
of it is — you're a free man agin — Mother Bar- 
dell is married! — Dodson and Fogg's in New- 
gate! — all a conspiracy — Jingle, here, proved it — 
Mother Bardell's husband ! — here's your dis- 
charge ! (gives paper.} 

Pick. Amazement ! 

Sam. And vhat's more — three hundred 
pounds, to compromise the felony — and all this 
clever scoundrel, Jingle's, doins! — 

Jin. Friend Pickwick — can't say much — feel- 
ings won't let me — fact simply this — account — 
your debtor — ow'd you much— yes, much ! — this 
per contra — let us strike balance — if in my 
favor ! — give your note of hand ! — {takes hand.) 

Pick. This repays all — still all is not repaid 
— take this three hundred pounds — 'tis fairly 
yours— it will release you — live honest, and live 
happy ! 

Jin. Study new character— play new part — 
Eh ! — give up the villains — bad line of business 
— unprofitable — very! — I will — I will — bless 
you, old fellow ! — eternal blessings ! — repent- 
ance — gratitude I— (repressing his feelings.) — 
Damme, I want the word' — Job — Job — good bye 
— God bless you all I \Eocit Jingle, 

Trot, (advancing to Pickwick^ and appear- 
ing deeply affected.) Everlasting gratitude ! 
heartfelt tears ! — acknowledgments ! — oh ! oh ! 
(bursting into a roar.) 

Sam. Come, I say — none o' that ere, young cul- 
lender — this is too much of a good thing ! (forces 
Job Trotter off.) 



150 SAM WELLKR. 

Enter Wardle, Isabella, Emily, and Aunt 
Rachel, followed by Mary, the House- 
maid, and the Fat Boy. 

War. Where is he? Ah ! my boy ! {shaking 
hands with Pickwick.} What ! all our friends 
here'? — There, girls, each take your partner. 
(Isabella, Emily, and Aunt Rachel, severally 
join Winkle, Snodgrass, and Tupman. Sam, 
sidles round to Mary. Fat Boy leans against 
Wall, and falls asleep.) We've come to stay a 
long while with you. 

Pick. Very sorry, my dear friends ! but I'm 
just going out — don't look incredulous ! All is 
discovered — the action's given up, and you've 
just come in time to accompany me home ! 

War. And never could we do it in a more glo- 
rious moment, than the accession of Beauty, 
Virtue, and Grace, to reign o'er Britain, and 
bless every heart! We must not lose a moment 
— come — 

Sam. But how am / to get out % — oh, I must 
stay here, vith Mary, I 'spose — any von might 
find comfort vhere she is. 
Mary. La ! Mr. Weller. 

Enter Old Weller. 

Old TV. Now SamiveL 

Sam. Eh! the old un — this is jist the wery 
ticket. Oh, you unnat'ral, hard-hearted, old war- 
mint — vot I've got you— give me my discharge 
or I'll have you put under the pump. 
£ Old TV. Vhat's, the gowernor a goin out ? — 
Veil then, promise to be a more dutiful little 
boy, for the future, and mend your prodigy vays 



SAM WKLLEIt. 151 

— and you shall go out vith him. — Beg pardon, 
gen'l folks! 

Sam. Hurrah! Come Mary — now, sir! — and 
may every poor feller, vhat's in prison for debt, 
and can't pay, speedily follow our example — and 
that's the vorst vish of Sam Veller ! Come fa- 
ther ! come Mary ! 

Old TV. Vhat, the walentine — oh, Samivel — 
Samivel ! — But these ere cheeks ! — vy they're 
like a basket o' Love Apples — and then, she aint 
a vidder, that's von thing — so there mayn't be 
quvite so much wiciousness in her — so as the old 
coachman alvays loves a smack o' the vhip, and 
never refuses a fare — vy clap yourself along-side 
o' your father, girl ! — ya hip ! — 

War. I won't have another word, till we are 
outside these infernal walls — so this way— this 
way ! [Exeunt Wardle and Pickwick, 

Aunt Rachel and Tupman, Isabella and 
Winkle, Emily and Snodgrass, Sam, Mary, 
and Old Weller, bringing up the rear. Just as 
they go off, Fat Boy wakes himself with his 
own snoring, finds hes alone, looks vacantly 
about, sees the spikes, is frightened, and runs 
off. 



152 SAM WELLEfU 



SCENE THE LAST. 

London^ on the Accession of the Queen. 

Enter Populace, in Holiday Clothes. 
Chorus, Omnes. 

Air — " Victoria." Chorus — " Der Freischitz." 

Victoria ! Victoria ! Victoria ! 
To her be all honor and glory ! 
Her name shall for ever adorn Britain's story ! 
Victroia ! Victoria ! Victoria ! 

Enter Wardle, Pickwick, Aunt Rachel and 
Tupman, Isabella and Winkle, Emily and 
Snodgrass, Sam, Mary 5 and Old Weller 
followed by the Fat Boy 

Pick. This is, indeed, a proud day for Old 
England ! — and adds a zest e'en to the joy we 
feel. — Wardle, you've acted nobly ! My friends, 
you're each hless'd with the girls of your hearts ! 
and under so bright a sway, as that which now dawns 
o'er us — you've but in common with all around us, 
to live, love, and be happy ! Sam, you too, have 
your Mary — We owe you all — there's something 
to provide your wedding dinner, (gives book-book) 

Sam. A hundred pounds ! I shall only vish — 
as (he gen'lman did, vhen he von but a tenth part as 
much in the lottery, that we may have a wery long 
acquaintance. If I've done my duty, I'm satisfied 
—at all ewents, I've done my best — and though 
there may be a few leetle trifling errors — if my 
kind friends vill but generously overlook them — 
vy, all I can say is, that I'll endeavour to amend 
5 cm — arid vishing ewery true Englishman vill join 



SAM WELLER, 153 

vith me, heart and woice, in shouting " Go I 
save the Queen !" I shall take my leave, and 
vith their permission, appear agin another op- 
portunity ! 

Finale, Omnes. 

Air — " Auber's God Save the King ! Gustavus.'* 

Hail ! all hail ! oar much-lov'd Queen ! 
With shouts we'll waken plain and green ; 
Ne'er was one so cherish'd, seen, 

Long live the Queen ! 
Fenc'd round by patriot hearts, 

No danger can she dread ; 
Fell faction backward starts, 

And hides, abash 'd, its head ! 
All hail ! our lov'd Victoria ! 

Old England's pride and glory ! 
Her name shall shine for ever, 

Renown'd in Regal story ! 

All hail ! our lov'd Victoria ! 

All hail ! our youthful Queen ! 

Long live the Queen ! 

Long live the Queen ! 

With shouts we'll waken plain and green, 

Long live the Queen ! 
Blessings light upon Victoria ! 

Peace and joy be her's for ever ; 
Blessings light upon Victoria ! 
Peace and joy be her's for ever ! 
God Save the Queen ! 

( While this Chorus is singing. Procession 
of Heralds, Beef -eaters, Guards, fyc, are seen 
passing through Temple Bar, to proclaim the 
Accesion of her Majesty, Queen Victoria, and 
the piece concludes, amidst general shouts of 
joy and congratulation, with Tableau ! 



THE END. 



NOTICE. 



To Managers of Theatres 9 Performers 9 
the Public 9 &c* 



John Cumberland, the publisher of Dolby's British Theatre, and 
Richardson's New Royal and Minor Drama, also of Cumberland's 
Minor Drama ? — having for some time past, been demanding and 
receiving, from various Managers of Country Theatres and 
others, through John Miller, his agent, considerable sums of 
money, for the performance of many of my Pieces, asserting 
that he is the legal Proprietor of the Copyright, though the 
Act for the protection of Dramatic Property, expressly provides, 
that the Author, or his Assignee, only, shall be taken, and deemed to be 
the Proprietor — this is to inform all Persons concerned, that neither 
the said John Cumberland, nor the said John Miller, have the 
slightest right or authority to receive one halfpenny for the per^ 
formance of any of my pieces ; I not having assigned them to 
the said John Cumberland, or any Person whatsoever.— The 
right of Printing these Pieces— conjointly with myself— (I having 
also a right to print), was sold to Thomas Richardson — before 
the passing of the Act, by whom it was mortgaged to a 
third Party; from him, since the passing of the Act, it was 
purchased by Cumberland, for a mere song, for the express purpose 
cf appropriating to himself, in wrong of the poor author, the very 
considerable sums to be derived from the performance.- Mr. 
Richardson will prove, that no assignment of any of these Pieces 
ever took place, as required by the Statute, nor- was ever con- 
templated for one moment, 

It has been decided— over and over again— both in law and equity, 
that Copyright will not pass without an Assignment. This was first 
decided by Lord Eilenborough, in the Case of * Power versus Walker ' 
vhere. though the Plaintiff had enjoyed a Copyright, by virtue of 



11 



Printing and Publishing, for some years, yet not being able to pro- 
duce an Assignment could not prove any Property in it — this 
judgment was confirmed by Judge Abbot, in the case of 'Latour 
versus Bland,' under still stronger circumstances ; there the Plaintiff 
had a Receipt for the Copyright, of fifty guineas, given thirteen years 
before ; but it was decided that a Receipt was not an Assignment ! 
and consequently the Copyright was not secured. — Again, in Equity, 
in the case of * Sherwood, Neely, and Jones, against Pierce Egan,' 
both these judgments were confirmed by Lord Eldon. — Egan had 
written a Work called 'Boxiana,' — the Copyright of which he had 
sold to the Plaintiffs, who had his Receipt ; but availing himself of 
there being no legal Assignment of the work — he had thought proper 
to continue the Publication of it on his own account. An application 
was made to compel him to execute an assignment, and restrain him 
from continuing the work ; Lord Eldon, however^ positively refused 
to grant any injunction whatever, distinctly asserting, that neither in 
law or equity, could Copyright, in any case, pass without an assign^ 
ment. — It was in vain the present Vice-Chancellor, who made the 
application, dwelt upon the equity of the agreement — it was decided 
that if parties, chose to defraud the Revenue by not executing the 
necessary documents, they were not in a situation to claim the pro- 
tection of a Court of Equity. A long and distressing illness of 
nearly three years, which has terminated in the heavy calamity of 
Blindness, has prevented me from taking legal measures to procure 
a restitution of my little income. 

Cumberland gives out that the Judges have decided, in a case 
against Planche, that Copyright conveys all other rights ; — so it 
does, where there is an assignment ! — but not otherwise. Nor did 
they decide so, as he well knows. It will be observed, he does not 
claim as the Assignee of my pieces — but as "Proprietor!" — ■ 
Stuff! the Proprietor must be the Author, or his Assignee — and 
Cumberland is neither ; and never, while I have the means of ob- 
taining a shilling, will I forego any legal step in my power to 
procure ample restitution ! 

Managers and others will thus perceive tiiat any money paid to tha 
said John Cumberland, or his agent, John Miller, for the performance 



ill 

of any of these Pieces, will be paid in their own default, and that tbey 
will be liable to be proceeded against /ok the repayment of the same — I 
will wilHngly guarantee them against any of Cumberland's pretended 
claims — against whom and his agent— the^moment returning health 
and increased resources permit rjne^ a suit jin- equity will be insti- 
tuted for the restoration of ulltheyrh&vl: so ^wrongfully received. 

*■* ♦*-"- W *T. MONCRIEFF. 

... ~ , ■ x- . i - - 



Just Published /^y~ tfiV ^^ haftt of' John 

LLMBiRD,1l.4^.S'tr i and, ^Price* One Shilling, 

The WINTER-BOTTOMS; ok, my AUNT the DOWAGER ! 

A Farcetta, as performed with rapturous approbation, at the New 

Strand Theatre. 



AJso, : Prrce -Two Sellings .and Sixpence, 

A Comedy/ in Ffve ; ^cts^a§.- psrS ol^e^ a4*%^*Ife> T "market Theatre. 
With an v Explanatory Preface^ 4he- AuilKi'r ? s reasons for with- 

: : drawing k, after *itB complete sucoess,on -Us second night's repre- 
sentation.. , , . „ * ./ 



Also, -i^rice One Shilling, 

: ,« : <kow ^no^r4ssE up. a bill 



Also, Price 'One" 1 Shilling 

THE PAR SON IS N O $ *FX , 
A Petite Comedy, &c &c. 



T. Stagg, Printer, 35, Stanhope Street, Lincoln' %-inn Fields, 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 456 490 A 






